Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like some banana ice cream.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(She pays and leaves. A moment later, she storms in, literally pushing people out of the way.)

Customer: “This is not what I ordered!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I’ll be happy to change that for you.”

Customer: “You better!”

Me: “So, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Banana ice cream.”

Me: “Banana? That’s what I served you earlier. Is that not banana?”

Customer: “No. I said banana!”

Me: “Yes, banana.”

Customer:: “You taste it! It’s not banana! I said banana!

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be happy to give you a new bowl. Perhaps, since we mix our own ice cream, the banana taste wasn’t mixed all the way through.”

Customer: “Listen, I said banana, not banana!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “BANANA BANANA BANANA!”

Me: “Banana?”

(Suddenly, her B’s turn into V’s…)

Customer: “Vanana!”

Me: “Oh my God. Vanilla?”

Customer: “Yes you dumb, b****! VANANA!”

(Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”  

(The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Customer: “Oh my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

Customer: “Oh my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

Me, to coworker: “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

Coworker: “You should put that on notalwaysright.”

Me: “I think I will.”

(She never did call our manager.)

Me: “Hi welcome to [ice cream shop], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to order that new Thin Mint Blizzard.”

Me: “Alright, what size?”

Customer: “Small.”

Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “I don’t want it green.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “It’s green in this picture! I want it white! Whatever you put in there to make it green, I don’t want it.”

Me: “That would be our mint topping.”

Customer: “Mint? Ewww! No.”

Me: “So that’s one Thin MINT Cookie Blizzard with no MINT topping?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, look at all this yummy gelato!”

Me: “Yes ma’am, the front row is gelato and the back row is ice cream.”

Customer: “Okay, I want butter pecan.”

(Butter pecan is in the back row, so it’s an ice cream. I scoop it for her.)

Customer: “Well, this is just delicious. Do you have any regular ice cream and not gelato?”

Me: “Yes ma’am. Like I said before, the back row is ice cream.”

Customer: *stops eating suddenly* “What? But I wanted gelato!”

Me: “Ma’am, I told you which ones were the gelatos. I can get you something else.”

Customer: “But, but, but I wanted gelato!”

Customer’s husband: “Quit your b****in’, I’ll eat it at home.”

Related:
Catastrophe Averted

(A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”

Me: “Yes. ”

Customer: “That comes with whip cream, right?”

Me: “Yes it does.”

Customer: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though, they’re fattening.”

Me: “…”

Related:
Phrase Of The Day: Obesity Epidemic

(At the shop, all the flavors of gelato are plainly labeled. This particular question happened almost daily…)

Customer: “What does the Rose taste like?”

Me: “Roses.”

Customer: “No way! Let me try!”

(I hand the customer a sampler of rose-flavored gelato.)

Customer: “It tastes like lotion!”

Me: “How often do you eat lotion?!”

(I used to work at a popular ice cream store, where they mix your ice cream. We got really busy during the weekends, with lines out the door. This happened as I was going down the line asking customers for their order.)

Me: “Hello, what would you like today?”

Customer: “Are you high?”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Customer: “Your eyes are REALLY red. That’s okay, I’m cool with it…I am sure it makes this job more fun.” *grins*

Me: “Um, I’m not high. I have contacts and they make my eyes really red.”

Customer: “Oh, gotcha.” *winks*

(At this point, I am hoping I dont lose my job for something this stupid.)

Me: “So what can I get you?”

Customer: “Nothing, I am just looking.”

Lady next to customer: “I know you are not high dear, don’t panic.” *gives me a tip*

Customer: “What’s the difference between low-fat and non-fat yogurt?”

Me: “Well, the low-fat has only a small amount of fat whereas the non-fat has none at all.”

Customer: “What’s fat?”

Me: “…”

Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
Customer: “What’s the difference?”

——–

Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

——–

Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”

——–

Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”

——–

Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”

——–

Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”

——–

Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”

——–

Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”

——–

Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”

——–

Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”

——–

Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
Me: “Yes…”
Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘
*click*

(I was a customer observing this in line, not the employee.)

Woman Customer: “I’d like a hot fudge sundae.”

(The worker makes a hot fudge sundae and presents it to customer.)

Customer: *eats spoonful of sundae* “The ice cream is melting.” *eats another spoonful*

Worker: “I’m sorry. It’s probably because there’s HOT fudge on top of it.”

Customer: *spoonful* “The ice cream is too soft. *spoonful* I can’t eat this.” *spoonful*

Worker: “I could try to remake it for you, or get you something else.”

Customer, still chowing down: “This is just awful.”

(The customer takes another spoonful–by this time about half the sundae is gone.)

Customer: “How do you expect people to eat this *spoonful* when the ice cream is so soft? *spoonful* The ice cream should be hard!” *spoonful*

Worker: “Would you like something else?”

Customer: *spoonful spoonful spoonful* Don’t bother. Just throw it away. *spoonful*

(The customer hands what little is left to the worker and stomps away indignantly, still complaining.)

My wife, not very quietly: “What a b***h!

Worker: *smiles at my wife*