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    A Blasphemer In The Church Of Chocolate

    | Anchorage, AK, USA |

    Me: “Merry Christmas!”

    Customer: “That’s just garbage!”

    Me: “Happy Hanukkah?”

    Customer: “None of that s*** means anything!”

    Me: *still trying to be cheerful* “All the chocolate is half-off
    tomorrow!”

    Customer: “I don’t like chocolate!” *glares*

    Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    (I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)

    Me: “May I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”

    Customer: “But I’m 18! I’m allowed to buy beer!”

    Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”

    Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”

    Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”

    Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a F***ING dump! Do I look 12 to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*

    Me: “Get out of my store.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the F*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

    Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”

    Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

    | Willimantic, CT, USA | Top

    (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

    Me: *walks out of the cooler*

    Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

    Me: “I don’t mind it.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

    Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

    Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

    Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

    Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

    | Honolulu, HI, USA |

    (Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)

    Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”

    Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English please?”

    Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”

    Tourist: “Fine, we just flew here from America today.”

    (The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)

    Cashier: “That will be twenty five dollars and eighty five cents.”

    Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”

    Tourist: “Oh really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*

    Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”

    Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”

    Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo, have a great day!”

    Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”

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    Brown-Skinned Savage, I Come From Distant Shores

    I Like My Italians Color-Coded, Too

    | Connecticut, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Hi, yes. I’d like to get a bottle of wine for my neighbor.”

    Me: “Alright, what kind?”

    Lady: “Kind?”

    Me: “Yes, red or white?”

    Lady: “Oh, there are two kinds?”

    Me: “Well, there are more than two, but those are general groups.”

    Lady: “Oh, well, he’s Italian…I think…so we’ll go with Italian.”

    Me: “Alright, a red or a white Italian?”

    Lady: “Well, he’s kind of Tan, but I guess White.”

    Me: “Um…not your neighbor. The wine, ma’am?”

    Lady: “Oh…the Italian wines have groups too? I guess one of each…”

    (This was just the beginning, as I had to describe the fact that there are numerous Red and White wine varieties. You can imagine how that went.)

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