(I work at an all-night internet cafe. We get a few customers come in late at night to watch adult movies. One night, I get a phone call along these lines.)

Caller: “Hi, do you have webcams I can use?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “What about tissues?”

Me: “Sorry, what was that?”

Caller: *muffled laughter* “Tissues. Do you guys have tissues?”

Me: *catching on* “Yes, sir…but you have to bring your own Vaseline.”

(I’ve set up an elderly customer up with a paid public computer to use.)

Customer: “How do I get to my email?”

Me: “Who is your account with?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Who?”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “The email account doesn’t come with the computer?”

Customer: “So it says ‘message sent’…does that mean it’s been sent?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Oh okay. So they should receive that, then?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Okay. And I mean, if they received it, will they get back to me right away?”

Me: “Well, it depends how long it takes them.”

Customer: “Oh. So how do I know if it’s sent?”

Me: “It says ‘message sent’ on the screen.”

Customer: “Oh okay. So when should I expect a reply?”

Me: “…”

(Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time this routine has been carried out, with the same person.)