It’s a normal day as I’m working the Sunday afternoon shift at a hotel. Two women come to check in, no problem. They have a prepaid third-party reservation for a one-king-bed “Superior” room. I take all their information, they sign the registration card, I give them their keys, and we’re done. Have a good night. I can go back to watching “Iron Chef”.

Unfortunately, we’re not done.

Two minutes later, they’re back and very shouty.

Guest #1: “We booked a room with two queen beds, and you put us in one with one king bed!”

Here we go. I do the standard procedure of pulling up the reservation on my computer.

Me: “My computer is saying you reserved a one-king Superior room. Can I see the confirmation email you received?”

She’s got it ready and is all the happier to shove it in my face. I scroll down and, sure enough, on the second line right beneath her name is, “One king bed, Superior”.

She isn’t particularly happy about this, but it’d be kinda hard to pin it on me at this point.

Guest #1: “What do you have to do to put us in a room with two queens?”

Me: “This is a prepaid third-party reservation. I can’t change the room type on it, which is the policy direct from management.”

This is the policy because it doesn’t match what the online travel agent has in their system. I do it occasionally when we’re oversold (though I always ask before I do it, seeing as it’s a policy exception), so I don’t actually know if management is telling the truth about that.

Me: “Our king Superior rooms also have a pull-out sofabed, though.”

Guest #1: “Can I speak to someone else?”

I dunno what she thinks the words “direct from management” mean, but there’s nobody else here anyway. I tell her this.

Guest #1: “Well, I definitely didn’t book through a third party. I was on [Hotel]’s website!”

I’m a pedant who doesn’t like getting yelled at, so I tell her:

Me: “I can show you where it says it on your reservation if you don’t believe me.”

As I turn my computer monitor around to show it to her, she immediately starts dashing back toward the elevator. Okay, whatever.

Guest #1: *From the open elevator* “Guess we’re not staying here again!”

They had, of course, never stayed here before.

With that, I could finally give my attention back to watching Iron Chef Michiba f*** up a turkey. I just really do not understand why reading is so hard.

I work at a hotel. We have a pet fee, which is usually just to cover the extra cleaning time, but damage is always a concern, as well.

The worst we had was some folks who ignored the part of the form they had signed saying the pet couldn’t be left alone in the room.

The guests headed out for the day, and their dog spent half the day tearing the wallpaper off the wall around the door trying to get out and find Mom and Dad.

The guests were stuck with a bill for almost $2,000 in damages. And the form they had signed ensured that they would pay up.

Always read the fine print.

I work in a hotel. A woman calls me on the phone asking about our rooms and the suites. She sounds interested in the suite and says she will be in shortly.

A couple of hours go by, and she comes in to get the room. Immediately, I smell a big whiff of marijuana on her, in our 100% non-smoking hotel. Red flag #1. She verifies the rates again and decides to just get the regular room instead.

Once I give her the rate, she begins pulling out cash. Red flag #2.

When I ask for her ID, it is a local from a few minutes away. Red flag #3.

Her ID is also just a state ID, not a driver’s license. Red flag #4.

She then pulls out a Cash App card for the deposit. Red flag #5.

The Cash App card declines, and she says it’s because it’s a child’s cash card, and all of her cards are locked. Red flag #6.

She then asks if she goes and buys a prepaid card, can it be used as a deposit? I haven’t been told any rules against this, but I’ve also never seen any guests do it. So, I’m gonna call this red flag #7.

She then doubles back and asks if I can type in her “sister’s” card manually. I say no, I need the physical card. Red flag #7.5. I only give this half of a red flag because I technically could go through the credit card authorization form process, but I am already tired of this person and don’t want to waste my time.

I’m now sitting waiting for her to come back with her prepaid card. It really feels against the rules. It’s essentially the same as paying a cash deposit — which is against the rules — but my managers never told me no. Maybe they will after this time.

I’m also putting her on the first floor to discourage any crazy activities.

While I was writing this story, the woman came back, got her cash, and said she couldn’t get a prepaid card or something, so they’ll probably just try a different hotel. Red flag #8!

That’s eight (and a half) red flags in one check-in! Thankfully, she just left. What a possible headache.

I work in a hotel, and tonight, gentle readers, we shall discuss guests who are incapable of accepting reality, logic, or even a simple “No”. So, regular guests, y’know?

The night in question is unfolding as many such nights have — uneventful for the most part, but with just a few nuisances to deal with. A recalcitrant air conditioner was threatened back to functionality. A cash-paying guest was upset we couldn’t break a hundred. A few mistakes were made by the New Guy. He’s eager, but there isn’t a lot going on upstairs.

I am finally sitting down to my now-room-temperature chow mein noodles when in walks a gentleman. There’s nothing definite, but he’s got a vibe to him that has my attention. He has a reservation, all very standard and nothing untoward, until we get to the part of the process where I ask him for ID and a credit card.

Guest: “Oh, it’s already paid for.”

I double-check.

Me: “Hmmm… Looks like it isn’t. They would have taken your card information for the reservation, but this isn’t paid for already.”

