I used to be a manager in billing. A caller was screaming at one of my agents to the point that she was crying. The conversation went like this before they got to me.

Caller: “My services went out for half an hour, and I demand a credit!”

Agent: “Yes, ma’am, I can offer $25 as a courtesy credit.”

Caller: “Are you joking? That’s nowhere near enough to compensate me for my inconvenience! I know they hire idiots at your company, but you have to be the lowest of the low to think of even offering a figure that low! Put me through to your manager as it’s obvious I am just going to be wasting my time with you!”

She put the caller through to her supervisor.

Supervisor: “My agent was correct and following procedure by offering a $25 courtesy credit, ma’am. Since you have expressed that this outage has severely inconvenienced you, I can offer you $50.”

Caller: “You idiots aren’t getting it, are you?! I have been severely inconvenienced, and you think a measly $50 is going to cut it? Your company makes billions! Put me through to the manager; this is a waste of my time!”

The call got to me and irritated me to the point that I was grinding my teeth.

Me: “Well, ma’am, I have listened to the gist of the calls, and all I have heard is you hurling abuse at my agents for following correct and proper procedure. Therefore, I will not be offering the $50 that you should have taken from the supervisor, and I will not even be allowing the original $25 that was offered by my agent.”

Caller: “No! You have to give me the $50! You agreed!”

Me: “And you rejected it, so that offer is gone. But I am a fair man, and I am aware that your service was genuinely out for half an hour. At your current bill, that comes to four cents prorated, but I’ll make it eight cents and round it up to an hour since I’m a nice guy. You’ll see that credited in your next bill. Is there anything else I can help you with, ma’am?”

Caller: “You f******—”

Me: “Thank you for calling, and have a great day!” *Click*

This story reminded me of what happened the last time I had to update my phone contract.

I got a notice that my discounted rate would end soon. Since I was heading over to a store to buy an unrelated item, I decided to ask about a new rate while I was at it. Apparently, the very best they could offer me at [ISP] was about one and a half times the rate I had now.

I told my significant other about it, and they told me that they had recently updated their plans with a rate that was about the same as my discounted one, with the same services, at a kiosk in a mall nearby.

“Great! This will be easy,” I thought, and headed over to the mall to find the kiosk.

At the kiosk, it was explained to me that yes, they could offer the rate my SO had told me about — but only for new customers. Since I was an old customer, no good rates for me.

So, I walked over to the kiosk of [Rival ISP] and asked for their best rate if I switched over. I got something a bit higher than the rate for new customers at my current ISP. I signed the papers right there and went home.

A couple of days later, as expected, my still-current ISP called me. They noticed I was switching ISPs and wanted to offer me a good deal if I stayed. Somehow, that deal was the exact same one offered to new customers at the kiosk.

I ended up accepting that deal. It was a pretty good deal, but holy crap do the ISPs make you jump through hoops to get those deals. I’ve been a customer of the same ISP for over twenty years now, and the only thanks I get is having to jump through the same hoops every two years.

I swear, the day one ISP implements discounts for staying over two years, I’m switching over.

Related:
Welcome To The Call Center Centrifuge, Part 3

I work for a broadband Internet provider at the call center.

Customer: “My Internet is not working!” 

After some troubleshooting:

Me: “It seems your Internet is just fine, but you are having some issues with your iPhone. Since you just purchased it, I know there can be a bit of a learning curve, so—” 

Customer: “Well, fix my phone, then!”

Me: “There’s nothing wrong with your phone. You just need to learn how to connect to different Wi-Fi as you go around, and—” 

Customer: “No! What am I paying you for when you won’t fix my phone?! I’ve spent over £700 on this!” 

Me: “Well, perhaps you should have learned how to use it before spending such a large amount of money.”

Customer: “You can’t talk to me like that! You need to fix my Internet!”

Me: “I work for your broadband Internet provider. We have no more dominion or responsibility for your devices than your water supplier has over the glasses you drink from.”

Customer: “That’s it! Get me your manager!”

I send them up to the manager, but I listen in.

Customer: “Your staff shouldn’t be allowed to talk to me that way! You need to fix my phone and have that agent I spoke to before disciplined or retrained or something!”

