(I’m on the reference desk on the main floor of our library, when a smartly dressed middle aged woman comes to ask me a question.)

Patron: “Hello, do you only lend books here?”

Me: “No, we also have DVDs, CDs, books on tape, and there are newspapers and magazines but we don’t loan those. Can I help you find something?”

Patron: “There’s a lot of furniture in here.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose there is.”

Patron: “I’d like to borrow a table, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t loan the furniture to people.”

Patron: “It’s for my mother. She’s coming over from Germany next week and she’s a very fussy eater so we need a bigger table. How long can I borrow it for?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furnishings. If you’d like, I can find you the number for a company that rents them out. Would that help?”

Patron: “I’m not paying any money! That’s the whole point on lending things. Will one of your staff help me carry it home?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, but we don’t lend out furniture under any circumstances.”

Patron: “But she’s coming from Germany.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t lend you a table, but there’s a local company that rents out furniture for parties and–”

Patron: “NO! Table! Now! You just want to keep them for yourselves!”

Customer:: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Customer:: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

Customer:: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer:: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

Customer:: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”

(I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

Kid‚Äôs friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

Me: “Sure, does this work?”

Kid‚Äôs friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

Me: “No problem.”

(I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

Customer: “I need a handbook about cockatiels.”

Me: “Well we have some books on cockatiels right here, what did you need to know?”

Customer: “I think my bird is pregnant. I need to know how to tell if my bird is pregnant.”

Me: “Well this one has information about breeding and hatching eggs.”

Customer: “I guess that will work. Will that tell me how to tell what sex my bird is?”

Related:
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2

(I’m at the library checking my email, when another patron seated next to me taps me on the shoulder.)

Patron: “Excuse me, I’m trying to get into email, but something pops up, I click “No”, and all I get is a blank page.”

Me: “Have you tried clicking ‘Yes’?”

Patron: “Why would I do that?”

Me: “Well, if it’s asking if you want to continue, and you should click ‘Yes’.”

Patron: *tries again* “It just brings up the blank page again!”

Me: “Did you click ‘Yes’ to continue?”

Patron: “No, I clicked ‘No’.”

Me: “Why did you click ‘No’? I told you to click ‘Yes’.”

Patron: *tries again* “Okay, do I click ‘No’?”

Me: “You click on ‘Yes’!”

(Not surprisingly, she clicks on ‘No’. She does this several times as other library patrons who overhear us begin to laugh.)

Patron: “Okay, so I get this message–”

(This time, I seize her mouse before she can do anything and click ‘Yes’. Hotmail pops up.)

Patron: “Oh, it works now! That’s funny. Thank you!”

Related:
Infinitely Loopy But Happy As A Clam
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
Laziness Is The Father Of Repetition

(I’m female, and one day a male patron walked up to me.)

Patron: “Can you look up information on gonorrhea for me?”

Me: “Sure…”

(I start searching in various databases when I suddenly feel the patron caressing my knee.)

Patron: “You’re doing such a good job!”

Me: “…”

(A customer approaches me holding an audio book.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s an audio book.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Well, it’s books read aloud so people can listen to them instead of reading the text.”

(The customer looks horrified.)

Customer: “Do you have more?”

Me: “Oh yes, those shelves behind you there.” *pointing*

Customer: *looking at the rows of audio books* “That’s disgusting! People who can’t read shouldn’t be allowed in libraries anyway! You shouldn’t pander to them!”

Me: “Well, it’s also for people who have low or no vision.”

Customer: “They have no right to books, either!” *storms out*

(We have an older patron who comes into the library to use the Internet. She’s around 65 and not computer literate, so we help her out whenever she needs us.)

Patron: “Miss, could you help me? I don’t understand what is happening.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Patron: “I think I had a stroke or something!”

Me: “Oh my God, what do you feel?”

Patron: “Well, I can’t understand the words on the computer. It doesn’t make any sense! I’m so confused!”

(She seems fine, just aggravated, but I call over my co-worker who is in a nursing program.)

Me: “Can you check her out real quick?”

Coworker: “You’re fine. What did you feel?”

Patron: “Well, nothing. But, all of a sudden, I lost my ability to understand writing. I opened an email from my granddaughter and I didn’t understand a word of it!”

(My coworker and I read the email:)

Coworker: “Um, I think she just wrote in a hurry and didn’t realize that you didn’t understand her shorthand. It’s teenspeak, so it’s a little hard to understand.”

Patron: “Oh, thank God…such a stupid girl! I’m going to tell my son to throw her TV and computer away and make her read some books!”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re preaching to the choir.”

Library patron: “How much is this book?”

Me: “Well, according to the price on the back it looks like it costs about $27.00. However, the actual price may vary depending on where you buy it.”

Library patron: “Wow, that is a lot of money.”

Me: “Yea, kind of.”

Library patron: “Okay, well…I’ll take it,”

Me: “Okay, I will need your library card and I can check it out to you.”

Library patron: “Oh, I want to write a check.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t sell books here. This is a library, so you borrow them.”

Library patron: “So you are not going to sell me this book?”

Me: “No, but I will gladly let you check it out if you have a library card.”

Library patron: “What kind of store is this?”

Me: “It isn’t a store…it’s a library.”

Library patron: “So you really won’t sell me this book?”

Me: “No, I cannot sell you that book.”

Library patron: “Fine! I’ll take my money elsewhere!”

Me: “Nice doing business with you!”

(I’m sitting at the reference desk when a lady walks in with a beautiful bouquet in one hand, a bag full of freshly-baked loaves of bread in the other, and a ferocious scowl on her face. She comes to the desk and slams down the flowers.)

Lady: *growls* “Flowers for librarians!”

(She slams down the bread, then growls again.)

Lady: “Bread for librarians!”

(She then puts both hands on the desk and leans forward.)

Lady: *snarling* “Now find me a book!”