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    Pissy Comitatus

    | Mansfield, OH, USA |

    (While waiting for his appointment, a client abruptly gets up and leaves. When he returns, he is furious.)

    Client: “Why do you lock people out of your bathrooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have a key here. I’m happy to give it to you. The building keeps the restrooms locked so that people can’t walk in off the street and use them.”

    Client: “Well, what good does that do me now? I thought I wasn’t allowed in, so I had to pee in the parking lot.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you peed in the parking lot?”

    Client: “You people left me no choice!”

    Machines 1, Humanity -16

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

    Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

    Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

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    Lazy Beyond Relief

    | Virginia, USA |

    Caller: *on the phone* “My house is going to be foreclosed on next week! Please help! I can not lose this house; please help me save it!”

    Me: “Okay. We’ll email a bankruptcy questionnaire to you right away. Please fill out as much as you can and get it back to us ASAP.”

    (I email her the packet, which asks basic questions like how much you owe your creditors, what are your assets, how much do you make, etc. The caller phones back 15 minutes later.)

    Caller: “That’s just too much information! Never mind, I’ll just give up the house.”

    There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

    Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

    Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

    Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

    Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

    It Turns Out You Can Be Too Safe

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Caller: *on the phone* “My father-in-law was hit by a car while riding his bike. I need to get some advice about what he should do.”

    Me: “Was he injured?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I mean, he’s conscious and stuff, but he’s bleeding and in pain.”

    Me: “When did this happen?”

    Caller: “About 5 minutes ago. Can we sue the guy?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, did you say this JUST happened? Have you called the police and ambulance?”

    Caller: “No, that’s why I called you. I need to know what to do.”

    Me: “Hang up and call 911!”

    Caller: “Really? So we should take him to the doctor even though he doesn’t have medical insurance? Who’s going to pay for it if he dies? I can’t be responsible for that!”

    (Sirens are heard in the background.)

    Caller: “Oh no, someone must have called, because a firetruck just pulled up…am I going to have to pay for this?”

    Me: “Sir, please deal with his injuries and make sure he’s taken to the hospital. You can call us back after he’s been treated if you need to and we’d be happy to explain how to get the bills paid – right now you need to worry about him.”

    Caller: “I ain’t doin’ anything ’til I know who’s gonna pay for this. I shouldn’t be stuck with this!”

    Me: “In all likelihood, the insurance company for the driver who hit him will pay his medical bills.”

    Caller: “I’m calling them then….” *aside in background* “Don’t go messing with him; I gotta find out who’s paying for this before you go taking him
    anywhere!” *hangs up*

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