November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

A Man With A Van And A Very Bad Plan

| Factoria, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Hey you might want to keep an eye on that guy in the scotch section. He just shoved two bottles of [Very Expensive Brand] into his coat.”

(I look over just as the aforementioned customer makes for the door. True to fashion the door sensors go off and he begins to walk faster.)

Me: “Sir… Sir, I need you to come back. Sir!”

(Suddenly a van tears across the parking lot and the customer breaks into a sprint. Someone in the van throws the passenger door open, he leaps in, and the van peels out of the parking lot before I can exit the store. Fortunately for me the shoplifters have made a grievous error: the van they were in had the name of a local plumbing service written on the side, with the full phone number and contact details underneath it. Shaking my head, I go back in and dial the company number, getting an older-sounding gentleman who’s naturally rather upset to hear two employees of his just took part in a robbery and promises to be on the lookout for when the van gets back to his place of business. Several hours later the company van pulls up outside the store again, and out steps a middle-aged man, dragging by their arms the idiots who stole the booze from us.)

Man: “Hey, I’m the one you spoke to. I just caught these disgraces laughing and sharing with the other employees the scotch they lifted from you. I thought it only right that they come down here and pay for what was stolen with their final paycheck before I can their a**es!”

(He shoves the red-faced shoplifters towards my register.)

Man: “Anything you have to say, boys?”

Shoplifter: *whispering* “Sorry.”

(The man places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes threateningly.)

Man: “What was that? I don’t think he heard you.”

Shoplifter: *much louder as he hurriedly hands over the money he owes* “I’m sorry I stole from you, okay?”

Man: “Better.” *to me* “Is there anything you’d like to do in return? Call the police? Press charges?”

Me: “Actually I just have one question: why on earth did you think it was a good idea to use a company vehicle in a robbery?”

Shoplifter: “We didn’t think retail employees knew how to read.”

Red Faced With Failure

| GA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(It is National Wear Red Day. A customer comes in, all in red, and after shopping approached the cashier.)

Customer: “Why aren’t you wearing any red?”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”

Customer: “Red! Why aren’t you wearing red?! It’s National Wear Red Day for women’s heart disease!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I am wearing red. Our store’s color is red.”

Customer: “But you’re not wearing it for National Red Day! And your jewelry isn’t red!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry—”

Customer: “YOU FAIL!”

Cashier: “I… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “YOU FAIL!” *turns to customer behind her* “YOU FAIL, TOO!” *storms out without making purchase*

Customer #2: “Glad to know I fail.”

In The Case Of Ulysses Versus Jackson:

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

(My father is the owner and I am back from college helping him during summer break. I am a 25-year-old male. A woman gets some things and pays with a $50 dollar bill and the man behind her waits patiently. The man then comes up pays for his things with a $20. I hand him his change.)

Man: “Hey, I paid with a fifty! Where’s the rest of my change?”

Me: “No, you didn’t. The change is correct.”

Man: “You’re trying to rip me off! I paid with a f****** FIFTY!”

(Knowing what he’s trying to pull and knowing my dad hates dealing with people like this, I open the till.)

Me: “Nope, no fifty in here.”

Man: “Y… Yes, there is! You’re trying to f****** rip me off!”

Me: “I haven’t received a fifty all day. Now that I look closer I realize you paid with a ten dollar bill while your order was $15.90. I am going to need another 5.90 please.”

(I put my hand out as if I am expecting money. He is completely thrown off at what I have done and gets flustered.)

Man: “I… I want to see a manager NOW!”

Me: “I am the owner’s son. If you don’t pay off the rest of your order I’m going to call the cops.”

(I still have my hand out as if to take his money. The man steps back and looks around stammering to himself.)

Man: “I paid with a $20 and you gave me the correct change.” *bolts out the door*

Hold Fire On That Receipt

| Finland | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(It’s Friday afternoon and I’m in a liquor store with my dad. We both know the guy who’s working as cashier.)

Cashier: “Do you want the receipt?”

Dad: “Yeah, I’m going to heat the sauna today.”

(Our sauna is heated with wood and we use trash paper to light the fire.)

Cashier: “Okay, have a nice weekend.”

Me: “You, too.”

(We pack dad’s bottles, and the cashier serves another customer. We are leaving when he offers a receipt to her.)

Customer: “No, thanks. I have an electric sauna.”

Can’t Barrel Out Of There

| CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

(I work as a manager and beer department head at a local liquor store that sells kegs of beer.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I need to order a keg of Corona.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but Corona, unfortunately, doesn’t make kegs.”

Customer: “What’re you talking about? I ordered one last week!”

Me: *trying not to get agitated* “Sir, I’m sorry, but like I said, Corona doesn’t make kegs. It’s impossible for me to get you a keg of Corona.”

Customer: “This is bull-s***! The beer guy here got one for me last week!”

Me: “Actually, I run the beer department at this store, and I have for the last few months. I can give you a list of all the kegs we can get you.”

Customer: “QUIT BACK-TALKING ME! I want to see your manager, and I want to see him now!”

Me: “Okay, not a problem.”

(I turn around on the spot, making a 360 turn.)

Me: “Hello, I’m the manager. What can I help you with?”

Customer: *glares at me before walking out in a rage*

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