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  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
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    There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

    Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

    Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

    Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

    Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

    It Turns Out You Can Be Too Safe

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Caller: *on the phone* “My father-in-law was hit by a car while riding his bike. I need to get some advice about what he should do.”

    Me: “Was he injured?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I mean, he’s conscious and stuff, but he’s bleeding and in pain.”

    Me: “When did this happen?”

    Caller: “About 5 minutes ago. Can we sue the guy?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, did you say this JUST happened? Have you called the police and ambulance?”

    Caller: “No, that’s why I called you. I need to know what to do.”

    Me: “Hang up and call 911!”

    Caller: “Really? So we should take him to the doctor even though he doesn’t have medical insurance? Who’s going to pay for it if he dies? I can’t be responsible for that!”

    (Sirens are heard in the background.)

    Caller: “Oh no, someone must have called, because a firetruck just pulled up…am I going to have to pay for this?”

    Me: “Sir, please deal with his injuries and make sure he’s taken to the hospital. You can call us back after he’s been treated if you need to and we’d be happy to explain how to get the bills paid – right now you need to worry about him.”

    Caller: “I ain’t doin’ anything ’til I know who’s gonna pay for this. I shouldn’t be stuck with this!”

    Me: “In all likelihood, the insurance company for the driver who hit him will pay his medical bills.”

    Caller: “I’m calling them then….” *aside in background* “Don’t go messing with him; I gotta find out who’s paying for this before you go taking him
    anywhere!” *hangs up*

    The End Justifies The Crazy Means

    | Munich, Germany |

    (I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

    Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

    Debtor: “They’re good paintings – I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of **** that they’re good.”

    Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.

    Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

    Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer…”

    Me: *to my co-worker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

    Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

    | Germany | Top

    Me: “This is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

    Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

    Caller: “So I don’t have to appear there?”

    Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to’. But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

    Caller: “No, I won’t.”

    Me: “Okay, very well then. Thanks for the call.”

    Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

    Sounds Like A Pro Bonehead Case

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is this the lawyer’s office?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Caller: “What’s y’all’s phone number?”

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