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    She Didn’t Marry Him For His Sense

    | London, UK | Money, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a law firm as an office manager and administrator. Our firm only deals with criminal law, personal injury and immigration. A scruffy-looking guy comes in one day.)

    Customer: “Hi, I wonder if you could help me. My wife is going to divorce me and I want custody of my kids.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t deal with family law here. Only criminal, personal injury, and immigration.”

    Customer: “Why won’t you help me?! My kids need to be with me; their mum is crazy!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we do not deal with family law here. I would be happy to refer you to another firm that can help you.”

    Customer: *shouting* “Oh, you are just discriminating against me! Get your manager for me right now!”

    Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Oh, hi there. I wondered if you could help me. My wife wants to divorce me.”

    Me: “I’ve already told you we can’t help you here.”

    Customer: “But look, I’ve got lots of money. I can pay you if that’s the problem!”

    (The man then picks up a bag he has, turns it upside down, and empties the whole bag full of pennies onto my desk.)

    Customer: “See, money. Now, help me.”

    Me: “Listen, you need to leave right now. Take your pennies and leave the building, or I’m going to call security.”

    Customer: “Aah!” *picks up a penny, throws it at me, and runs out, leaving all his pennies*

    Kramer Vs Dracula

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [law firm]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering. Is there any precedent with custody cases involving Satanic vampire covens?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Satanic vampire covens.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m looking to get custody of my child from my ex-wife because she’s recently joined a Satanic vampire coven. I have photographic evidence of her wearing ceremonial robes and drinking human blood. Is there anything I can do?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. Let me go ask someone.”

    Customer: “Ah, nevermind. I’ll just figure it out myself.” *click*

    At A Loss

    | CA, USA |

    (We offer third party services to obtain home loan modifications.)

    Me: “Hello. Please be advised that during the loss mitigation solution, we will be requesting updated financials.”

    Client: “Loss…migration solution?”

    Me: “No. Loss mitigation solution.”

    Client: “Loss m… miti… mitigigration?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Loss mitigation. Spelt m, i, t-”

    Client: “Well, whatever it is. Yeah, I’ll get the stuff for you for the migration solution.” *pauses* “Oh, d***! You know, that ‘M’ word.”

    Pot Calling The Kettle Back

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (A client is on the phone. They are well-known for calling several times a day.)

    Client: “Is [attorney] there? I need to speak with him, it’s urgent!”

    Me: “He is unavailable, but he told me he will call you as soon as he can.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Client: “I need to speak with [attorney] right now!”

    Me: “He can’t talk with you right now. He will call when he can.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Client: “Can I speak with [attorney] now?”

    Me: “No, he is in the middle of something, but he will call you when he can.”

    Client: “You know, you are starting to sound like a broken record!”

    D’ohpe, Part 2

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

    Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

    Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

    Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defence under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

    Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”


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