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    Very Wrong About Being Right

    | IA, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (An irate caller is complaining about a billing problem that has been previously resolved by our billing specialists. He has received $50 in credits, but they will not apply until the next invoice is printed. At this time, we cannot edit already-printed invoices. The customer has been made aware of this twice per my co-workers’ notes. He does not want to wait.)

    Me: “Sir, you have been given the credits, but as you have been advised—”

    Caller: “I don’t care what I was told! Not by you, or your workers, or your managers or whoever! You are going to apply the f****** credits! The customer is always right!”

    b>Me: “I understand that you’re upset about our crediting system, but please refrain from using profanity.”

    Caller: “F*** you! The customer is always right!”

    Me: “If you continue to use profanity, I will have to end the call.” Caller: “The customer is always right!”

    Me: “Sir, we have no way—”

    Caller: “I AM THE CUSTOMER. AM. I. RIGHT?”

    Me: “No.”

    (There is a significant pause.)

    Caller: “I want your supervisor.”

    Me: “I can do that for you, but they will tell you the same thing.”

    Caller: “I want your supervisor!”

    (I get one of my supervisors, and transfer the customer over. The caller screams “THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!” at him for 15 minutes, and then hangs up.)

    Darn-Fangled Dangle

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Funny Names, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Welcome to [name of ISP] support. This is [my name]; how can I help?”

    Customer: “I have a new dangler!”

    Me: *stifling a laugh* “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear you. Could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I. HAVE. A. DANGLER!”

    Me: “I see, and what help might I offer you today?”

    Customer: “My dangler isn’t working! Fix my dangler!”

    (I realize she is talking about a mobile broadband ‘dongle’. I run through some basic troubleshooting, and fix the problem.)

    Customer: “Thank you for your help! I do hate danglers, they never work the way you want them to!”

    Needs To Learn Copy-Right And Wrong

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (We get reports from various companies for copyright infringement. When we do, the customer gets a note on their account. We call them, letting them know they’ve been caught and request that they stop. I had called this customer a week before and they informed me that they had an unprotected wireless point that they would secure. They have another notification, so I call them back.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [company name] again. We spoke last week.”

    Customer: “I remember; we’ve replaced the router and added a password to our wifi as of last weekend. It should be fixed.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we got another infringement notice yesterday.”

    Customer: “How is that possible?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; maybe you’re downloading something you don’t—”

    Customer: “We don’t download anything here!”

    Me: “I understand sir, but maybe we should check out the notice and see what is being downloaded?”

    Customer: “Okay, sure. But I’m telling you, I’m not downloading anything illegal.”

    Me: *pulls up the notice* “Umm… sir. It says here the content in question is rather… adult in nature.”

    Customer: “What?”

    (I read off the long, clearly niche pornographic title. I earn some looks from my co-workers.)

    Customer: “I am a good Christian father! I would never risk my marriage or my faith for pornography, especially not that perverted stuff. I can’t believe you’d accuse me of being a freak like that!”

    Me: “Sir, you said ‘father’. You wouldn’t by chance happen to have a son, would you?”

    Customer: “…yes.”

    Me: “He… wouldn’t by chance happen to have his own computer in his room, would he?”

    Customer: “Not anymore, thank you.”

    (Bodily) Equipment Malfunctions

    | New Zealand | Technology

    (The modems we supply customers with have a light that has “PPP” written next to it. Customers often call up when their internet is down and tell us that their PPP light is off.)

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [ISP]. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: *distressed* “My PP is not working!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “Something is wrong with my PP!”

    From Boob Tube To Boob Tubes

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (In 1994, I worked at one of the first ISPs in the world. Customers have heard a lot about the internet, but in the days before Google, they sometimes had a hard time finding exactly what they wanted.)

    Female coworker: “Hey, I have a guy on line 1 who is asking to talk to a male.”

    Me: “What? That’s insane. What does he want?”

    Female coworker: “I have no idea, but he’s really insistent on talking to a guy.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take it.” *picks up phone* “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I…uh…have a question and, um…I wanted to talk to another guy about it, if ya know…”

    Me: “What is your question, sir?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m on the Internet and I’m looking for something. I can’t find it.”

    Me: “I understand. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Uh…well…where the h*** are the boobies?”

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