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    Customer Variant #3: The Penny Picker

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (Everyone has had this customer. They must clone them somewhere.)

    Me: “That will be $2.88.”

    (The customer puts a dollar on the counter and out of her purse pulls a snap-top coin pouch and I know I am screwed. She starts rooting in it, pulling out one coin at a time.)

    Customer: “5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

    (I void out her sale and wait on the next customer. I ring him up and give him his change.)

    Customer: “Why did you wait on him? I was first.”

    Me: “Well, he had the mystical ability to hand me 3 dollar bills for his key and you are still trying to come up with $2.88, a coin at a time.”

    Customer: “Now you made me lose count! 5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

    (I wait on several more customers.)

    Customer: “Young man…” (I am 59, btw.) “… can you tell me if this is a penny or a dime?”

    Me: “It is a dime.”

    Customer: “Oh, I want to get rid of my pennies…” *puts dime back in pouch, starts rooting in it again* “… 76, 77, 78…”

    (I continue to wait on more customers until after what seems to be an eon…)

    Customer: “Oh, I only have $2.86. I will have to give you another dollar.” *starts emptying purse on counter*

    Me: “No, no, that will be just fine… $2.86, no problem.”

    Customer: “But I am 2 cents short!”

    Me: “Trust me, not a problem.”

    Visions Of Dogs Chasing Their Own Tails

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “This electronic key does not work in my car.”

    Me: “Does it turn in the ignition?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it will not start.”

    (I put the original and copy key in my magic decoder box and they check out fine.)

    Me: “Well, let me have a look… where is your car?”

    Customer: “At home.”

    Me: “Well, you have to drive it here.”

    Customer: “But the key does not work.”

    Me: “Use your original key.”

    Customer: “That does not work either.”

    Me: “Okay, let me explain how this works. I make a copy of your key. If your key does not work, then the new key will not work either.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Let me put it like this. If you copy a paper with misspelled words the copier will not correct the spelling, because it’s a copy! What happens when you try the key?”

    Customer: “The dash says ‘Code not found’.”

    Me: “Well, then the problem is the car, not the key. It is not reading the code on the key.”

    Customer: “So make me another.”

    Me: “The problem is the car. Are you going to pay when the next one does not work?”

    Customer: “No, I’m not going to pay for a key that does not work!”

    Me: “So you want me to keep making keys for you until one works or I run out of them. But you will not pay for any of the keys that do not work even though the problem is your car, not the key.”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m just not that stupid.”

    Related:
    Mission, Impossible

    More Clueless Than Keyless

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (After being in the same little hut for 25 years we moved the keyshop to a larger, inline store 120 feet away. After moving EVERYTHING except the counters to the new location I am in the old shop getting ready to lock it up until it is torn down.)

    (A customer walks in and drops 2 keys on the counter.)

    Customer: “Make me 2 of each.”

    Me: “I am sorry, this location is closed…you have to go to the new key shop over there.”

    Customer: “I’m not walking over there. I always get my keys here. Make me two of them.”

    Me: “How?”

    Customer: “What do you mean, ‘How’?”

    Me: “Well there are no keys blanks on the wall, there are no key machines on the counter, there is no cash register. In fact there are no light fixtures in the building, the air conditioner is gone, the signs are gone from the roof and the electricity is turned off. This is building is totally empty except for you and me. So how do you expect me to make you four keys?”

    Customer: “Ah, where did you say I have to go?”

    Dude, That Must Be Some Strong Weed

    | Chicago, USA |

    (Early 1970′s. I make a key for a guy who lost car keys in the mall parking lot.)

    Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor but another key will be only 79 cents.”

    Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.”

    (A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.)

    Me: “Well I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?”

    Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.”

    (Well I can spot a trend, so I make another key anyway and hang it up in the shop.)

    (Over the next 6 months he is back a dozen times and I just copy the key hanging in the shop and charge him for the lockwork and the key. He never buys a second key.)

    (I guess the weed finally got him.)

    Mission: Impossible

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

    Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

    Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

    Me: “Open your car.”

    Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer—you can’t touch it!”

    Me: “Then how do I open it?”

    Customer: “That’s your problem.”

    Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

    Customer: “You have to open it.”

    Me: “Watch me not open it.”

    Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

    Me: “So, If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

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