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    Trying To Run A Monkey Business

    | IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Hotels & Lodging, Money, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a hotel in a college town. It is quite common to require a two-night minimum purchase when booking a room for a special event weekend such as a football game, graduation, etc.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I was wondering if you had any rooms available for this coming Friday.”

    Me: “We do have a few rooms available; however it is a two-night minimum for both Friday and Saturday night.”

    Caller: “Okay, I have to ask you the same as the last hotel I called. What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you?”

    Me: “… Excuse me?”

    Caller: “What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you? Why would you even think that I would want a room for two nights if the football game is only one day?!”

    Me: “We require a two night minimum stay for all special event weekends, ma’am. It’s quite a common policy here.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what your policy says. It’s just stupid! You’re just insane!”

    Me: “… Okay.”

    Caller: “If your two night minimum is so common, then why did the 12 other hotels that I called that were sold-out not say anything about a two night minimum, then. Huh?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if they are sold out that means they don’t have any more rooms to sell you at their property, so the two night minimum wouldn’t really matter for them because they don’t have anything.”

    Caller: “See! You said it doesn’t matter.”

    Me: “Our minimum is still in effect for the few remaining rooms we have.”

    Caller: “You’re just a brainless monkey!”

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Caller: “No. Goodbye!” *click*

    Me: “And here I thought I was just a desk monkey.”

    No Man-Maid Fantasies

    | Bodø, Norway | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    Me: *knocks on the door* “Housekeeping!”

    (I hear the voice of the male guest inside.)

    Guest: “Like a maid?”

    Me: “Uh… yes, I suppose.”

    Guest: “Are you wearing a maid’s outfit?”

    Me: “I can bet money that it’s not the outfit you are mentally picturing right now, sir.”

    Guest Relations Gone Bitter

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

    (Our hotel offers free coffee to any guest. One day a man walks in. It’s obvious that he’s not a guest.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get a coffee?”

    Me: “Well… I guess so. Just this once.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (He drinks it and goes away. The next day he comes in and asks again.)

    Customer: “Can I…?”

    Me: “No. I’m sorry but that is only for the guests.”

    Customer: “WHY NOT?! You said I could!”

    Me: “I meant for just that day yesterday. Not every day!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have specified!”

    Me: “I did.”

    Customer: “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to have a coffee if I want to! It’s my right!”

    (He marches over to the coffee. I call a manager and explain the situation. The manager goes to speak with him.)

    Manager: “You cannot have free coffee here. It’s for the guests only.”

    Customer: “She said I could!”

    (The man marches off. Every morning after that, he would march in without saying anything, grab his coffee, and march out. Eventually he was banned.)

    Guaranteed Room For Improvement

    | USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Wild & Unruly

    (I am checking in a guest. I do the usual: swipe his card, and make the keys.)

    Me: “Here are your keys, sir. Please sign this registration card.”

    Guest: “No problem!” *signs with a flourish and takes keys*

    (The computer beeps, and shows that his card was declined.)

    Me: “Uh, excuse me? Sir? Sir?”

    Guest: *looks over at me while walking away*

    Me: “Your card was declined. Do you have another?”

    Guest: *blank stare* “No.”

    Me: “Well, I’m afraid that I can’t let you have the room unless you give us another method of payment.”

    (I hold my hand out for the keys. The guest clutches them to his chest keeps walking away, faster this time.)

    Me: “Sir, please give me back the keys.”

    Guest: “No! I made a reservation… therefore… I am guaranteed a room! Guaranteed!” *runs off*

    (The guest disappeared in the elevator before I could catch him, and was in his room in a flash. He set the deadbolt and ignored all calls and knocks. Finally the authorities had to BREAK down the door to the room and he was hauled away, yelling that he was ‘guaranteed’ a room and that he would complain to corporate. He did, and was charged for the cost of a new door.)

    Weathering The Storm Of Stupidity

    | NH, USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m the night auditor at a small hotel. It’s four am, and a thunderstorm is passing through the area. The phone at the front desk rings.)

    Me: “Front desk. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “What was that loud noise that woke me up?”

    Me: “There’s a thunderstorm going through the area right now.”

    Caller: “Can you make it stop?”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I could control the weather, I would rule the world.”

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