October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Best To Try To Rise Above It

, | Portland, ME, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I am in the middle of a health scare involving my lungs, and my doctor has told me not to use the stairs for more than one flight. I need to be on the fourth floor, so I am waiting for the elevator when a patron storms up to me.)

Patron: “Excuse me! I don’t know if you read the sign, but it clearly says that this elevator is for handicapped people. Not people who are just too lazy to use the stairs.”

Me: “…I beg your pardon?”

Patron: “You need to leave the elevator for the people who really need it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I need the elevator.”

Patron: “That’s bulls***.”

Me: “Look, lady. One of my LUNGS is not functioning right now, and my doctor has told me that I’m not allowed to take the stairs.”

Patron: “Your doctor is too easy on you!”

Ejected From The Library

| New York, NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

(I’m an assistant librarian. We have a section of computers for our patrons to use, located directly next to the children’s section. One day while I’m re-shelving kid’s books, I hear what sounds like people having sex. I turn to look and see an old man sitting at one of the computers watching VERY explicit porn.)

Me: “Sir! Excuse me, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to turn that off.”

Old Man: “No! This is a free country!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but not only is that inappropriate content, we’re right next to the children’s section. You don’t want any of them to see that sort of thing. Do you?”

Old Man: “It’s perfectly natural! They should see it! I knew all about this sort of thing when I was their age!”

Me: “…sorry, what!?”

Old Man: “My mother was a w****! I lost my virginity when I was ten! There’s nothing wrong with kids knowing about sex!”

Me: “There are so many things wrong with that statement that I can’t even list them.”

(I ended up having to call the police to remove him because he was making a scene. He was banned from the library, but he still tries to sneak in every few months to watch porn on our computers.)

This Patron Has A Drinking Problem

| Houston, TX, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at the circulation desk at a small academic library.)

Patron: *very red-faced* “Um, can you do something?”

Me: “…about?”

Patron: “There’s a woman in the computer lab and she… um…”

(My coworker and I finally manage to get it out of the stammering, embarrassed man that a woman apparently has breastfed her infant and forgot to ‘tuck herself back in’ after the infant was finished eating.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy. You want this one?”

Me: “Got it.”

(I walk up to the woman and lean down quietly to her ear.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open-drink containers in the library.”

Christmas Is Their Cross To Bear

| IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Holidays, Religion, Theme Of The Month

(It is a few days before Christmas. I am finishing up with a patron. At this point, she has been nice and cheerful.)

Me: “Okay. We will give you a call when the book comes in. Thank you and have a good night!”

Patron: “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Me: “Um, no. I handed you back your card, didn’t I?”

Patron: “No. You didn’t address me correctly. Try again.”

Me: “…Have a good night, miss?”

Patron: “It is the time of Christ and you did not bless me with a Merry Christmas. What kind of Christian establishment hires such heathens that do not bless their customers with the correct Christian way?”

Me: “Well, honestly, ma’am, this isn’t a Christian establishment. It’s a public library. I apologize for not wishing you a Merry Christmas.”

Patron: “Every single place on this Earth is a Christian establishment and until you realize this you are headed straight to Hell. Next time I come in, I expect you to bless me and have a proper Christian attitude. I will take this up with your boss if your behavior continues to trend this way.”

(She stares me down for a few minutes and then leaves. I later find out she did complain to my director and insisted she follow the laws of God by only employing good Christian people!)

Just Got Bumped Despite The Bump

| Wichita, KS, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body

(I am 9-months pregnant and just opening the door to the restroom as a patron taps me on the shoulder.)

Patron: “Excuse me. Is this the ladies room?”

Me: “Sorry. This is a single use stall, but we have restroom facilities in the main lobby.”

Patron: “Great. That’s not too far for you to walk.”

(The patron steps around me into the bathroom and slams the door in my face.)

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