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    At A Loss

    | CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (We offer third party services to obtain home loan modifications.)

    Me: “Hello. Please be advised that during the loss mitigation solution, we will be requesting updated financials.”

    Client: “Loss…migration solution?”

    Me: “No. Loss mitigation solution.”

    Client: “Loss m… miti… mitigigration?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Loss mitigation. Spelt m, i, t-”

    Client: “Well, whatever it is. Yeah, I’ll get the stuff for you for the migration solution.” *pauses* “Oh, d***! You know, that ‘M’ word.”

    Pot Calling The Kettle Back

    | Washington, D.C., USA | Uncategorized

    (A client is on the phone. They are well-known for calling several times a day.)

    Client: “Is [attorney] there? I need to speak with him, it’s urgent!”

    Me: “He is unavailable, but he told me he will call you as soon as he can.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Client: “I need to speak with [attorney] right now!”

    Me: “He can’t talk with you right now. He will call when he can.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Client: “Can I speak with [attorney] now?”

    Me: “No, he is in the middle of something, but he will call you when he can.”

    Client: “You know, you are starting to sound like a broken record!”

    D’ohpe, Part 2

    | Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

    (I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

    Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

    Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

    Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defence under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

    Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”


    What Wheels Around, Comes Around

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    (I am a paralegal at a small law office; it’s 5:01 pm. I answer one last call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

    Caller: “What time are you open until?”

    Me: “We close at 5:00 pm.”

    Caller: “Oh, so you can’t help me today?”

    Me: “Well, all the lawyers are gone for the day, but maybe I can help you. What did you need?”

    Caller: “I need a motorized wheelchair. Can you bring a few over so I can see them? See, I’m in a wheelchair and disabled so it’s hard for me to get around.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a lawyers office.”

    Caller: “Lawyers, what lawyers? I don’t need no lawyers to get a wheelchair!”

    Me: “No, it’s a law office, perhaps you misdialed.”

    Caller: “Listen, I don’t think you understand. I need a motorized wheelchair. My worker has been saying that he’d make the arrangements for me but he’s said that for months.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is a lawyers office. I simply cannot bring wheelchairs to your home.”

    Caller: “So you won’t bring me a wheelchair? I’m disabled and I can’t get out of the house. This is discrimination and I know my rights! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    In Search Of Common Law And Common Sense

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “This is [law firm], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Are you located on the fifth floor?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well, I am on the fifth floor and there are no offices here.”

    Me: “There are three law firms on the fifth floor, ma’am. We are the one all the way to the right of the elevator.”

    Customer: “No, there are no offices on this floor. It’s totally open. And, its hot.”

    Me: “Hot?”

    Customer: “Yeah, its hot. I think you gave me the wrong address.”

    (Verifies address, customer has the correct address.)

    Customer: “Well, its just an open floor. I got out of my car up here and there’s no office.”

    Me: “Are you… are you on the fifth floor of the parking garage?”

    (My office window looks out at the roof (fifth) level of the parking garage. Sure enough there is a women on her cell phone pacing around the roof level of the parking garage.)

    Customer: “You told me to go to the fifth floor.”

    Me: “Of the office building, ma’am, not of the parking garage.”

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