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    Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the *** wedding party.”

    (I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

    Me: “… And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

    Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

    Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

    Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

    Customer: “She can take elevators, it’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

    Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

    (I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

    | Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, and welcome to ***** Hotel. How was the drive up here?”

    Wife: “Oh, it was stunning! I have never seen such beautiful trees, and the water, such a pretty color in the lake!”

    Husband: “It was a very nice drive indeed.”

    Me: “Well that’s great, we pride ourselves on our natural beauty here in Canada. Can I get your names for your reservation?”

    Wife: “Yes, indeed. Here you go.”

    (She hands me her confirmation sheet.)

    Wife: “Can you tell me though, how do you get the water in Lake Louise that turquoise color?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Wife: “Well the water is so clear, but it’s green, it looks like the ocean. Do you paint the bottom that color?”

    Me: “Oh no, the water has a green color because of the copper minerals in the water. When they oxidize, that’s why it looks like the ocean.”

    Wife: “Oh, that’s crazy! Everybody knows copper is brown like a penny, not green. It’s painted, isn’t it?!”

    (I tried to explain for quite some time that we don’t dye the water, and that copper is the reason it looks blue-green.)

    Wife: “Well there is no way that its natural! ”

    Me: *getting annoyed* “Yes, we drain the lake and paint the bottom of the lake at night.”

    Wife: “See, was it so hard to tell the truth?” *walks away*

    My manager: “You know, I should fire you for that… but I think I would have done the same thing.”

    It’s Called Sarcasm

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is [name]. How may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “What time do you stop room service?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer room service.”

    Customer: “What’s up with that?”

    Me: “We don’t have a kitchen in the hotel.”

    Customer: “Well, y’all need to get one!”

    Me: “You’re right. I will start filing for permits and hiring subcontractors and have the kitchen built before you arrive.”

    Customer: “That’s great, you truly offer excellent customer service!”

    Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    (A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

    Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

    Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

    Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

    Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

    (At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

    Occasionally, Minute Men Do Come In Handy

    | Quebec City, Canada |

    (Please note that I work in a beautiful 4-star hotel.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

    Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

    Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen size bed. Is that okay for you?”

    Wife: “How much is it?”

    Me: “$127.”

    Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

    Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

    Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the 5th floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

    (22 minutes later…)

    Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

    Me: May I ask you why?

    Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

    Me: “I’m sorry madam, but I can’t give you your money back… you stayed in the room for 25 minutes.”

    Wife: “… and?!”

    Me: “Why didn’t you come back after 5 minutes?”

    Wife: “… because!”

    (We all know what they did during 25 minutes!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

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