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    She Has A Phone To Pick With You

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Top

    (I am helping a lady pick a bracelet for herself. She has kept her phone on my table.)

    Customer: “Yes, this one will do nicely.”

    Me: “Great! So you will be buying this one?”

    Customer: “Yup. You have some nice collections here. Thanks for all your help.”

    (She picks up her phone, puts it in her pocket, and I proceed to check her out. Suddenly, she starts looking for something.)

    Me: “Ma’am, are you missing something?”

    Customer: “Yes, my phone! I had kept it right on this table here.”

    Me: “Oh, I think you kept that in your pocket a few minutes ago.”

    Customer: “No! I would have remembered if I did. You stole it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you are mistaken. I was with you the entire time. Why don’t you check your pocket?”

    Customer: “No way! So you can steal something else? I know you sort of people. You appear all nice outside, while you steal from paying customers like me! I will report you to the police!”

    Me: “How about I call your phone from my phone, so you can find it?”

    (We try my suggestion, and sure enough her phone rings from her pocket.)

    Customer: “Uhm… I…”

    (She goes red in the face and disappears. She returns a couple of days later with a gift card for me. She apologizes for her behavior, and for my trouble, and goes away. To that lady, if she happens to read this: we all make mistakes, but it is rare that we accept our mistakes. Thank you for doing so, and making my day!)

    How To Devalue Your Crown Jewels

    | UK | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Are you looking for something in particular, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you sell those Chlamydia beads?”

    Me: “Uh… do you mean the Chamillia beads?”

    Customer: “Yes, why, what did I call them?”

    Me: “You don’t want to know what you called them.”

    Do You Accept Reality Checks

    | MO, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (My boyfriend’s sister owns her own jewelry shop. I’m helping her with one of the city’s ladies nights and at the time, and am standing to the side of one of her displays. I am 5’11” and light-skinned.)

    Customer: “Wow, you have done so well with this shop! Have you had any help tonight?”

    Friend: “Yes, my sister and my brother’s girlfriend.”

    Customer: “I haven’t seen anyone around.”

    (I step next to her and chime in.)

    Me: “Hello, having a—”

    (The woman then grabs me and yells.)

    Customer: “Oh, god! You’re real.”

    (She then proceeds to touch my face while mumbling.)

    Customer: “She can’t be real… no… nooooooo!” *walks away*

    Mental Impurities

    | Midlands, UK | Uncategorized

    (I am talking to a customer about various options for earrings.)

    Customer: “Can I see your 25 carat gold earrings?”

    (I go and fetch the earrings from the back.)

    Customer: “These are definitely made of gold? There’s no nickel in them?”

    Me: “No, there’s no nickel. Are you allergic?”

    Customer: “No, I just don’t want to get HIV.”

    Stupidity Just A Stone’s Throw Away

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the birthstone for May.”

    Me: “Well, the birthstone for May is emerald, but we don’t carry any emeralds.”

    (The customer walks over and looks in the case. She sees a green stone.)

    Customer: “What about this green one?”

    Me: “Oh! That’s peridot. That’s the birthstone for August.”

    Customer: “Who’s August?”

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