(I used to work at a popular ice cream store, where they mix your ice cream. We got really busy during the weekends, with lines out the door. This happened as I was going down the line asking customers for their order.)

Me: “Hello, what would you like today?”

Customer: “Are you high?”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Customer: “Your eyes are REALLY red. That’s okay, I’m cool with it…I am sure it makes this job more fun.” *grins*

Me: “Um, I’m not high. I have contacts and they make my eyes really red.”

Customer: “Oh, gotcha.” *winks*

(At this point, I am hoping I dont lose my job for something this stupid.)

Me: “So what can I get you?”

Customer: “Nothing, I am just looking.”

Lady next to customer: “I know you are not high dear, don’t panic.” *gives me a tip*

Customer: “What’s the difference between low-fat and non-fat yogurt?”

Me: “Well, the low-fat has only a small amount of fat whereas the non-fat has none at all.”

Customer: “What’s fat?”

Me: “…”

Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
Customer: “What’s the difference?”

——–

Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

——–

Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”

——–

Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”

——–

Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”

——–

Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”

——–

Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”

——–

Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”

——–

Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”

——–

Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”

——–

Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
Me: “Yes…”
Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘
*click*

(I was a customer observing this in line, not the employee.)

Woman Customer: “I’d like a hot fudge sundae.”

(The worker makes a hot fudge sundae and presents it to customer.)

Customer: *eats spoonful of sundae* “The ice cream is melting.” *eats another spoonful*

Worker: “I’m sorry. It’s probably because there’s HOT fudge on top of it.”

Customer: *spoonful* “The ice cream is too soft. *spoonful* I can’t eat this.” *spoonful*

Worker: “I could try to remake it for you, or get you something else.”

Customer, still chowing down: “This is just awful.”

(The customer takes another spoonful–by this time about half the sundae is gone.)

Customer: “How do you expect people to eat this *spoonful* when the ice cream is so soft? *spoonful* The ice cream should be hard!” *spoonful*

Worker: “Would you like something else?”

Customer: *spoonful spoonful spoonful* Don’t bother. Just throw it away. *spoonful*

(The customer hands what little is left to the worker and stomps away indignantly, still complaining.)

My wife, not very quietly: “What a b***h!

Worker: *smiles at my wife*

Angry man: “This is ridiculous! Look how small these cones are!”

Other server: “Uh…?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Angry man: “Yeah! Each time I come in here, the cones get smaller and smaller, and the scoops are tiny!”

Me: “Sir, those are standard sized scoops. But if you’d like, I can add on a bit more ice cream.”

Angry man: “It’s not about the ice cream! It’s the fact that you are taking money from people and making everything smaller. This is ridiculous! Don’t you feel ashamed?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir…I’ll talk to my manager about that if you’d like.”

Angry man: “Yeah, well, good!”

(He tries to toss the ice cream cone in the trash, but misses. He picks the cone up off the ground and throws it away. The other server and I try to keep from laughing.)

Angry man: “You’ve just lost a customer for life!” *stalks out, red-faced*

Me and the other server: “Wow…”

(In re-enters a customer with his son who I had just served moments before.)

Another customer: “Don’t worry about that guy. He was just screaming at someone over at the next door grocery store for not having the correct amount of bananas per bunch.”

Large Woman 1: “This is not my ice cream, I ordered the butter pecan! It’s simple–just scoop ice cream!”

Large Woman 2: “This is not my ice cream either, I ordered the maple walnut! How d*** complicated is it to give people the right ice cream?”

(Glancing at both of their ice creams, I realize that the problem was their fault, because they just took each other’s ice cream.)

Me: “Yeah, complicated…”

(I walked out back and looked at them on the security camera, until they realized they were the idiots, and left.)

(We wanted to avoid common questions, so we made a massive wooden ice cream cone and put it up on the counter to display the number of scoops possible, and the price at each level. This thing was like 4 feet high, each scoops with a diameter of at least 1 foot.)

Woman: “Hi, how much is one scoop?”

Coworker: “Oh, right here…” *points to sign*

Woman: “JESUS! Those are huge! How could anyone eat that much?”

Coworker: “…”

(I ran into the back, almost in tears from laughing.)

(Hot summer day temperature in the nineties. Tons of people in line because the shop is in an amusement park and everybody wants soft ice cream, which makes the soft ice even softer as it doesn’t have time to chill properly.)

Male customer, who bought soft ice cream for his family 30 min or so earlier, comes up to the window very upset: “The soft ice cream is melting! My kids are a total mess!”

Me: “Well, it is hot outside, what are you gonna do?”

Customer: “You should put up a sign to let people know that it will melt!”

Me: “I don’t assume my customers are idiots.”

(Customer bangs the ice cream cone on the counter and storms off.)

The next customer in line looks at me and laughs: “I’ll guess I’ll just have the regular ice cream then.”

(At an ice cream shop)

Me: “Would you like any mix-ins with that?”

Older woman: “Yes, I would like almonds. But not too many, because I’m allergic, and if I have too many I will die.”

Me: …

Customer: “What kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “…you can’t be serious.”

Customer: “No, really, what kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “Pistachio.”