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    Urgently Divergent

    | Canada | Crazy Requests, Technology

    Client: “Hi, I just submitted a new ticket. It’s very urgent so please make it your top priority.”

    Me: “I’ve got about six tickets from you, and most of them are marked urgent. Which one do you want me to work on first?”

    Client: “All of them.”

    Wanted A Quick And Dirty Fix

    | VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (Our company provides onsite tech support for companies not large enough to have their own full time staff. We offer a discount for our customers who bring their machines to our office and are willing to forgo same day service. Our receptionist is an obviously young but very pretty local teenager with red hair. I am the only female tech on staff and blond. A middle aged male customer has brought his computer back for the third time in just over a month. Each time he has dropped off the machine he has insisted that the female tech work on it. Sometimes our customers have favorite staff but I’ve never met this gentlemen. My coworker waves me over as I walk in the door.)

    Coworker: “This is Mr.J. He is still having problems viewing images on his system. I see you’ve done several scans and were unable to reproduce the problem.”

    Me: “Yes, I was able to remove malware and several toolbars but could not find a problem with opening image files or video. When the system returned I recommended a security package and ran diagnostics on the hardware.”

    (The customer has gone very red in the face.)

    Customer: “I wanted the other girl to fix my computer.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m currently the only female on staff but if you’re not satisfied with my work we can have our lead technician go back over the machine at no charge to you.”

    (The man is looking increasingly angry and upset to the point where my coworker is directing nervous glances to the back room.)

    Customer: “The redhead! The one that answers the phone on the lobby.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but she is a high-school student not a technician. As I said I can have coworker look at this for you instead.”

    (The man SLAMMED his hands down on the counter and then grabbed his tower, pulling all of our cables out of their positions and nearly sending our monitor onto the floor. After a mad scramble to unhook everything he stormed out, raging about how we had ruined everything. I looked back at my notes and every file he reported as not opening correctly was porn.)

    We Apologize For The Convenience

    , | ON, Canada | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

    (It is Thanksgiving Day. I am calling a customer who left a message that he wants to ‘complain.’)

    Customer: “I pay for a 24/7, 365-day contract and you’re closed just because it’s a holiday.”

    Me: “Actually, we’re not closed. In fact, you and I are talking on the phone, right now.”

    Customer: “I think I should get a credit or something free because you’re not open.”

    Me: “Except that we ARE OPEN.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve wasted my time calling if you’re open because you’re supposed to be closed. How are you going to compensate me?”

    Me: “Just to make sure I understand: You’re calling on a day that you think we’re closed, in order to complain that we’re closed in an attempt to get something for free, but when you realized that we’re open, the exact thing you wanted, you’d like to complain and get something for free because you wasted your time calling to complain about something that didn’t happen?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “Was there a technical problem that you needed help with in the first place?”

    Customer: “No! I only called to complain.”

    Me: *bangs head on desk*

    Customer: “Well, I think I at least deserve an apology!”

    Me: “I’m, uh… very sorry that we could not inconvenience you today.”

    The ‘M’ Is Not For Monogamy

    | USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    Customer: “I can’t remember my password. Help?”

    (I verify his identity.)

    Me: “Your hint is ‘wife’s name.’”

    Customer: “Crap, which one?”

    Me: “It… starts with an ‘m?’”

    Customer: “Oh, that one. Thanks!”

    Your Solution Is The Bomb

    | SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Coworker: “Thank you for calling technical support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I think my tablet is about to explode!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, did you just say explode?”

    Customer: “Yes! I think there’s a bomb in it! I was watching a video, and all of a sudden the video stopped and it started making this awful noise! It was a bomb, I’m sure of it! I threw it out in the front yard and I’ve already called the police to send the bomb squad!”

    Coworker: *unable to hide the fact that he’s now laughing* “You… you called the bomb squad?!”

    Customer: “Yes! I wasn’t sure if I should throw it outside or into the toilet!”

    Coworker: “No! You don’t want to throw it into the toilet! Is the tablet still in the yard?”

    Customer: “Of course! The bomb squad hasn’t come yet!”

    Coworker: “Can you go outside and grab the tablet for me? I promise it won’t blow up. It’s just frozen. We can fix it.”

    Customer: “I don’t know… Okay, I guess. If you’re sure.”

    (There is the sound of a frozen tablet glitching on a video gets loud as she goes outside.)

    Customer: “See! You can hear it! It’s going to explode!”

    Coworker: *struggling not to laugh directly at the customer* “No, ma’am, I assure you it’s not. Go ahead and pick it up and press the power button for me, then hold it down.”

    Customer:  ”It turned off! The screen is off! It’s going to blow!”

    Coworker: “No, ma’am, we just turned it off. Go ahead and turn it back on for me again?”

    Customer: “Oh… now it’s working. Thanks!” *click*

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