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    An Interest In Corruption

    , | USA | Money, School

    (I work in the fines office of a university library. A professor has come in, outraged that he has been blocked from checking items out. Upon pulling up his account, I see that he has a staggering 700 books checked out and $4,500 in fines.)

    Professor: “I need to check out books for a presentation tomorrow! This system is corrupt!”

    Me: “If there are more than $80 in fines, patrons cannot check out. But as long as you bring these overdue books in before [date] all the fines will be removed.”

    Professor: “I can’t do that!” *pulls out checkbook* “Here’s what I’m going to do. I will write you a check for $4,500 so I can check out more books. Then, when I bring the overdue books in, you will pay me the $4,500 back with interest. Got it?!”

    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 12

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I am at the local library, checking out Bram Stoker’s Dracula. A teenage girl barges up to the desk with the entire Twilight collection in her arms.)

    Me: “Hey, I was checking—”

    Girl: *completely ignoring me* “I would like to check these out!”

    Librarian: “Please wait in line, miss.”

    Girl: “Are you refusing me service?”

    Librarian: “No, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Girl: “I really love these books! This is, like, the fifth time I’ve read them!”

    Librarian: “Perhaps I could interest you in other vampire related materials?”

    Girl: “Oh, my god! There’s more?”

    (I’m really angry at this point and interject, since the girl is oblivious to the fact she cut in front of me.)

    Me: “Yes, there are. However, no other book that has anything to do with vampires is as loaded with useless Mary Sues as that mountain of garbage you oh so adore.”

    Girl: *completely clueless* “What do you mean? These books are great!”

    Me: *points at cover of Dracula’* “This guy is a vampire.”

    Girl: “No he’s not! He’s way too ugly!”

    Me: “Yes, he is a vampire. Vampires, as they should be, are hideous predators that only seek to feed on humanity. The so called vegetarianism’ that is present in Twilight offers no sustenance to a vampire. Also, when they go out in the daylight, they burn, not take a bath in a vat of rhinestones.”

    Librarian: “He does have a point there.”

    Girl: “That’s disgusting! Who would want a vampire like that?”

    (She storms out of the library with the Magnum Opus of snowflakes in her book bag.)

    Related:
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 11
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 10
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 9
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 8
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 7
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 6
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 5
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
    The Twilight Of Our Literacy

    Their Mind Is Long Overdue

    | Maine, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Library. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, this is the library. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is this [bank]?”

    Me: “No, this is [library].”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “This is [library]. I believe you have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “You have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “What number is this?”

    Me: “It’s [number].”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “It’s [number].”

    Caller: “I know. That’s the number I dialed.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but you either have the wrong number or dialed the wrong number. This is [library] not [bank].”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “This is [library] not [bank]. You have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “So then, what’s the right number?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I have no idea what [bank]’s number is.”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, I don’t work at nor do business with that particular bank. I have no reason to need the number.”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “You have the wrong number and I don’t know what the right number is.”

    (I hang up, but the phone immediately rings again. I’m pretty sure it’s the same person, so I let it go to voicemail. A few minutes later I check my messages, and, sure enough, there’s a message from the person I had just spoken with.)

    Caller: “This is [name] and I’m having issues with my checking account. I called earlier, but the person who answered didn’t know what they were talking about!”

    Blowing Things Out (And Up) Of Proportion

    | CA, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Top

    (When I was in 7th grade, I volunteered at a local library. My main job was to gather books for pull lists. One day when I’m checking in some books and filling out sending forms, a man and his daughter walk up to my computer. Note: the scanner I am using beeps every time I scan a book.)

    Daughter: “Why is it making that beeping sound, Daddy?”

    Father: “I don’t know. Maybe she’s checking them in.”

    Daughter: “Really?”

    Father: “No. I think she’s going to steal them.”

    (I look up, confused, and I’m about to interject when the father walks over to the head librarian’s door.)

    Me: “Um, sir?”

    Father: “Quiet, thief!” *knocks on the librarians door*

    Head Librarian: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Father: “That girl over there, who is clearly not authorized to run those machines, was stealing your books!”

    Me: “I was checking them out to put them into the send boxes.”

    Father: “No! I clearly saw you stuff books into your pockets!”

    Coworker: “Sir, she doesn’t have any pockets.”

    Father: “I meant down her shirt!”

    (Note: I am wearing a tight fitting shirt. If so much as a piece of paper had been under my shirt, it would have been very visible. Needless to say, there are clearly no books under my shirt.)

    Father: “Fine! If you don’t believe me, I’m calling the cops!”

    Head Librarian: “Sir, she was not stealing books! Please do not call the police!”

    (The father ignores the head librarian and proceeds to dial the police anyway. The operator on the other end of the phone is speaking loud enough for us to hear.)

    Father: “Excuse me, I’d like to report a girl stealing books at the ***** Library.”

    Operator: “Sir, are you a member of the library staff?”

    Father: “No, but I saw it happen!”

    Operator: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but—”

    Father: “…and she planted a bomb!”

    Me: “What?!”

    Operator: *sighs audibly* “Right. We’ll send a bomb squad…”

    (Five minutes later, there is indeed a bomb squad outside the library doors. They end up having to clear out the library, search me, and go through the entire library with bomb-dogs.)

    Daughter: *to her father* “How come you said she planted a bomb? She didn’t!”

    (When the police heard that, they arrested the father. I got a week off.)

    This Apple Doesn’t Foul Far From The Tree

    | Virginia, USA | Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a community college library. I am passing through the kid’s room, where students often leave their children while they study, when I witness a small boy push a girl down over a toy.)

    Little Boy: *to the little girl* “F***ing C**t!!”

    (Shocked and offended by his foul language, I march straight into the room, snatch him up by the arm, and physically drag him, bawling and squalling into the main library, where his mother is talking on her cell phone.)

    Me: “I’m going to tell your mom EXACTLY what you said to that little girl—”

    Mom: *into her phone* “Hold on…” *to me* “Hey! HEY! What the F*** are you doing to my boy!? F***ING B***H!”

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