Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

| VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

(Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

No Money, More Problems

| Washington, DC, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money

(I work at a law office that represents banks in their dealings with the SEC, Federal Reserve, FDIC, etc.)

Caller: “I need bankruptcy help!”

Me: “We represent banks in their dealings with federal and state regulators.”

Caller: “I need to file bankruptcy!”

Me: “We don’t do that here.”

Caller: “Well, who does?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir.”

Caller: “Let me talk to the lawyer. He knows.”

Me: “We don’t do that sort of work, sir. We can’t help you.”

Caller: “I’ll tell everyone about you! I’ll tell your boss you’re not helping me! You’re supposed to help me! It’s in the Hippocratic Oath!”

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.” *hang up*

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 32

| CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

Me: “[Client], your bankruptcy has been discharged. Please come by the office to pick up the final paperwork.”

Client: “So all my debt is gone?”

Me: “Correct, sir.”

Client: “So, how long before I can get more credit cards?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 30
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 29
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 28
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 27
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 26
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 25

His Assumption Is Not On The Money

| West Allis, WI, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Money

(I’m a legal secretary at a law firm, and I answer a call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Law Firm]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. You guys handle bankruptcies, right?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “Oh good. So, I think I need to file bankruptcy…”

(The caller explains his financial situation.)

Me: “Okay, I can go ahead and schedule an appointment with an attorney for a free consultation if you’d like.”

Caller: “Yes, let’s do that. I just have a question, though. What would the cost be?”

Me: “It would be [attorney’s fee] plus costs.”

Caller: “And I pay that after it’s all finished, right? I don’t pay anything up front?”

Me: “Actually, you have to pay one-third of the fee up front.”

Caller: “What! But I just explained that I have no money! That’s the whole point! Why do I have to pay up front?”

Me: “Well, because if we allowed that, then clients would just cut and run once the bankruptcy is concluded, and we end up paying the cost of the case ourselves. It’s happened too many times before. It’s just our policy now.”

Caller: *trying to sound sweet* “It’s such a shame that a few bad apples have ruined the process for everyone else.”

Me: “Yes, it really is.”

(Long pause.)

Caller: “So, can I pay after the bankruptcy is concluded?”

Me: “… No.”

Caller: “D*** it! What’s the point?!” *hangs up*

Board Of Mistrustees

| England, UK | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(I am interning at a business and working reception. A customer calls, wanting the information of a man who used to work there.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Business]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I need the contact information for [Name]. It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t give out the information of people who no longer work here.”

Customer: “But I just need his information. It’s very important.”

Me: “We are no longer affiliated with [Name] and cannot give out his information. You could try looking online.”

(This back and forth goes on for some time with me trying to explain that we can’t just give out people’s personal info.)

Customer: “Why aren’t you answering my question!? I’m reporting you to the board of trustees! What is your name?”

Me: “My Name is [My Name] and you can do that if you wish.”

(She then hangs up. As far as I know we don’t have a board of trustees and I’m a six week intern from out of the country so I’m not sure what she was hoping to accomplish…)

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