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    No Man-Maid Fantasies

    | Bodø, Norway | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    Me: *knocks on the door* “Housekeeping!”

    (I hear the voice of the male guest inside.)

    Guest: “Like a maid?”

    Me: “Uh… yes, I suppose.”

    Guest: “Are you wearing a maid’s outfit?”

    Me: “I can bet money that it’s not the outfit you are mentally picturing right now, sir.”

    Guest Relations Gone Bitter

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

    (Our hotel offers free coffee to any guest. One day a man walks in. It’s obvious that he’s not a guest.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get a coffee?”

    Me: “Well… I guess so. Just this once.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (He drinks it and goes away. The next day he comes in and asks again.)

    Customer: “Can I…?”

    Me: “No. I’m sorry but that is only for the guests.”

    Customer: “WHY NOT?! You said I could!”

    Me: “I meant for just that day yesterday. Not every day!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have specified!”

    Me: “I did.”

    Customer: “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to have a coffee if I want to! It’s my right!”

    (He marches over to the coffee. I call a manager and explain the situation. The manager goes to speak with him.)

    Manager: “You cannot have free coffee here. It’s for the guests only.”

    Customer: “She said I could!”

    (The man marches off. Every morning after that, he would march in without saying anything, grab his coffee, and march out. Eventually he was banned.)

    Guaranteed Room For Improvement

    | USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Wild & Unruly

    (I am checking in a guest. I do the usual: swipe his card, and make the keys.)

    Me: “Here are your keys, sir. Please sign this registration card.”

    Guest: “No problem!” *signs with a flourish and takes keys*

    (The computer beeps, and shows that his card was declined.)

    Me: “Uh, excuse me? Sir? Sir?”

    Guest: *looks over at me while walking away*

    Me: “Your card was declined. Do you have another?”

    Guest: *blank stare* “No.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid that I can’t let you have the room unless you give us another method of payment.”

    (I hold my hand out for the keys. The guest clutches them to his chest keeps walking away, faster this time.)

    Me: “Sir, please give me back the keys.”

    Guest: “No! I made a reservation… therefore… I am guaranteed a room! Guaranteed!” *runs off*

    (The guest disappeared in the elevator before I could catch him, and was in his room in a flash. He set the deadbolt and ignored all calls and knocks. Finally the authorities had to BREAK down the door to the room and he was hauled away, yelling that he was ‘guaranteed’ a room and that he would complain to corporate. He did, and was charged for the cost of a new door.)

    Weathering The Storm Of Stupidity

    | NH, USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m the night auditor at a small hotel. It’s four am, and a thunderstorm is passing through the area. The phone at the front desk rings.)

    Me: “Front desk. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “What was that loud noise that woke me up?”

    Me: “There’s a thunderstorm going through the area right now.”

    Caller: “Can you make it stop?”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I could control the weather, I would rule the world.”

    This Customer Did A One-Eighty

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m new, and I have just finished helping a guest with directions to his room. He disappears into the elevator, and after a few minutes, returns.)

    Guest: “That elevator is BROKEN!”

    Me: “Huh? What do you mean, sir?”

    Guest: “I mean, I went in there, pressed the button for my floor, and the elevator went to my floor but the DOORS didn’t OPEN!”

    Me: “Did you turn around?”

    Guest: “Turn around?!”

    Me: “Yes. The doors open behind you.”

    (The guest stares at me, and then disappears back into the elevator. He doesn’t return.)

    Coworker: “Wow. In the five years I’ve been working here, that is the first time that has happened…”

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