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    You Look Nothing Like Your Ad

    | Tennessee, USA | Top

    (A family group was checking in – one lady in the group started telling me about her husband’s recent death from cancer.)

    Customer: “…and he was all eaten up with colon cancer, and he just died.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that is really not any of my business. It seems like a very private matter….”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “I’m not comfortable hearing–”

    Customer: “Are you a Christian?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I knew it! You are evil, and will burn in hell. I’ll speak to your manager in the morning!”

    Me: “Ok. That’s fine.”

    Customer: “I hope you liked your former job.”

    Me: “…”

    (The group went to their rooms. A few minutes later, one of the adult daughters came to the desk.)

    Me: “Yes, Ma’am?”

    Customer’s Daughter: “I just came down because I wanted to see what pure evil looks like.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer Of The Week: Wince Of Thieves

    | Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada | Old Comics

    Customer Of The Week: Wince Of Thieves
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story

    Thievers Can’t Be Choosers

    | Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I want to complain about these towels of yours. They’re really rough and scratchy.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir… wait a second, are you calling from outside the hotel?”

    (I double-check the incoming call info, and see that it’s coming in on our toll-free line.)

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m at home.”

    Me: “And you’re calling to complain about towels you took from the hotel?”

    Caller: “Yeah, they suck. They’re not very soft.”

    Me: “Well, I certainly apologize for that, sir. If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have Housekeeping send you some new ones.”

    (Surprisingly, he actually gave me his info; not surprisingly, he called a couple of weeks later to complain about the bill we sent him for the towels.)

    The Orlando Hillbillies

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We had gotten a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

    Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

    Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [theme park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everythin’!”

    Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

    Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone too! See?! These ain’t my towels, I know because we had used ours last night and draped `em over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

    (I look around the bathroom–it looked tidy and neat. Clean towels were hanging on the towel rack, new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

    Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

    Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! Ah know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

    Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels and give you new–”

    (The man begins shouting.)

    Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

    Me: “Its called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

    Customer: “Well I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

    Me: “… sir, it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

    Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

    Me: “Alright, sir…”

    (The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently he used the same 4 towels the whole time and split a 1 oz bottle of shampoo for 4 people over 6 days.)

    She Who Wears The Pants, Part 2

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada |

    (I’m helping a couple check out at the front desk.)

    Me: “Okay, and how would you like to settle the bill?”

    Husband: “Put it on my card you have.”

    Wife: “No, put it on my credit card.” *hands me her credit card*

    Husband: “No! put it on my credit card!”

    Wife: “Don’t worry about him, just put it on mine.”

    Husband: *grabs wife’s credit card*

    Wife: “Fine, do what you want! I’m out of here!” *storms out of the hotel*

    (The husband runs out after his wife; 10 minutes passes by and he finally returns.)

    Husband, very quietly: “Put it on her card…”

    Related:
    She Who Wears The Pants

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

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