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    I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Top

    (The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night the kid’s mother found me.)

    Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl Alice that was working last night!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I am.”

    Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I was here for that.”

    Mom: “Well, the police told me a girl named Alice told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

    Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

    Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

    Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

    Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

    Mom: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

    Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “Well, sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

    Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

    Me: “You might be a while ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

    On The Need For Male Role Models

    | California, USA |

    (While standing in line for the bathroom at a resort, I overhear two young boys talking.)

    Boy 1: “Why are the lines for the girl’s bathroom always longer? Is it because the boy’s bathroom has that special sink?”

    Boy 2: “You mean the urinal?”

    Boy 1: “Yeah. ‘Cause you can fit like five guys around it.”

    Boy 2: “Or, if they’re skinny, you can fit seven or eight.”

    Boy 1: “And if they’re FAT you can only fit two.”

    Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the *** wedding party.”

    (I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

    Me: “… And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

    Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

    Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

    Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

    Customer: “She can take elevators, it’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

    Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

    (I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

    | Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, and welcome to ***** Hotel. How was the drive up here?”

    Wife: “Oh, it was stunning! I have never seen such beautiful trees, and the water, such a pretty color in the lake!”

    Husband: “It was a very nice drive indeed.”

    Me: “Well that’s great, we pride ourselves on our natural beauty here in Canada. Can I get your names for your reservation?”

    Wife: “Yes, indeed. Here you go.”

    (She hands me her confirmation sheet.)

    Wife: “Can you tell me though, how do you get the water in Lake Louise that turquoise color?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Wife: “Well the water is so clear, but it’s green, it looks like the ocean. Do you paint the bottom that color?”

    Me: “Oh no, the water has a green color because of the copper minerals in the water. When they oxidize, that’s why it looks like the ocean.”

    Wife: “Oh, that’s crazy! Everybody knows copper is brown like a penny, not green. It’s painted, isn’t it?!”

    (I tried to explain for quite some time that we don’t dye the water, and that copper is the reason it looks blue-green.)

    Wife: “Well there is no way that its natural! ”

    Me: *getting annoyed* “Yes, we drain the lake and paint the bottom of the lake at night.”

    Wife: “See, was it so hard to tell the truth?” *walks away*

    My manager: “You know, I should fire you for that… but I think I would have done the same thing.”

    It’s Called Sarcasm

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is [name]. How may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “What time do you stop room service?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer room service.”

    Customer: “What’s up with that?”

    Me: “We don’t have a kitchen in the hotel.”

    Customer: “Well, y’all need to get one!”

    Me: “You’re right. I will start filing for permits and hiring subcontractors and have the kitchen built before you arrive.”

    Customer: “That’s great, you truly offer excellent customer service!”

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