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    Geographically Incontinent

    | Maryland, USA |

    Me: “Public library, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I have kind of a dumb question.”

    Me: “Oh, well, what’s your question?”

    Caller: “I need to know what the seven continents are.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s not a dumb question. Why don’t you tell me which ones you know and I’ll tell you which ones you’re missing.”

    Caller: “Okay, thanks. Let’s see…North America, South America, Asia, Africa, France, Italy…”

    Me: “Whoa, hold up. France and Italy aren’t continents.”

    Caller: “Really?”

    Me: “You said North America, South America, Asia, Africa…the ones you’re missing are Europe, Antarctica…”

    Caller: *writing this down* “Okay…”

    Me: “…and Australia.”

    Caller: “Oh yeah! Austria! Okay, thanks so much.”

    Makes You Want To Dye A Little

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is it to make copies?”

    Me: “It’s ten cents a page for black and white and fifty cents a page for color.”

    Customer: “You can make color copies?”

    Me: “Sure. Just make sure you choose ‘color’ before you start copying.”

    (The patron goes to the copy machine, and comes back a few minutes later.)

    Customer: “It’s not working. I’m only getting black and white.”

    Me: “Okay. Let me see if I can figure out what’s going on.”

    (I notice the patron is trying to copy something that is entirely black and white.)

    Me: “Oh, I see. To get a color copy, the original does need to be in color.”

    Customer: “The machine won’t put the color back in?”

    The Devil Revils In The Details

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I check out books?”

    Me: “Do you have a library card?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: *checks out books* “Okay, you’re all set. These are due back January 15.”

    Customer: “But that was 11 months ago!”

    Me: “January 15 of 2010, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What if I return them NEXT January 15?”

    Me: “Then you would owe $365 in overdue fines, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But it would still be January 15!”

    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 3

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um…do you smoke pot?”

    Me: “Uh…no.”

    Customer: “See…there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like…um…buy your pee?”

    Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

    Customer: *slouches off*

    Related:
    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2
    Urine Way Over Your Head

    Neither A Lounge Recliner Nor A Borrower Be

    | Rugby, UK | Top

    (I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

    Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

    Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

    Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

    Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

    Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

    Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

    Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

    Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

    Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

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