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    Can’t Barrel Out Of There

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I work as a manager and beer department head at a local liquor store that sells kegs of beer.)

    Customer: “Excuse me; I need to order a keg of Corona.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but Corona, unfortunately, doesn’t make kegs.”

    Customer: “What’re you talking about? I ordered one last week!”

    Me: *trying not to get agitated* “Sir, I’m sorry, but like I said, Corona doesn’t make kegs. It’s impossible for me to get you a keg of Corona.”

    Customer: “This is bull-s***! The beer guy here got one for me last week!”

    Me: “Actually, I run the beer department at this store, and I have for the last few months. I can give you a list of all the kegs we can get you.”

    Customer: “QUIT BACK-TALKING ME! I want to see your manager, and I want to see him now!”

    Me: “Okay, not a problem.”

    (I turn around on the spot, making a 360 turn.)

    Me: “Hello, I’m the manager. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: *glares at me before walking out in a rage*

    Needs To Learn About Togetherness

    | WI, USA | At The Checkout, Underaged

    (Two customers come up to my register together with a bottle of brandy; both look young so I move to card them both.)

    Me: “Can I see your IDs, please?”

    Customer #1: “Oh, she’s not buying anything.”

    Me: “It doesn’t matter. If you’re together, I need to see both of your IDs before I can sell this brandy to you.”

    Customer #1: “We’re not together.”

    Me: “Then how do you know she isn’t buying anything?”

    Customer #1: “Well, she’s not holding anything, so I just assumed… We’re not together!”

    Customer #2: “I’m just his ride!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t matter. I cannot sell to you since you are together.”

    (At this point they exchange a look that makes it very clear that they’re trying to pull one on me and that Customer #2 is, in fact, underage.)

    Customer #1: “But we’re not together!”

    Me: “She just said she’s the one who drove you here.”

    Customer #1: “This is complete garbage! I have never heard of this stupid f***ing rule! No one’s ever done this to me before. We’re not even together!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It’s state law that I can only sell if I have IDs from everyone in the group.”

    Customer #1: “But we’re not together!”

    Not So Nuts About The Innuendo

    | Medford, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (At our store, we have a rack of potato chips, peanuts, and other snacks that is a few steps away from the register. The customer puts a six-pack of beer on the counter, then steps away to grab something off the rack and comes back to the counter with some peanuts.)

    Customer: “You really should put your nuts on the counter.”

    Me: “I’m not sure how to respond to that.” *hoping he’d get how awkward it sounded, and laugh it off*

    Customer: “I might grab them more often, if you did.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yeah, they’re probably just fine right where they are.”

    (I’m pretty sure this guy was just clueless about what he said and not actually hitting on me!)

    Just Telling It Like It Is

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bizarre

    (Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

    Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

    Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

    Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

    Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

    (I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

    Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

    Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

    Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

    Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

    Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

    (The customer begins walking out the door.)

    Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

    Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

    (He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

    Old Lady: “Who was that?”

    Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

    Driving On Booze Control

    | Princeton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged

    (I work at a liquor store, and we have one major rule. If you appear to be under 30 you MUST have your ID on you unless you are accompanied by a parent or guardian. If you do not have your ID on you no one in your group is allowed to purchase alcohol. Two guys come into our store together and start making a ruckus. The one guy looks about 23 or so, but the other can’t be 17. They’re yelling up and down the aisles to each other looking for something to purchase. I greet the two of them and start scanning their items. I ask for their IDs.)

    Customer #1: “Here you go.”

    Me: “Thanks.” *pointing at Customer #2* “I just need to see your ID as well.”

    Customer #2: “I don’t got mine.”

    Me: “Okay. Is it in the car or something? I need to see both of your IDs because you came in together.”

    Customer #2: “Why? I didn’t come in here with him. We met up outside and walked in together.”

    Me: “Let me get my manager. He’ll be able to sort this out for you guys.”

    (My manager comes over and I explain to him that the one has his ID, but the other guy doesn’t. My manager reiterates the store policy. As this is happening, Customer #2 hands a $5 bill ‘stealthily’ to his buddy.)

    Customer #1: “We’re friends from work! We ran into each other inside. Why am I getting denied service because I happened to run into him and happened to get in line with him at the same time.”

    Manager: “Well, if that’s the case why did he just hand you money and try to walk out towards the door?

    Customer #1: “I had asked to borrow some money! This is b******t!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s the law. For all we know, you’re about to purchase alcohol for a minor, and we could get fined for that.”

    Customer #2: “That’s racist! You’re refusing to sell to us because we’re [race]!”

    Manager: “No, sir, that’s not why. I just told you why I’m refusing service.”

    Customer #2: “Well, if that’s the case why didn’t you card that baby in the other dude’s line over there?”

    Manager: “Sir. Think about what you just said. Do you really think that baby is really going to drink anything in that cart?”

    Customer #2: “Whatever. I’m calling the cops. You’re going to be arrested for being racist. You racist son of a b****!”

    Manager: “Okay. I can wait. I’ll just tell them that your pal just tried to purchase alcohol for a minor.”

    (With that they walked out of the store, screaming and ranting, and wound up kicking over one of the basket returns by the exit, never to be seen since.)

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