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    An Unhappy Meal

    | NV, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The majority of my calls tend to come from the technologically deficient users attempting to access our online banking site.)

    Caller: “I can’t get into your website. Are you having problems?”

    Me: *verifies website is working normally* “No, ma’am, our website appears to be working just fine. There might be an issue with your computer. What web browser are you using?”

    Caller: “McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Pardon me, but did you say McDonald’s?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Are you using the Internet at McDonald’s?”

    Caller: “Of course, that is what I just told you.”

    Me: “Okay, but I need to know what program you are using to get onto our website.”

    Caller: “I already told you. I’m using McDonald’s.”

    Me: “I understand you are using their Internet access, but I need to know what program you are using. Could it be Internet Explorer, Firefox, Google Chrome, or Opera?”

    Caller: *in a rather desperate tone* “I already told you. I’m using McDonald’s.”

    Me: “I understand. What does the icon that you clicked on look like? Is it a blue ‘E’ with a gold halo?”

    Caller: “How would I know that?”

    Me: “Look on your desktop and…”

    Caller: “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m at McDonald’s?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the desktop is what you see when you turn the computer on.”

    (This conversation went on for 20 minutes before we finally figured out she was using Internet Explorer. The issue was that her Java was out of date. Way out of date. Talking her through updating Java took an additional 15 minutes. After the conversation, I walked into my boss’s office and informed him that I qualified for hazard pay.)

    Missed Out On The iFad

    | UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “[Support], how can I help?”

    Customer: “My iPad won’t connect to the wifi in the hotel!”

    Me: “Okay, any error messages?”

    Customer: “Nope.”

    Me: “Okay, I need your MAC address to see if you’re associated with our network. Go to settings/general/wifi address.”

    Customer: “I don’t have general.”

    Me: “Okay, you should have. Settings/general. Fourth option down?”

    Customer: “No, not there.”

    Me: “What have you got?”

    Customer: “Settings/more networks.”

    Me: “You sure it’s an iPad?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s got Samsung on the back!”

    Time To Take A Screenshot In The Dark

    | Europe | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Our tech support department has just sent out an email with instructions on how to configure something, complete with screenshots. I overhear the colleague next to me receiving a support call.)

    Colleague: “Hello, this is tech support. How can I help you?”

    Colleague: “Yes, you have to follow these instructions.”

    Colleague: “You see that dialog box?”

    Colleague: “Great, click the okay button!”

    Colleague: “What do you mean, nothing happens?”

    Colleague: “You should really see that other screen after clicking okay on that dialog box!”

    Colleague: “You do see the dialog box, right?”

    Colleague: “Good, and you do click okay on it, right?”

    (After about 15 minutes of trying to figure it out, I see my colleague doing a double face-palm and trying hard not to laugh.)

    Colleague: “Okay, so it works now?”

    Colleague: “Great, thank you for calling! Have a nice day!”

    Me: “So what was the problem?”

    Colleague: “You’ll never guess… the person was clicking the screenshot!”

    Urgently Divergent

    | Canada | Crazy Requests, Technology

    Client: “Hi, I just submitted a new ticket. It’s very urgent so please make it your top priority.”

    Me: “I’ve got about six tickets from you, and most of them are marked urgent. Which one do you want me to work on first?”

    Client: “All of them.”

    Wanted A Quick And Dirty Fix

    | VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (Our company provides onsite tech support for companies not large enough to have their own full time staff. We offer a discount for our customers who bring their machines to our office and are willing to forgo same day service. Our receptionist is an obviously young but very pretty local teenager with red hair. I am the only female tech on staff and blond. A middle aged male customer has brought his computer back for the third time in just over a month. Each time he has dropped off the machine he has insisted that the female tech work on it. Sometimes our customers have favorite staff but I’ve never met this gentlemen. My coworker waves me over as I walk in the door.)

    Coworker: “This is Mr.J. He is still having problems viewing images on his system. I see you’ve done several scans and were unable to reproduce the problem.”

    Me: “Yes, I was able to remove malware and several toolbars but could not find a problem with opening image files or video. When the system returned I recommended a security package and ran diagnostics on the hardware.”

    (The customer has gone very red in the face.)

    Customer: “I wanted the other girl to fix my computer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m currently the only female on staff but if you’re not satisfied with my work we can have our lead technician go back over the machine at no charge to you.”

    (The man is looking increasingly angry and upset to the point where my coworker is directing nervous glances to the back room.)

    Customer: “The redhead! The one that answers the phone on the lobby.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but she is a high-school student not a technician. As I said I can have coworker look at this for you instead.”

    (The man SLAMMED his hands down on the counter and then grabbed his tower, pulling all of our cables out of their positions and nearly sending our monitor onto the floor. After a mad scramble to unhook everything he stormed out, raging about how we had ruined everything. I looked back at my notes and every file he reported as not opening correctly was porn.)

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