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    Customer Service, God Speaking

    | El Paso, TX, USA |

    (I’m working at the library; it’s cloudy and raining outside.)

    Patron: “Can you do something about all that noise?”

    Me: “Is the AC too loud? Maintenance isn’t here today, but I can give you some ear plugs.”

    Patron: “NOT THAT! ¬†The construction! ¬†Tell them I’m trying to work!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no construction.”

    Patron: “That rumbling!”

    Me: “You mean the thunder?”

    Patron: “Whatever. Tell them to stop.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I really have no control over nature.”

    Patron: “Ugh, you people! You can’t do ANYTHING!”

    (Sadly, this man is a doctor.)

    What Goes Around Comes Around

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Me: “Reference Desk, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “I have been waiting for a book for months, and it’s overdue.”

    Me: “Okay, I can put it on hold for you and that will trigger our system to call the person who has it out.”

    Caller: “I can’t believe that you let people do this.¬†It’s so rude! Don’t people understand that maybe someone else might be waiting to read that book?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I understand. Could you please tell me your name and the title of the book?”

    Caller: *tells me her name and the book title*

    (I type in her name, click “Place Hold” and enter the title. An error message pops up: “Cannot place hold. This title is already checked out to this patron.”)

    Me: “Ma’am… there seems to be a problem.¬†I can’t place the book on hold for you because you are the one who has it checked out.”

    Caller: “What? WHAT?! That is impossible! How could that be? I never checked that book out!”

    Me: “Well, it’s out on your card, and it’s quite overdue. I’m going to have to ask you to return it, because there are people waiting to read it.”

    Related:
    An Expensive Temper Tantrum, Part 2

    Please, Please Listen To Yourself Talk

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Top

    (At our library, the computers are all self-sign up. All you have to do is type in your name and library card number. This is clearly posted on the side of the monitor. In walks a young woman and her boyfriend.)

    Young woman: “Can you help me with this?”

    Me: “What’s the problem?”

    Young woman: “I don’t know what to do.”

    Me: “The instructions are on the side of the monitor.”

    Young woman: “But why can’t you tell me how to do it?”

    Me: “Because it’s SELF-SIGN UP.”

    Young woman: “But I need help!”

    Me: “All you have to do is type in your name and library card number.”

    Young woman: “But do I have to read the screen?”

    Me: *confused* “Of… course. The screen tells you when to type in your information. You have to read the screen.”

    Young woman: “BUT I DIDN’T COME INTO THE LIBRARY TO READ!”

    Young woman’s boyfriend: *turns abruptly and walks out the door*

    Why Everything Seems To Take Forever

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    Library patron: “I need to get on a computer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry… as the sign on the sign-up computer says, the entire computer system is down.”

    Library patron:“Oh, I just need to check my email.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s everything.”

    Library patron: “Well, could you look up a book for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I guess I’m not clear. The ENTIRE system is down. We can’t do anything that involves the internet and that includes printing things out. We even use VOIP phones so we can’t call out.”

    Library patron: “Oh. Well, just look up what I have checked out right now, and tell me when it’s due.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, either.”

    Library patron: “Can you check my email for me?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We use the same system.”

    Library patron: “But, I saw you typing!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m working on a report on the word processor. This is something that doesn’t use the Internet.”

    Library patron: “Well, when will the computers be fixed?”

    Me: “We don’t know.”

    Library patron: “Why?”

    Me: “Because it’s broken. If we knew what was wrong, we’d be fixing it.”

    Library patron: “Does this happen often?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Library patron: “So you are saying it’s just a coincidence that the first time I need to use the computer, the system is down?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Library patron: “Do you actually do anything useful here?”

    Me: “Well, normally I’d be troubleshooting the problem with the system, but for the past 10 minutes, I’ve been having to answer your questions about it.”

    Library patron: *stomps off*

    Even Customers Have A Stupid Quota

    | Texas, USA |

    Customer: “What time is tax assistance here?”

    Me: “They are here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, from 12 to 2 o’clock.”

    Customer: “Okay, so they’re here Tuesday through Thursday, from 12 to 2 o’clock?”

    Me: “No sir, only on Tuesday and Thursday.”

    Customer: “Okay, Tuesday and Thursday, all day long?”

    Me: “No sir, only from noon until 2.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me that they are here from noon to 2?”

    Me: ¬†”Yes.”

    Customer: “And that’s on Mondays and Tuesdays?”

    Me: “No, sir… ”

    (Before I can say anything further, the person behind him explodes…)

    Another customer: “It’s here on Tuesday and Thursday from 12 to 2! I don’t even know what the @#$% you are asking about, but I’ve figured out what time it happens! What the @#$% is wrong with you?!”

    Customer: *slinks away*

    Related:
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota, Part 2
    Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

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