Manager: “I’m afraid he was correct; we can’t do anything about your phone, just your Internet.”

Customer: “Then I will get you both in trouble for being lazy! You’re the manager; you should be able to do something!” 

Manager: “Yes, I can! Since I am the manager, I allow my staff to tone-match their callers. Have a nice day, and please do call back if your Internet stops working. In the meantime, try the Apple Store for your phone issues. Have a nice day!” *Click* 

Related:
Let’s Just Inter-Not?

I receive the dreaded email from my ISP telling me my eighteen-month contract is over, and next month, my bill will go from £20 to £51! Yup, more than 150% increase. The comparison sites show that there are plenty of providers (including my current one) that offer new customers a similar package from around £27. 

Obviously, it is time to change ISPs, but first, I have to cancel this one. I log into my account, but there are only options to increase your package, not downgrade or cancel it. I look back at the email, and they only offer a phone number. This is where the fun starts.

I call the number, select “cancel my service” from the menu, and go through security questions with the bot. The voice then tells me that wait times are very long and asks if I would like to switch to SMS, instead. I decide that’s better than a phone call!

SMS chat begins, again with a series of questions with a bot. Then, it tells me that SMS service isn’t available, and I must switch to WhatsApp

WhatsApp conversation begins with a bot, as above, and this time after the questions, it tells me that web chat is three times faster. Would I like to switch to that? Sure, I guess. It sends me a link to some third-party website that is generic, so why wasn’t it on the email?

The web chat bot repeats the same security questions and then tells me the wait is currently about fifteen minutes. Great, I was planning to be at home for the next hour. Forty-five minutes later, nothing. I type something, and the bot responds asking me if I want to keep waiting. I say no, expecting it to offer me something to pick up the chat later, but it just ends abruptly.

I go back to WhatsApp, thinking that even if it’s slower than the web chat, I can just reply at my leisure. But WhatsApp is bot-only. The offer of a human agent was a lie. Each discussion is quickly terminated with a link to the useless web chat.

Finally, I put on my Bluetooth headset and call the original number again, resigning myself to an afternoon doing the housework while listening to hold music.

But here is the twist!

The phone is answered within a couple of minutes. After going through the security stuff — again! — he asks me what the issue is.

Me: “I don’t want to pay £51.”

After a few seconds of tapping, he says:

Employee: “I can get that down to £17 a month.”

I was gobsmacked. That was a third of what they had tried to charge me, half of what I was prepared to accept, £10 less than any price I had found, and £3 less than I was paying already! I was so happy, I thanked him multiple times and gave him five stars in the feedback.

I guess it makes sense. I’m a low-friction customer; this is the only time I have contacted them, and though I have quite fast Internet, I am not taking advantage of it most of the time. 

I wrote this to share the Rube Goldberg-like device they use to stop you cancelling, but now my story has a kicker! I just logged into my account, and there, staring at me was my next bill: £51! I checked the contract and it was all good, but then why was I being charged £51?

Honestly, the next call would require a separate post longer than this one (which I may write), so I will just say that my account is currently £33 in credit, and I am quite curious to see what they do next month!

Related:
Welcome To The Call Center Centrifuge, Part 2
Welcome To The Call Center Centrifuge

Back in the days of dial-up internet, I get this call.

Caller: “My Internet ain’t working!”

I check, and he’s getting every dial-up connection error imaginable. There are even a couple of errors that I (a tier-three call center representative taking overflow calls) haven’t even dealt with before.

In our job, we’re trained to ask about noises in the background. As we are checking that the cable is, in fact, plugged into the phone jack, I hear an engine in the background.

Me: “Is someone mowing the lawn nearby?”

Caller: “No, that’s my generator. A tornado came through last night and tore off the back half of my house. I wanna email my folks and let ‘em know I’m okay.”

I mute. I sigh. I unmute.

Me: “Sir, you’re calling on your cell phone, right?”

Caller: “Ayuh.”

Me: “Forgive me for asking, but why don’t you just call them?”

Caller: “Well, gosh, I hadn’t thought of that! You technical guys are smart! Bye!”