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    Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”

    Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”

    Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”

    Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”

    Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”

    Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*

    Me: “Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

    Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”

    Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

    | Willimantic, CT, USA | Top

    (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

    Me: *walks out of the cooler*

    Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

    Me: “I don’t mind it.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

    Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

    Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

    Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

    Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

    | Honolulu, HI, USA |

    (Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)

    Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”

    Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English please?”

    Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”

    Tourist: “Fine, we just flew here from America today.”

    (The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)

    Cashier: “That will be twenty five dollars and eighty five cents.”

    Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”

    Tourist: “Oh really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*

    Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”

    Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”

    Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo, have a great day!”

    Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”

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    I Like My Italians Color-Coded, Too

    | Connecticut, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Hi, yes. I’d like to get a bottle of wine for my neighbor.”

    Me: “Alright, what kind?”

    Lady: “Kind?”

    Me: “Yes, red or white?”

    Lady: “Oh, there are two kinds?”

    Me: “Well, there are more than two, but those are general groups.”

    Lady: “Oh, well, he’s Italian…I think…so we’ll go with Italian.”

    Me: “Alright, a red or a white Italian?”

    Lady: “Well, he’s kind of Tan, but I guess White.”

    Me: “Um…not your neighbor. The wine, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Oh…the Italian wines have groups too? I guess one of each…”

    (This was just the beginning, as I had to describe the fact that there are numerous Red and White wine varieties. You can imagine how that went.)

    Fecal Tender

    | Connecticut, USA |

    (A customer came in, grabbed a 40 ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

    Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer…but he had an issue.”

    Us: “What happened?”

    Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he sh*t in his pants…”

    (That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)

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