Weighting For The Other Shoe To Drop

| South Carolina, USA |

Regular Customer #1: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

Me: *beaming* “I have, in fact! I’ve had to fight pretty hard for it. Thank you for noticing!”

(Ten minutes later…)

Regular Customer #2: “Are you having a baby?”

Me: *no longer beaming*

Alohomorons

| Newport, TN, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

(I’m working in the library when a patron of about 11 or 12 years of age walks up. We have the following exchange.)

Young Patron: “Where do you have the Harry Potter books?”

Me: “They’re right back here…”

(I show her to the section where we keep them. She stares at them for a while.)

Young Patron: “Can I have the Prisoner of Azkaban?”

(I take it out and place it on a table. She opens it up and leafs through it.)

Young Patron: “Oh my God! There are so many words! Can I have the one with less pages?!”

Copy That, Not

| Pennsylvania, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

(I am showing a guy how to use the copier.)

Me: “Lift the lid from the front.”

Patron: *ignores me and keeps trying the side*

Me: “The front.”

Patron: *ignores*

(I reach over and lift it for him.)

Me: “That’s the front. Do you want me to make your copy for you?”

Patron: *ignores me again* “So, I put it like this?” *flops the thing down diagonal on the glass*

Me: “Which side do you want to copy?”

Patron: *silence*

Me: “Which side–”

Patron: “So, it’s a dime?”

Me: “Which–”

Patron: “A dime?”

Me: “Wait a sec. Which side do you want to copy?”

(A minute or two later.)

Me: “Press copy and press start.”

Patron: *stares at the machine*

Me: “Copy is the first button on the screen.”

Patron: *stares*

Me: “Just press copy.”

Patron: “Now?”

Me: “Yes. Okay, now press start. It’s the giant green button.”

Patron: *stares at the screen*

Me: “On the right, in the keypad.”

Patron: *stares*

Me: “On the right.”

Patron: *stares*

Me: “The right. It’s the only green one.”

Patron: *stares*

(I reach over and point.)

Me: “Press this button.”

Patron: “Now?”

Some People Aren’t Backward Compatible

| Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work at a public library. Patrons often ask us how to print from the computers.)

Patron: “I need to pay for my printing.”

Me: “Okay. When you hit the print button, how much did it say it was going to cost?”

Patron: “I did not hit the print button.”

Me: “What computer were you sitting at?”

Patron: *impatient* “I was not sitting at a computer. I am trying to print from the typewriter!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I am confused. You were not sitting at a computer, but at the typewriter? And you want to print what you typed?”

Patron: “This is ridiculous! I cannot believe you won’t help me!” *leaves*

Not A Shred Of Intelligence

, | Orange County, NY, USA | School, Top, Wild & Unruly

(It’s finals week and a student approaches our help desk.)

Student: “Your copy machine isn’t working. My papers wont come out.”

Me: “It’s probably jammed. I’ll have my coworker fix that for you.”

(My coworker follows the student to the copy machines. After a few minutes, the student runs by me in tears. My coworker comes back a few moments later.)

Me: “What happened?!”

Coworker: “She used the shredder instead of the copy machine.”

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