Appease The Portuguese

| Johannesburg, South Africa | Uncategorized

(Note: Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

Customer: “Obrigado!” (Speaks in Portuguese.)

Me: “Sorry sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

Customer: “WHAT! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

Me: “Yes, sir, but-”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you cant speak huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “So do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from or what?”

Me: “I’m Spanish.”

A Blasphemer In The Church Of Chocolate

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Merry Christmas!”

Customer: “That’s just garbage!”

Me: “Happy Hanukkah?”

Customer: “None of that s*** means anything!”

Me: *still trying to be cheerful* “All the chocolate is half-off
tomorrow!”

Customer: “I don’t like chocolate!” *glares*

Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

| Las Vegas, NV, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”

Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”

Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”

Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”

Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”

Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*

Me: “Get out of my store.”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”

Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

| Willimantic, CT, USA | Top

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

| Honolulu, HI, USA | Uncategorized

(Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)

Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”

Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English please?”

Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”

Tourist: “Fine, we just flew here from America today.”

(The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)

Cashier: “That will be twenty five dollars and eighty five cents.”

Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”

Tourist: “Oh really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*

Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”

Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”

Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo, have a great day!”

Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”

Related:
Brown-Skinned Savage, I Come From Distant Shores

Page 6/7First...34567