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    The End Justifies The Crazy Means

    | Munich, Germany |

    (I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

    Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

    Debtor: “They’re good paintings – I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of **** that they’re good.”

    Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.

    Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

    Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer…”

    Me: *to my co-worker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

    Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

    | Germany | Top

    Me: “This is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

    Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

    Caller: “So I don’t have to appear there?”

    Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to’. But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

    Caller: “No, I won’t.”

    Me: “Okay, very well then. Thanks for the call.”

    Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

    Sounds Like A Pro Bonehead Case

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is this the lawyer’s office?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Caller: “What’s y’all’s phone number?”

    Hey G.W., Crazy Lady On Line 1

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (I used to work in a building on 17th and Pennsylvania Ave, which is a block away from the White House.)

    Me: “Good morning, *** & ***.”

    Lady: “Uh, hi… is this office in DC?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, this is the DC office. How may I direct your call?”

    Lady: “Is your building by the White House?”

    Me: “Yes, it is…?”

    Lady: “Can you run over there and tell them to pick up the phone? I’ve been calling all day but I can’t get ahold of the President!”

    Me: *click*

    Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.)

    Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!”

    Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.”

    Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?”

    Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions, 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…”

    (After this incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say “Do not include the dash”.)


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