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    Wrong About The Right

    | Leicestershire, UK |

    (I’m filling out a return slip for a customer.)

    Customer: “Oh! You’re a lefty!”

    Me: “Err no, this is my right hand.”

    Customer: “But it’s on my left!”

    Me: “It’s still my right hand.”

    Solar Spaciness

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (A customer is looking at light-powered watches.)

    Me: “It needs to be charged with 8 hours of direct sunlight or lamp light before it will keep time.”

    Customer: “Does it have to be Australian sunlight, or can I take it to England and use it there?”

    Precious Gems, Precious Few Brain Cells

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’m hoping you have a particular red stone that I’m looking for…”

    Me: “Oh, garnet?”

    Customer: “No..”

    Me: “Ruby?”

    Customer: “NO! I want red! Those aren’t red!”

    Me: “Um…yes, they are.” *shows garnet ring*

    Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s a stone that sounds like it should be red.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I think it’s actually blue…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What blue stones do you have that sound red?”

    Me: “Um…topaz?”

    Customer: “No, it’s not that one…”

    Me: “Lapis?”

    Customer: “No…. Oh! Sapphire! It sounds like it should be red, you know?”

    Me: “…no, I’ve never thought that…”

    Customer: “Well, it should be!”

    Me: “…you know, there is a pink sapphire…”

    Customer: “Oh. Who would want that?”

    Me: “Not to worry, we don’t have any.”

    Customer: “Any sapphires?”

    Me: “No, any pink sapphires.”

    Customer: “Well, that name should belong to a red stone anyway. They should think about these things when they name them… who would I talk to about that?”

    Me: “…Adam?”

    Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

    | Puerto Rico | Top

    (I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

    Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

    Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

    Girl: “Okay!”

    (She looks though some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

    Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

    Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

    Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and…bling-bling!”

    Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

    Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

    Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

    (The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

    Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

    Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

    (The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

    Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

    Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

    Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

    Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

    Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

    Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

    Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

    For The Good Of Mankind, Please Drink More

    | Winnipeg, Canada |

    Me: “Good afternoon! Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just got off the phone with poison control!”

    Me: “Oh? ”

    Customer: “They told me to call you! Tell me; is your cleaning solution toxic?”

    Me: “You mean the stuff we use to clean fresh ear piercings?”

    Customer: “Yah, that stuff. I mean, I called poison control and they said they weren’t familiar with your product but to call you and find out what’s in it…”

    Me: “Well no sir, I don’t believe it’s toxic. There isn’t really anything in here that–”

    Customer: “–because I ingested a whole bunch of it!”

    Me: “Why?”

    Customer: “I was out of mouth wash. I needed mouth wash.”

    Me: “But it isn’t mouth wash…it’s used to clean piercings…”

    Customer: “I know, do you think I’m stupid?! That’s why I’m worried!”

    Me: “Sir, it isn’t toxic. And for the record, all the ingredients are on the bottle itself.”

    Customer: “Why would I look at the bottle? I called poison control!”

    Me: “Mhmm. It’s not going to kill you sir. Just try not to drink any more of it, please.”

    Customer: “Oh good. I’ll call poison control back and tell them that your cleaning solution isn’t a threat to public safety.”

    Me: “Please do.” *click*


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