Guest: “Well, they charged me eighty bucks.”

I triple-check, firing up the OTA (Online Travel Agency) extranet portal. Nope, NOT a prepaid reservation. The guest grumbles but provides a card.

Me: “Thank you. I’ll just need some ID.”

And here is where things start to go south.

For the sake of brevity, I shall summarize the various excuses he gave for not giving me proper identification. Please note that he circled around between these miserable excuses for excuses, offering each one at LEAST three times each.

He rummages in his wallet and then produces a different credit card. This one’s cracked and split. Notably, it’s not one of those [Warehouse Membership Store] cards with a photo on it — though we wouldn’t take one of those, either.

Guest: “It’s got my name on it, right?”

Me: “That doesn’t make it a valid ID, sir.”

Then, he tries this:

Guest: “Yeah, my wallet got stolen with all my ID and stuff in it.”

Would that be the big fat wallet you’ve been pulling your cards out of, sir?

Then, he says:

Guest: “The website at [OTA #1] said you guys don’t take ID at check-in.”

While OTAs will freely promise any and all manner of things to make a sale, that’s not one of them. Plus, while one is owned by the other, he’s very clearly booked through [OTA #2].

Me: “Well, if they said that, then they were wrong. We do require ID, please.”

Next try:

Guest: “No, see, I stay at [Our Hotel Chain] all the time because they never ask for ID.”

Me: “That is… not a brand standard. Whatever experience you may have had elsewhere, we require photo ID at check-in.”

Finally, he relents and gives me… a photo of his driver’s license on his phone.

Guest: *Smugly* “There. That’s a photo ID.”

Gentle readers, what I wouldn’t have given to have had a picture of a hotel room handy right then.

He claims that his phone ID is okay because Colorado uses virtual ID now. This is correct — sort of. They have a no-contact phone app that can store your official ID/driver’s license. However, you’re still REQUIRED to carry the physical identification, ESPECIALLY when traveling to a state that doesn’t accept it. Also, he doesn’t even have the official app, just the aforementioned photo on his phone.

Me: “Why are you driving without a valid license?”

Guest: “I’m a cop.”

I will eat. My. Hat. If he’s a cop and is trying this hard to get around a lack of ID.

His final tactic is to threaten — nay, DEMAND — to cancel if he has to show physical ID.

Me: “Oh, okay, not a problem. I can do that for you.”

Guest: “Buh?”

Me: “There we go, all done. Canceled without penalty. Have a wonderful night.”

He was a bit taken aback but realized he’d gone and messed it up. He slunk off into the night.

Ahh, but our story does not end there!

As I settled in to eat my cold and sad noodles, I noticed something on the cameras. A woman was standing in front of one of the side doors, waiting impatiently with a small terrier. Aha, they were hoping to not have to pay the pet fee, in addition to very probably using a card that wasn’t his.

The two of them met up and had a considerable discussion. They were too far away for me to hear, but if my lip-reading is accurate, she called him a “complete dumba**” at least four times.

Without other options, the lady came in (without the dog) and asked for a walk-in room. She had no problem with providing a valid card and ID. She was a little taken aback when I provided her with the Pet Agreement form, but seeing my smile, she realized that the jig was up and signed it. There we go, five minutes total, all done, sleep well.

And with that, she headed to the side door to collect her Emotional Support Dumba** and her dog, and they headed up to the room.

Thus ended a rather prolonged ordeal that, again, was very likely an attempt at using a credit card that wasn’t theirs.

I work in a hotel. I checked a family of five in on a Friday. The youngest came bounding in as the rest of the family walked in and cheerfully said hi! Children — well-behaved ones, that is — are some of my favourite guests as they are just full of energy and are fun to talk to. I grew up around young children in the family, so I have a knack for knowing the right behaviour. I enjoy hearing about their weekend plans. Our company always encourages us to talk to the little-uns, too.

As I was doing my check-in with the parents, she chimed in:

Youngest Child: “It’s my birthday tomorrow!”

Me: “How old are you going to be?”

Youngest Child: “Nine!”

Me: “Wow! That’s a big number!” *To the family* “What are your plans?”

Mum: “We’re in the area for the weekend for Uni choices and applications for my eldest.”

They didn’t mention anything about plans for the little-un — to me, anyway.

The family headed up to the room, and I decided I was going to give the little-un something for her birthday. We couldn’t do anything massive, but it’s the thought that counts. We have new children’s books that come with a toy, so I got one of them and a choccy from a vending machine, and I wrote out a little Happy Birthday note. (We’re not supposed to be giving gift stuff to guests because of the global health crisis, but I decided, “Screw it.”)

I delivered the gifts to her parents at their room and went back down to the desk. I missed them as they headed out for the afternoon but caught them on their way back in.

Mum: “[Youngest Child] was over the moon about your gifts! We’re going to read the book together tonight.”

My heart melted.

I finished my shift and wasn’t due back until Monday. When I returned, I found that the little-un had drawn a thank-you letter directed to me personally with some drawings. When I say I nearly cried from happiness, I’m not lying.