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    Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

    , | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

    Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

    Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

    Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

    Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

    Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

    Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

    Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

    Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

    Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now…”

    Life Before Google Street Views

    | Beverly, MA, USA |

    (I work in an insurance agency in the middle of a downtown shopping district. A customer called and asked to be transferred to the agent with the desk by the window.)

    Me: “Hi, this is ***** speaking. Can I get your last name, please?”

    Customer: “It’s Clark, but what do you need that for?”

    Me: “Well, each agent deals with a different segment of the alphabet, so clients with last names beginning with A-H go to Joan. I will need to transfer you.”

    Customer: “Does Joan have a desk by the window?”

    Me: “Uh… no, ma’am, but she will have all of your files.¬†If you can hold for a moment, I will transfer you.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to talk to Joan. I want to talk to you. You are the one who sits near the window, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, but as I said–”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t want to talk to anyone but you!¬†Joan doesn’t sit near the window, so she can’t help me. I need to talk to someone who has view of the street.”

    Me: “Um, okay–”

    Customer: “Now if you are done, would you please tell me what the name of the curtain shop across the street from you is called?”

    Me: “Huh? Uh, Country Curtains.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” *hangs up*

    Me: “…”

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    , | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    Woman on phone: “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

    Woman: “What’s that?”

    Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

    Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

    Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

    Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

    Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

    Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

    Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

    Me: “Right.”

    Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    , | Southern Illinois, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is *****.”

    Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

    Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

    Doctor: “What if she was DYING and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

    Doctor: “Well, yes–I mean–just make sure they call me today.” *click*

    If Exes Ruled The World

    , | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to cancel my ex-husband’s policy.”

    Me: “Are you on the policy with him?”

    Customer: “No, but his new girlfriend is. That’s why I’d like it canceled.”

    Me: “You can’t cancel a policy that isn’t yours.”

    Customer: “Why not?! It used to be my policy!”

    Me: “Well, because you no longer have authorization to make such a change.”

    Customer: “Well, he didn’t have authorization to bring that ***** into my house, but he did it anyways. I’m pretty sure you can cancel his policy.”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure you need to see a therapist. Thanks for calling.”

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