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    A Sudden Change Of Heart

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Customer:: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

    Customer:: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

    Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

    Customer:: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer:: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

    Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

    Customer:: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”

    Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    (I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

    Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

    Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

    Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

    Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

    Kid’s friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

    Me: “Sure, does this work?”

    Kid’s friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

    Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

    Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

    Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

    Bird Brained, Part 3

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Customer: “I need a handbook about cockatiels.”

    Me: “Well we have some books on cockatiels right here, what did you need to know?”

    Customer: “I think my bird is pregnant. I need to know how to tell if my bird is pregnant.”

    Me: “Well this one has information about breeding and hatching eggs.”

    Customer: “I guess that will work. Will that tell me how to tell what sex my bird is?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2

    Dialog Boxes Are Forever

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Top

    (I’m at the library checking my email, when another patron seated next to me taps me on the shoulder.)

    Patron: “Excuse me, I’m trying to get into email, but something pops up, I click “No”, and all I get is a blank page.”

    Me: “Have you tried clicking ‘Yes’?”

    Patron: “Why would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, if it’s asking if you want to continue, and you should click ‘Yes’.”

    Patron: *tries again* “It just brings up the blank page again!”

    Me: “Did you click ‘Yes’ to continue?”

    Patron: “No, I clicked ‘No’.”

    Me: “Why did you click ‘No’? I told you to click ‘Yes’.”

    Patron: *tries again* “Okay, do I click ‘No’?”

    Me: “You click on ‘Yes’!”

    (Not surprisingly, she clicks on ‘No’. She does this several times as other library patrons who overhear us begin to laugh.)

    Patron: “Okay, so I get this message–”

    (This time, I seize her mouse before she can do anything and click ‘Yes’. Hotmail pops up.)

    Patron: “Oh, it works now! That’s funny. Thank you!”

    Related:
    Infinitely Loopy But Happy As A Clam
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
    Laziness Is The Father Of Repetition

    How To Strike Out 101

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    (I’m female, and one day a male patron walked up to me.)

    Patron: “Can you look up information on gonorrhea for me?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    (I start searching in various databases when I suddenly feel the patron caressing my knee.)

    Patron: “You’re doing such a good job!”

    Me: “…”

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