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    Just Telling It Like It Is

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bizarre

    (Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

    Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

    Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

    Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

    Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

    (I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

    Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

    Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

    Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

    Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

    Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

    (The customer begins walking out the door.)

    Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

    Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

    (He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

    Old Lady: “Who was that?”

    Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

    Driving On Booze Control

    | Princeton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged

    (I work at a liquor store, and we have one major rule. If you appear to be under 30 you MUST have your ID on you unless you are accompanied by a parent or guardian. If you do not have your ID on you no one in your group is allowed to purchase alcohol. Two guys come into our store together and start making a ruckus. The one guy looks about 23 or so, but the other can’t be 17. They’re yelling up and down the aisles to each other looking for something to purchase. I greet the two of them and start scanning their items. I ask for their IDs.)

    Customer #1: “Here you go.”

    Me: “Thanks.” *pointing at Customer #2* “I just need to see your ID as well.”

    Customer #2: “I don’t got mine.”

    Me: “Okay. Is it in the car or something? I need to see both of your IDs because you came in together.”

    Customer #2: “Why? I didn’t come in here with him. We met up outside and walked in together.”

    Me: “Let me get my manager. He’ll be able to sort this out for you guys.”

    (My manager comes over and I explain to him that the one has his ID, but the other guy doesn’t. My manager reiterates the store policy. As this is happening, Customer #2 hands a $5 bill ‘stealthily’ to his buddy.)

    Customer #1: “We’re friends from work! We ran into each other inside. Why am I getting denied service because I happened to run into him and happened to get in line with him at the same time.”

    Manager: “Well, if that’s the case why did he just hand you money and try to walk out towards the door?

    Customer #1: “I had asked to borrow some money! This is b******t!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s the law. For all we know, you’re about to purchase alcohol for a minor, and we could get fined for that.”

    Customer #2: “That’s racist! You’re refusing to sell to us because we’re [race]!”

    Manager: “No, sir, that’s not why. I just told you why I’m refusing service.”

    Customer #2: “Well, if that’s the case why didn’t you card that baby in the other dude’s line over there?”

    Manager: “Sir. Think about what you just said. Do you really think that baby is really going to drink anything in that cart?”

    Customer #2: “Whatever. I’m calling the cops. You’re going to be arrested for being racist. You racist son of a b****!”

    Manager: “Okay. I can wait. I’ll just tell them that your pal just tried to purchase alcohol for a minor.”

    (With that they walked out of the store, screaming and ranting, and wound up kicking over one of the basket returns by the exit, never to be seen since.)

    Drive (Thru) The Price Up

    | TX, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Money

    (For my drive-thru customers, I try to give them the price from memory. Also, some of our customers try to be funny by being outraged at our prices.)

    Me: “That’ll be [price].”

    Customer: “How much?!”

    (As I’m getting his items, I notice that one of them costs slightly more than I remembered.)

    Me: “It’s [correct, slightly higher price].”

    Customer: “D***, I should have kept my mouth shut!”

    Russian Into Things

    | AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests

    (One evening a very obviously young teenager (15 or 16) comes in and tries to buy a pornographic magazine. After I inform him I can’t sell to him without seeing an ID he sticks around and starts chatting me up. I am a very tall woman in my mid-twenties while he was very short and petite.)

    Kid: “You know, the main reason I wanted to buy a magazine is because I’ve been deprived of the company of women for most of my life. You see…” *he leans up against the counter, looks around the room and says in a stage whisper* “…I was trained from birth in a Russian compound to be a deadly assassin.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Go on…”

    Kid: “I’m the best there is at the trade. I became the youngest secret KGB agent.”

    Me: “The KGB actually hasn’t existed for several years now.”

    Kid: *nodding gravely* “That’s because I took them all out when I went rogue. Since then I’ve been freelancing. But now that I have more money than I know what to do with, I’ve been thinking about getting out of the game. You know, finding a beautiful woman and settling down in my French chateau. What do you say? Want me to take you away from all this?”

    Me: *having serious trouble keeping a straight face* “That’s very sweet. But aren’t I a little too old for you? Not to mention I’m nearly two feet taller.”

    Kid: “That’s okay. That’s the way we like ‘em in Russia!”

    Me: “Kid, you are one cocky little s***. If you weren’t underage I’d buy you a drink.”

    Kid: “Well, if you come with me we can go to a country where the legal drinking age is much lower. You know, in Russia I’ve already reached the age of consent. If you get my drift…”

    Me: “Thanks, but I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.”

    Kid: *sigh* “Oh well it, was worth a try. Do svidaniya!”

    Sharing His Alcohol Problem

    | AB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s about 1 pm when a clearly drunk and staggering man approaches me in the store. I am also a customer.)

    Customer: “Hiya, pretty lady. Wanna go for a drink with me?”

    Me: “Um… no, thank you. I’m very busy today and am happily married!”

    Customer: “Well… too bad for you!”

    (Moments later at the registers, I am in line with couple of customers behind me. The drunken customer stumbles up to them.)

    Customer: “Do ya mind if I butt in line ‘ere?”

    Other Customer: “Sorry, man. We were here first and the wait really isn’t that long.”

    Customer: *pointing at me* “I just wanna stand next to her!”

    (At this point I am having my things rung through at the till and exchange a worried glance with the cashier.)

    Cashier: *to the drunken customer* “You wait your place in line, sir! Just like everybody else!” *quietly, to me, handing me my purchases* “You go on and get out of here. I’m sending someone out to get his plate number ‘cause he drove here and is clearly pretty intoxicated. Have a nice day. We’ll handle the creep!”

    (I leave pretty quick and the drunk customer tries to follow me out, but is stopped by the manager. I didn’t hear what happened, but I am sure thankful the staff was keeping an eye out that afternoon!)

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