Customer: “I want books on gynecology.”

Me: “Okay. This way, please…”

(I start to take her to the health section.)

Customer: “Yeah, I really want to learn about my ancestors.”

Me: *quickly change course to the genealogy section*

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

(A customer is returning a large pile of overdue books – about 90 for the entire family. She’s waiting while I process them in order to pay the fine.)

Me: “Well, they’re not very overdue. It’s just that there’s a lot of them.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry they’re late.”

(I scan the last few books.)

Me: “Okay, over the three cards, there’s $50 in fines, but I’ll halve that to $25 as they’re not too late.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks so much. I just couldn’t get them in as we’ve all had scarlet fever.”

(I look at the pile of books, every one of which I have handled.)

Me: “Oh…”

(I’m a librarian. I am walking through the children’s section and see a boy of around 12 browsing through ghost stories. He
picks up a book, opens it, and immediately drops it back on the shelf.)

Boy: “Ooh! That book’s too scary!”

Me: “What book is it?”

Boy: “Ghosts of Prostitutes.”

Me: “What?!”

(I walk over and pick up the book. It is titled “Ghosts and Poltergeists”.)

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

(The computers in the computer lab are all in use. There is a sign up station to get the next available computer.)

Customer: “I signed up, but it didn’t work.”

Me: “I see your name. You will get the next available computer.”

Customer: “Which one?”

Me: “It depends which other customer leaves first.”

Customer: “So, it’s random?”

Me: “No, it’s not random. You are in the queue to get the next available computer.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you just say that? It’s random.”

Me: “No, sir, it’s not random. You will–”

Customer: “Queue isn’t a regular English word. Just say it’s random.”

Me: “Sir, computer number 14 is ready for you.”

Customer: *muttering* “It’s random.”

Patron: “Hi, can you help me find this book?” *hands me piece of paper with call number* “I went to look for it, but I couldn’t find it.”

Me: “Sure, let’s go take a look.”

(I take him to the stacks and start to walk down the correct row.)

Patron: “Yeah, this is where I was looking.”

(I pull down the book with that call number. This particular copy is brown.)

Me: “There you go!”

Patron: *disappointed* “Oh, I was looking for a black cover!”