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    Mental Impurities

    | Midlands, UK |

    (I am talking to a customer about various options for earrings.)

    Customer: “Can I see your 25 carat gold earrings?”

    (I go and fetch the earrings from the back.)

    Customer: “These are definitely made of gold? There’s no nickel in them?”

    Me: “No, there’s no nickel. Are you allergic?”

    Customer: “No, I just don’t want to get HIV.”

    Stupidity Just A Stone’s Throw Away

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for the birthstone for May.”

    Me: “Well, the birthstone for May is emerald, but we don’t carry any emeralds.”

    (The customer walks over and looks in the case. She sees a green stone.)

    Customer: “What about this green one?”

    Me: “Oh! That’s peridot. That’s the birthstone for August.”

    Customer: “Who’s August?”

    Overly Positive

    | New Zealand |

    (A customer approaches the counter with a huge smile on his face.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir! How can I help today?”

    Customer: “I need to find a ring for my girlfriend.”

    Me: “I can help you with that. Is this a ring for a special occasion?”

    Customer: “Yes! We just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant, and I want to give her a ring to celebrate.”

    Me: “Congratulations! How far along is she?”

    Customer: “Only a few days. See, look. The test was positive!”

    (The customer pulls out the used pregnancy test, which indicates a positive result. He tries to wave it in my face.)

    Customer: “Do you want to see?”

    Me: “I really don’t need to see. I believe you.”

    Attack Of The O’Hooligans

    , | Foley, AL, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, are you the manager?

    Me: “Yes. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to complain about your employee in the jewelry department. She’s a hooligan!”

    Me: “Well, what did she do?”

    Customer: “Her hair is green!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just for St. Patrick’s Day.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! It’s unprofessional and rebellious! It probably means she’s in a gang!”

    Me: “Very well. I’ll talk with her.”

    (The associate and I have a good laugh over it. She comes in the next day with her ordinary brown hair. The customer happens to come in, too.)

    Customer: “Oh, your hair is brown! I’m glad I was able to help you get reformed from your rebellious ways!”

    Miles Away From The Answer, Relatively Speaking

    | Champaign, IL, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am filling out a credit application for a couple. We reach the question, ‘nearest living relative’.)

    Customer: *thinking for a few moments* “About 50 miles!”


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