Me: “Public library, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I have kind of a dumb question.”

Me: “Oh, well, what’s your question?”

Caller: “I need to know what the seven continents are.”

Me: “Oh, that’s not a dumb question. Why don’t you tell me which ones you know and I’ll tell you which ones you’re missing.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks. Let’s see…North America, South America, Asia, Africa, France, Italy…”

Me: “Whoa, hold up. France and Italy aren’t continents.”

Caller: “Really?”

Me: “You said North America, South America, Asia, Africa…the ones you’re missing are Europe, Antarctica…”

Caller: *writing this down* “Okay…”

Me: “…and Australia.”

Caller: “Oh yeah! Austria! Okay, thanks so much.”

Customer: “How much is it to make copies?”

Me: “It’s ten cents a page for black and white and fifty cents a page for color.”

Customer: “You can make color copies?”

Me: “Sure. Just make sure you choose ‘color’ before you start copying.”

(The patron goes to the copy machine, and comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “It’s not working. I’m only getting black and white.”

Me: “Okay. Let me see if I can figure out what’s going on.”

(I notice the patron is trying to copy something that is entirely black and white.)

Me: “Oh, I see. To get a color copy, the original does need to be in color.”

Customer: “The machine won’t put the color back in?”

Customer: “Can I check out books?”

Me: “Do you have a library card?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: *checks out books* “Okay, you’re all set. These are due back January 15.”

Customer: “But that was 11 months ago!”

Me: “January 15 of 2010, ma’am.”

Customer: “What if I return them NEXT January 15?”

Me: “Then you would owe $365 in overdue fines, ma’am.”

Customer: “But it would still be January 15!”

(I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um…do you smoke pot?”

Me: “Uh…no.”

Customer: “See…there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like…um…buy your pee?”

Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

Customer: *slouches off*

Related:
Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2
Urine Way Over Your Head

(I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

Customer:: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Customer:: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

Customer:: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer:: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

Customer:: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”

(I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

Kid‚Äôs friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

Me: “Sure, does this work?”

Kid‚Äôs friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

Me: “No problem.”

(I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

Customer: “I need a handbook about cockatiels.”

Me: “Well we have some books on cockatiels right here, what did you need to know?”

Customer: “I think my bird is pregnant. I need to know how to tell if my bird is pregnant.”

Me: “Well this one has information about breeding and hatching eggs.”

Customer: “I guess that will work. Will that tell me how to tell what sex my bird is?”

Related:
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2

(I’m at the library checking my email, when another patron seated next to me taps me on the shoulder.)

Patron: “Excuse me, I’m trying to get into email, but something pops up, I click “No”, and all I get is a blank page.”

Me: “Have you tried clicking ‘Yes’?”

Patron: “Why would I do that?”

Me: “Well, if it’s asking if you want to continue, and you should click ‘Yes’.”

Patron: *tries again* “It just brings up the blank page again!”

Me: “Did you click ‘Yes’ to continue?”

Patron: “No, I clicked ‘No’.”

Me: “Why did you click ‘No’? I told you to click ‘Yes’.”

Patron: *tries again* “Okay, do I click ‘No’?”

Me: “You click on ‘Yes’!”

(Not surprisingly, she clicks on ‘No’. She does this several times as other library patrons who overhear us begin to laugh.)

Patron: “Okay, so I get this message–”

(This time, I seize her mouse before she can do anything and click ‘Yes’. Hotmail pops up.)

Patron: “Oh, it works now! That’s funny. Thank you!”

Related:
Infinitely Loopy But Happy As A Clam
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
Laziness Is The Father Of Repetition