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    More Clueless Than Keyless, Part 2

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am working by myself at the lower level circulation desk of our library. A patron with two small children comes to check out a pile of books and hands me her key-ring with her library card on it. I scan it, hand it back, and check out her books.)

    Patron: “Where are my keys? [Son], did you take my keys?”

    Son: “No.”

    Patron: *to me* “Did you give me my keys back?”

    Me: “Yes, I did.”

    (She continues looking, can’t find her keys, and begins to yell at me and at her children.)

    Patron: “We are not leaving until I find my keys!”

    Me: “You went to get your daughter a crayon. Might the keys be on the coloring table?”

    Patron: “No! I didn’t go anywhere! They have to be here!”

    (I go to check the coloring table, but I don’t see the keys. I go back and check the circulation desk again, even though I know I gave the keys back to her.)

    Patron: “WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!”

    (At this point, I have to help some other patrons.)

    Patron: *to other patrons* “I’m sure that girl didn’t give my keys back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have them. They aren’t at the desk.”

    Patron: “WHERE ARE THEY?”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    Patron: “This is ridiculous! This always happens down here! It’s a d*** good thing I didn’t lock the house. How would I get in without my keys!?” *to her children* “WE’RE LEAVING!”

    (She drags her children upstairs to the main circulation desk. While there, she tells them that I’ve taken her keys and won’t give them back. However, while complaining, she finds her keys in her bag. Not surprisingly, she did not come back to apologize.)

    Related:
    More Clueless Than Keyless

    Judging A Book By Its Cover, Part 2

    | NE, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I am shelving books when a young lady, probably in college, comes up to me.)

    Patron: “Excuse me, miss, could you please help me find a book for my class?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. What’s the title?”

    Patron: “I can’t remember.”

    Me: “Well, okay, what’s the author’s name?”

    Patron: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Can you tell me what the book was about, then?”

    Patron: “It’s for literature class!”

    Me: “Yes, but can you give me any idea what it might be about? Is it fantasy, science fiction, a mystery?”

    Patron: “I don’t know yet. I haven’t read it!”

    Me: “Um…do you know anything about the book?”

    Patron: “Yeah. I think the cover’s blue.”

    Me: “…Then how are you going to find it?”

    Patron: “I just told you: I need it for class! Can’t you just help me?”

    Me: *giving up* “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t find a book with nothing but the color of the cover.”

    Patron: “But you work here! Isn’t that your job?!”

    Related:
    Judging A Book By Its Cover

    Uncovering The Root Of The Problem

    | CA, USA |

    (A member calls the library regarding his account.)

    Caller: “It shows I still have a DVD on my account, and I was just wondering what that was. I could have sworn I turned them all in.”

    Me: “I see you have on your card Roots, disc #3.”

    Caller: “Hmm, that can’t be right. We only checked out discs #1 and #2, because we knew we wouldn’t have time to watch them all. There must me a mistake. We do not have Roots, disc #3.”

    Me: “Okay, let me go over to the shelf and see if it’s there…” *I check the shelf* “I have on my shelf discs #1, #2, and #4, but not #3. Are you certain you didn’t check it out, possibly at a different time?”

    Caller: “No! We do not have it! I already told you we only checked out the first two! If that’s all I took with me, how and why would I have disc #3?”

    Me: “I am not sure. Would you like me to transfer you to my supervisor. Maybe she can help you figure out the situation?”

    Caller: “No! I want you to fix it, because I don’t have that one!”

    Me: “Sir, unless the DVD is on the shelf, there is little that I can do other than give you more time to look for it, or transfer you to my supervisor so she can handle the matter for you.”

    Caller: “Well, aren’t you useless?!”

    Me: “Okay, just a moment.”

    (I transfer the caller to my supervisor. However, twenty minutes later, a man walks in. It’s clear from what he’s carrying he’s the same caller.)

    Man: *hands me ‘Roots’ disc #3 and walks away*

    An Interest In Corruption

    , | USA | Money, School

    (I work in the fines office of a university library. A professor has come in, outraged that he has been blocked from checking items out. Upon pulling up his account, I see that he has a staggering 700 books checked out and $4,500 in fines.)

    Professor: “I need to check out books for a presentation tomorrow! This system is corrupt!”

    Me: “If there are more than $80 in fines, patrons cannot check out. But as long as you bring these overdue books in before [date)], all the fines will be removed.”

    Professor: “I can’t do that!” *pulls out checkbook* “Here’s what I’m going to do. I will write you a check for $4,500 so I can check out more books. Then, when I bring the overdue books in, you will pay me the $4,500 back with interest. Got it?!”

    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 12

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I am at the local library, checking out Bram Stoker’s Dracula. A teenage girl barges up to the desk with the entire Twilight collection in her arms.)

    Me: “Hey, I was checking—”

    Girl: *completely ignoring me* “I would like to check these out!”

    Librarian: “Please wait in line, miss.”

    Girl: “Are you refusing me service?”

    Librarian: “No, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Girl: “I really love these books! This is, like, the fifth time I’ve read them!”

    Librarian: “Perhaps I could interest you in other vampire related materials?”

    Girl: “Oh, my god! There’s more?”

    (I’m really angry at this point and interject, since the girl is oblivious to the fact she cut in front of me.)

    Me: “Yes, there are. However, no other book that has anything to do with vampires is as loaded with useless Mary Sues as that mountain of garbage you oh so adore.”

    Girl: *completely clueless* “What do you mean? These books are great!”

    Me: *points at cover of Dracula’* “This guy is a vampire.”

    Girl: “No he’s not! He’s way too ugly!”

    Me: “Yes, he is a vampire. Vampires, as they should be, are hideous predators that only seek to feed on humanity. The so called vegetarianism’ that is present in Twilight offers no sustenance to a vampire. Also, when they go out in the daylight, they burn, not take a bath in a vat of rhinestones.”

    Librarian: “He does have a point there.”

    Girl: “That’s disgusting! Who would want a vampire like that?”

    (She storms out of the library with the Magnum Opus of snowflakes in her book bag.)

    Related:
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 11
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 10
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 9
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 8
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 7
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 6
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 5
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy


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