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    Thick Accents, Thicker Heads

    | New Zealand | Books & Reading, Movies & TV, Tourists/Travel

    (A teenage girl enters the library.)

    Me: “Hi, do you need help?”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “Okay. Are you a member of this library or any other Wellington library?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I’m here with my mother for the US summer ’cause I live with Dad in Florida.”

    Me: “We can sign you up to the library for free and issue you a card. The card will cost two dollars.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “So, what book were you looking for?”

    Customer: “Twilight. Have you heard of it? Most people in America have read it, but I’m not sure if it’s here.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. It was quite big for a while. My sister loved it.”

    Customer: “It’s my second favorite book ever, after Eclipse.”

    Me: “Oh, did you leave your copy in America?”

    Customer: “No, I just wanted a copy from here because everyone here has really funny accents  and I wanted to know how that would change the story.”

    Library Staff Are Very Amen-able

    | Tennessee, USA | Books & Reading, Religion

    Customer: *handing me a book* “Is this the Koran?”

    Me: “No sir, this appears to be a book about Ojibwe singers.”

    Customer: “The lady said it would be on aisle 6B.”

    Me: “It is, but the Koran’s call number is 297. This book is listed under 264.”

    *blank stare*

    Me: “Let me try to help you find it.”

    (Walking to aisle 6B, I notice that the book he grabbed is the first book on the aisle, at eye level.)

    Me: “Sir, did you just walk to aisle 6B and grab the first book you saw?”

    Customer: “I couldn’t find it, so…yes.”

    (He then find’s another book on the shelf.)

    Customer: “Oh here it is! Would this be the best one?”

    (The patron has picked up ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Koran’.)

    Suffering From A-Salt

    | Alabama, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Top

    (I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a 16 year old girl who is a diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

    Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

    Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

    (She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

    Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your…wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

    Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

    Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

    (As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do’. She then falls to the ground shaking and convulsing.)

    Patron: “Oh s***!” *runs out of the library*

    Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”

    Corrupt The Kids And You’ll Have H*** Toupee

    | Melbourne, Australia | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

    (I’m a female. I’ve recently shaved my head for charity.)

    Customer’s Son: “Mum, there’s a boy-lady!”

    Customer: *distracted* “Is there darling?”

    Customer’s Son: “Yes, at the counter.”

    (The mother glares at me.)

    Customer: “I see.”

    Customer’s Son: “Can I be a boy-lady?”

    Customer: “No. No you cannot.”

    (They finish what they’re doing and as they’re leaving the mother calls me over.)

    Customer: “I don’t care what you do at home, but if you want to pass for female in public, buy a d*** wig. You’re corrupting the kids!”

    DVD: Die Video Die

    | Wollongong, Australia | Liars & Scammers, Movies & TV, Top

    Customer: “This d*** DVD doesn’t work!”

    Me: “Oh I’m sorry sir, I’ll put it in to be cleaned immediately.” *I check disc for scratches* “I would say the reason this particular disc doesn’t work is that it’s cracked right in half.”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that s***! Half the DVD’s from this place won’t work in my DVD player!”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately some patrons don’t take very good care of them.”

    Customer: “Well why should I? It don’t work so I snapped it!”

    Me:You broke the DVD sir?”

    Customer: “Your DVDs never work anyway, and I’m sick of it!”

    Me: “You realize I will have to charge you the cost of a new DVD?”

    Customer: “That’s an outrage! Your DVDs don’t work because some selfish idiot doesn’t look after them, so I have to pay for it?”

    Me: “Did you or did you not break this DVD in half sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, but only because I’d already scratched it by throwing it across the room.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Customer: “Well if I didn’t do it, someone else just would have…If my dog damaged the disc, would I still have to pay for it?”

    Me: “Yes, you would.”

    Customer: “You’re a moody cow, you know that?!”

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