How To Devalue Your Crown Jewels

| UK | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

Me: “Are you looking for something in particular, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, do you sell those Chlamydia beads?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean the Chamillia beads?”

Customer: “Yes, why, what did I call them?”

Me: “You don’t want to know what you called them.”

Do You Accept Reality Checks

| MO, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

(My boyfriend’s sister owns her own jewelry shop. I’m helping her with one of the city’s ladies nights and at the time, and am standing to the side of one of her displays. I am 5’11” and light-skinned.)

Customer: “Wow, you have done so well with this shop! Have you had any help tonight?”

Friend: “Yes, my sister and my brother’s girlfriend.”

Customer: “I haven’t seen anyone around.”

(I step next to her and chime in.)

Me: “Hello, having a—”

(The woman then grabs me and yells.)

Customer: “Oh, god! You’re real.”

(She then proceeds to touch my face while mumbling.)

Customer: “She can’t be real… no… nooooooo!” *walks away*

Mental Impurities

| Midlands, UK | Uncategorized

(I am talking to a customer about various options for earrings.)

Customer: “Can I see your 25 carat gold earrings?”

(I go and fetch the earrings from the back.)

Customer: “These are definitely made of gold? There’s no nickel in them?”

Me: “No, there’s no nickel. Are you allergic?”

Customer: “No, I just don’t want to get HIV.”

Stupidity Just A Stone’s Throw Away

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the birthstone for May.”

Me: “Well, the birthstone for May is emerald, but we don’t carry any emeralds.”

(The customer walks over and looks in the case. She sees a green stone.)

Customer: “What about this green one?”

Me: “Oh! That’s peridot. That’s the birthstone for August.”

Customer: “Who’s August?”

Overly Positive

| New Zealand | Uncategorized

(A customer approaches the counter with a huge smile on his face.)

Me: “Good morning, sir! How can I help today?”

Customer: “I need to find a ring for my girlfriend.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Is this a ring for a special occasion?”

Customer: “Yes! We just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant, and I want to give her a ring to celebrate.”

Me: “Congratulations! How far along is she?”

Customer: “Only a few days. See, look. The test was positive!”

(The customer pulls out the used pregnancy test, which indicates a positive result. He tries to wave it in my face.)

Customer: “Do you want to see?”

Me: “I really don’t need to see. I believe you.”

Page 2/41234