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    (Full) Front(al) Desk

    | Sulphur, LA, USA | Top

    Me: “Good morning sir, would you like a room for the night?”

    Husband: “Ummmmm…I dunno, let me go ask my wife.”

    (He leaves for about 10 minutes.)

    Husband: “She said yes. How much for 1 bed?”

    Me: “It’s 79 plus tax, sir, but the only single bed rooms we have right now are smoking rooms.”

    Husband: “Okay, let me go ask my wife.”

    (He’s gone for another 10 minutes or so. He comes back with his wife.)

    Wife: “Why don’t you have any non-smoking rooms?”

    Me: “We sold out of them earlier this afternoon. In fact, we only have 3 rooms left for the night.”

    Wife: “Well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in all my life! You are going to rent me a room or I’m going to have to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Okay ma’am, what kind of room would you like? ”

    Wife: “WE would like a single, NON-SMOKING ROOM!”

    Me: “I already told you and your husband that we only have smoking rooms available.”

    Wife: “I. WANT. NON. SMOKING.”

    Me: “I only have smoking rooms left. If you want, though I can give you the location of another hotel.”

    Husband: “We’re only gonna be here a few hours. Smoking is fine. I’m just sleeping.”

    (They bicker back and forth for nearly 20 minutes. Another customer comes up to the desk, and I offer to help her.)

    Wife: “You will not help anyone else until you help me!”

    (The other customer doesn’t seem to mind and stands back.)

    Wife: “Just give me the stupid smoking room.”

    Me: “I need to see your driver’s license, ma’am.”

    Wife: “WHAT? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME! I’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED FOR MY LICENSE AT ANY HOTEL BEFORE!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s standard procedure for pretty much any hotel you go to. It’s for liability reasons, and in case the room is damaged in any way.”

    Wife: “F*** YOU! YOU’RE A F***ING SPY! I WILL NOT BE KEPT UNDER SURVEILLANCE! F*** YOU AND YOUR STUPID F***ING HOTEL!”

    (The wife proceeds to throw everything she can reach at me, and tries coming over the counter at me. She then starts stripping off her clothes and running around in circles in the lobby. Thankfully the other customer calls 911 and the police arrive in moments. I gave the second lady a complimentary room.)

    Nonsensical Hypotheticals, Part 2

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    Hotel guest: “Is there a way to take the phone off the hook so that it doesn’t ring?”

    Me: “Well, you could always…take the phone off the hook, so that it doesn’t ring. But yes, I can put the phone on a do not disturb, so that you won’t get any calls.”

    Hotel guest: “I want to take a half hour nap, so I don’t want the phone to ring. But I want to be able to get calls later.”

    Me: “I understand, sir, I’ll be sure not to transfer any calls to your room for the next half hour.”

    Hotel guest: “But what if one of the people in my group wants to reach me?”

    Me: “…Would you like me to only allow calls from inside the hotel?”

    Hotel guest: “No, I want to take a nap.”

    Me: “So you want me to make sure that you don’t get any calls for the next half hour, but if anyone calls, you want them to be able to reach you?”

    Hotel guest: *confused* “Yes.”

    Me: “I understand, sir. I’ll take care of it.”

    Related:
    Nonsensical Hypotheticals

    Yes, They Really Are That Dumb

    | Valencia, CA, USA | Top

    (I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

    Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

    Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

    Me, without missing a beat: “There should be a remote control on the nighttable in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

    (At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

    Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

    Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

    Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

    Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

    Young couple, still laughing: “Are you serious?”

    Getting Your Priorities Straight

    | Medford, MA, USA |

    (A guest approaches the hotel front desk.)

    Guest: “Um, hi…it looks like there was a pretty bad accident right down the street there…”

    Me: “Oh okay, I’ll call 911.”

    Guest: “It looks like a cab and a bus.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you.” *picks up the phone*

    Guest: What are you doing?

    Me: “Calling 911.”

    Guest: “Look, a lot of people have cell phones, I’m sure it’s fine. What I’m concerned about is that I think that was my cab.”

    Me: “?”

    Guest: “SO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB OR NOT?!”

    Magical Little Computers

    | St. George, UT, USA |

    Caller: “Yes, I would like a room for tonight.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry. We are completely sold out.”

    Caller: “Really!? I can’t believe that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We truly do not have any rooms to sell.”

    Caller: “Can I be put on a waiting list?”

    Me: “No, we do not do waiting lists.”

    Caller: “Who has rooms then?”

    Me: “I would try **** and ****. They may still have rooms available.”

    Caller: “You mean you don’t know?”

    Me: “Um…no. I’m sorry I do not.”

    Caller: “Well book me a room at one of those then!”

    Me: “Yeah…there is no way for me to do that. I can give you their phone numbers though.”

    Caller: “Why can’t you just book them for me? Use your fingers at your little computer and get me a room!”

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