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    D’ohpe, Part 2

    | Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

    (I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

    Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

    Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

    Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defence under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

    Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”

    Related:
    D’ohpe

    What Wheels Around, Comes Around

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    (I am a paralegal at a small law office; it’s 5:01 pm. I answer one last call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

    Caller: “What time are you open until?”

    Me: “We close at 5:00 pm.”

    Caller: “Oh, so you can’t help me today?”

    Me: “Well, all the lawyers are gone for the day, but maybe I can help you. What did you need?”

    Caller: “I need a motorized wheelchair. Can you bring a few over so I can see them? See, I’m in a wheelchair and disabled so it’s hard for me to get around.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a lawyers office.”

    Caller: “Lawyers, what lawyers? I don’t need no lawyers to get a wheelchair!”

    Me: “No, it’s a law office, perhaps you misdialed.”

    Caller: “Listen, I don’t think you understand. I need a motorized wheelchair. My worker has been saying that he’d make the arrangements for me but he’s said that for months.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is a lawyers office. I simply cannot bring wheelchairs to your home.”

    Caller: “So you won’t bring me a wheelchair? I’m disabled and I can’t get out of the house. This is discrimination and I know my rights! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

    In Search Of Common Law And Common Sense

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “This is [law firm], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Are you located on the fifth floor?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well, I am on the fifth floor and there are no offices here.”

    Me: “There are three law firms on the fifth floor, ma’am. We are the one all the way to the right of the elevator.”

    Customer: “No, there are no offices on this floor. It’s totally open. And, its hot.”

    Me: “Hot?”

    Customer: “Yeah, its hot. I think you gave me the wrong address.”

    (Verifies address, customer has the correct address.)

    Customer: “Well, its just an open floor. I got out of my car up here and there’s no office.”

    Me: “Are you… are you on the fifth floor of the parking garage?”

    (My office window looks out at the roof (fifth) level of the parking garage. Sure enough there is a women on her cell phone pacing around the roof level of the parking garage.)

    Customer: “You told me to go to the fifth floor.”

    Me: “Of the office building, ma’am, not of the parking garage.”

    Pissy Comitatus

    | Mansfield, OH, USA | Uncategorized

    (While waiting for his appointment, a client abruptly gets up and leaves. When he returns, he is furious.)

    Client: “Why do you lock people out of your bathrooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We have a key here. I’m happy to give it to you. The building keeps the restrooms locked so that people can’t walk in off the street and use them.”

    Client: “Well, what good does that do me now? I thought I wasn’t allowed in, so I had to pee in the parking lot.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you peed in the parking lot?”

    Client: “You people left me no choice!”

    Machines 1, Humanity -16

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    (It’s 15 minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

    Me: “[Law firm], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

    Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

    Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

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    That’s One Giant Jump To Conclusions For Mankind
    A.I.: Alarming Idiocy
    Overlord PX53A-Z Is Not Pleased

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