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    Attack Of The O’Hooligans

    , | Foley, AL, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, are you the manager?

    Me: “Yes. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to complain about your employee in the jewelry department. She’s a hooligan!”

    Me: “Well, what did she do?”

    Customer: “Her hair is green!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just for St. Patrick’s Day.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! It’s unprofessional and rebellious! It probably means she’s in a gang!”

    Me: “Very well. I’ll talk with her.”

    (The associate and I have a good laugh over it. She comes in the next day with her ordinary brown hair. The customer happens to come in, too.)

    Customer: “Oh, your hair is brown! I’m glad I was able to help you get reformed from your rebellious ways!”

    Miles Away From The Answer, Relatively Speaking

    | Champaign, IL, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am filling out a credit application for a couple. We reach the question, ‘nearest living relative’.)

    Customer: *thinking for a few moments* “About 50 miles!”

    Wrong About The Right

    | Leicestershire, UK |

    (I’m filling out a return slip for a customer.)

    Customer: “Oh! You’re a lefty!”

    Me: “Err no, this is my right hand.”

    Customer: “But it’s on my left!”

    Me: “It’s still my right hand.”

    Solar Spaciness

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (A customer is looking at light-powered watches.)

    Me: “It needs to be charged with 8 hours of direct sunlight or lamp light before it will keep time.”

    Customer: “Does it have to be Australian sunlight, or can I take it to England and use it there?”

    Precious Gems, Precious Few Brain Cells

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’m hoping you have a particular red stone that I’m looking for…”

    Me: “Oh, garnet?”

    Customer: “No..”

    Me: “Ruby?”

    Customer: “NO! I want red! Those aren’t red!”

    Me: “Um…yes, they are.” *shows garnet ring*

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s a stone that sounds like it should be red.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I think it’s actually blue…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What blue stones do you have that sound red?”

    Me: “Um…topaz?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not that one…”

    Me: “Lapis?”

    Customer: “No…. Oh! Sapphire! It sounds like it should be red, you know?”

    Me: “…no, I’ve never thought that…”

    Customer: “Well, it should be!”

    Me: “…you know, there is a pink sapphire…”

    Customer: “Oh. Who would want that?”

    Me: “Not to worry, we don’t have any.”

    Customer: “Any sapphires?”

    Me: “No, any pink sapphires.”

    Customer: “Well, that name should belong to a red stone anyway. They should think about these things when they name them… who would I talk to about that?”

    Me: “…Adam?”

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