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    H2-D’oh!

    | NE, USA | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement

    Me: “[Lawn Care], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, you seeded my backyard for me this spring.”

    Me: “Yes, is everything okay?”

    Caller: “Well, it isn’t coming up very well. Some of it is, but not very much.”

    Me: “I see, and how often are you watering?”

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “How often are you watering your lawn?”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m not. Should I be? Will that help?”

    Not A Turf Decision

    | NE, USA | Bad Behavior

    Caller: “Why did you send me a contract?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “You sent me a lawn contract. For my lawn.”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Caller: “Why?”

    Me: “We send a prospective contract to anyone whose info we have in our system.”

    Caller: “I didn’t ask for it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but—”

    Caller: “Why did you send this to me?”

    Me: “Well, as I said—”

    Caller: “How do you know how much grass I have?”

    Me: “You see we keep—”

    Caller: “Why did you send this to me?! I didn’t ask for this!”

    Me: “Um, actually, looking at your info, sir, we did your yard two years ago.”

    Caller: *silent*

    Me: “Mr. [Name]?”

    Caller: “Tell me more about this ‘Deluxe Program’ you have here…”

    We’d Love To Cut Your Lawn, But—

    | Nebraska, USA | Top

    (I’m attempting to let a customer know via telephone that we want to treat their yard the next day.)

    Me: “Hi this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Hi, this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Th—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: *quickly* “This is [lawn care company] calling.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes.”

    Me: “We’d like to put down an application tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Does it need to be mowed first?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “N—”

    Customer: “You’re cutting out.”

    Me: “I—”

    Customer: “WHY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING OUT?!”

    Me: “Because you keep talking over me.”

    Customer: “I do what?”

    Me: “You keep t—”

    Customer: “I do no such thing!”

    Welcome To The Expiration Generation

    | NE, USA |

    (A customer is paying by credit card over the telephone.)

    Me: “And the expiration date of the card?”

    Customer: “3 of 11.”

    Me: “So, it’s expired then?”

    Customer: “Why, is that a problem?”

    Digging Your Tree Out Of A Hole

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that was now dying.)

    Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

    Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

    (I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

    Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

    Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

    Me: “You buried it deeper?”

    Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

    Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

    Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”

    Related:
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

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