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    What Wheels Around, Comes Around

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Crazy Requests

    (I am a paralegal at a small law office; it’s 5:01 pm. I answer one last call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

    Caller: “What time are you open until?”

    Me: “We close at 5:00 pm.”

    Caller: “Oh, so you can’t help me today?”

    Me: “Well, all the lawyers are gone for the day, but maybe I can help you. What did you need?”

    Caller: “I need a motorized wheelchair. Can you bring a few over so I can see them? See, I’m in a wheelchair and disabled so it’s hard for me to get around.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a lawyers office.”

    Caller: “Lawyers, what lawyers? I don’t need no lawyers to get a wheelchair!”

    Me: “No, it’s a law office, perhaps you misdialed.”

    Caller: “Listen, I don’t think you understand. I need a motorized wheelchair. My worker has been saying that he’d make the arrangements for me but he’s said that for months.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is a lawyers office. I simply cannot bring wheelchairs to your home.”

    Caller: “So you won’t bring me a wheelchair? I’m disabled and I can’t get out of the house. This is discrimination and I know my rights! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    In Search Of Common Law And Common Sense

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “This is [law firm], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Are you located on the fifth floor?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well, I am on the fifth floor and there are no offices here.”

    Me: “There are three law firms on the fifth floor, ma’am. We are the one all the way to the right of the elevator.”

    Customer: “No, there are no offices on this floor. It’s totally open. And, its hot.”

    Me: “Hot?”

    Customer: “Yeah, its hot. I think you gave me the wrong address.”

    (Verifies address, customer has the correct address.)

    Customer: “Well, its just an open floor. I got out of my car up here and there’s no office.”

    Me: “Are you… are you on the fifth floor of the parking garage?”

    (My office window looks out at the roof (fifth) level of the parking garage. Sure enough there is a women on her cell phone pacing around the roof level of the parking garage.)

    Customer: “You told me to go to the fifth floor.”

    Me: “Of the office building, ma’am, not of the parking garage.”

    Pissy Comitatus

    | Mansfield, OH, USA |

    (While waiting for his appointment, a client abruptly gets up and leaves. When he returns, he is furious.)

    Client: “Why do you lock people out of your bathrooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have a key here. I’m happy to give it to you. The building keeps the restrooms locked so that people can’t walk in off the street and use them.”

    Client: “Well, what good does that do me now? I thought I wasn’t allowed in, so I had to pee in the parking lot.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you peed in the parking lot?”

    Client: “You people left me no choice!”

    Machines 1, Humanity -16

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

    Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

    Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

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    Lazy Beyond Relief

    | Virginia, USA |

    Caller: *on the phone* “My house is going to be foreclosed on next week! Please help! I can not lose this house; please help me save it!”

    Me: “Okay. We’ll email a bankruptcy questionnaire to you right away. Please fill out as much as you can and get it back to us ASAP.”

    (I email her the packet, which asks basic questions like how much you owe your creditors, what are your assets, how much do you make, etc. The caller phones back 15 minutes later.)

    Caller: “That’s just too much information! Never mind, I’ll just give up the house.”

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