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    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 3

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

    Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um…do you smoke pot?”

    Me: “Uh…no.”

    Customer: “See…there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like…um…buy your pee?”

    Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

    Customer: *slouches off*

    Related:
    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2
    Urine Way Over Your Head

    Neither A Lounge Recliner Nor A Borrower Be

    | Rugby, UK | Top

    (I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

    Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

    Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

    Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

    Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

    Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

    Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

    Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

    Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

    Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

    A Sudden Change Of Heart

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Customer:: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

    Customer:: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

    Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

    Customer:: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer:: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

    Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

    Customer:: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”

    Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    (I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

    Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

    Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

    Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

    Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

    Kid’s friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

    Me: “Sure, does this work?”

    Kid’s friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

    Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

    Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

    Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

    Bird Brained, Part 3

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Customer: “I need a handbook about cockatiels.”

    Me: “Well we have some books on cockatiels right here, what did you need to know?”

    Customer: “I think my bird is pregnant. I need to know how to tell if my bird is pregnant.”

    Me: “Well this one has information about breeding and hatching eggs.”

    Customer: “I guess that will work. Will that tell me how to tell what sex my bird is?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2


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