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    The Orlando Hillbillies

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We had gotten a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

    Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

    Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [theme park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everythin’!”

    Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

    Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone too! See?! These ain’t my towels, I know because we had used ours last night and draped `em over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

    (I look around the bathroom–it looked tidy and neat. Clean towels were hanging on the towel rack, new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

    Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

    Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! Ah know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

    Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels and give you new–”

    (The man begins shouting.)

    Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

    Me: “Its called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

    Customer: “Well I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

    Me: “… sir, it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

    Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

    Me: “Alright, sir…”

    (The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently he used the same 4 towels the whole time and split a 1 oz bottle of shampoo for 4 people over 6 days.)

    She Who Wears The Pants, Part 2

    | Calgary, Alberta, Canada |

    (I’m helping a couple check out at the front desk.)

    Me: “Okay, and how would you like to settle the bill?”

    Husband: “Put it on my card you have.”

    Wife: “No, put it on my credit card.” *hands me her credit card*

    Husband: “No! put it on my credit card!”

    Wife: “Don’t worry about him, just put it on mine.”

    Husband: *grabs wife’s credit card*

    Wife: “Fine, do what you want! I’m out of here!” *storms out of the hotel*

    (The husband runs out after his wife; 10 minutes passes by and he finally returns.)

    Husband, very quietly: “Put it on her card…”

    Related:
    She Who Wears The Pants

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Raceless Accusations

    | New Braunfels, TX, USA |

    (At our hotel, the doors are locked at 10 pm due to a recent robbery and all transactions are done after that time through the teller window.)

    Me: “Honey, can I use the bathroom?”

    My husband: “Sure.” *lets me in and re-locks the door*

    (A customer comes to the door after seeing me go in and is redirected to the teller window.)

    Customer: “So, why do I have to check in through the window but she gets to go in?”

    My husband: “I went ahead and let her in since was just wanting to use the restroom.”

    Customer: *angrily* “Is it because I’m [race]?!”

    My husband: “Well, sir, it may have something to do with the fact that she’s a very small girl who couldn’t possibly pose a threat to me, but mostly it’s because she’s my wife.”

    Customer: “… Oh.”

    Team Building Retreat With The Reindeer

    | Merced, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, [hotel]. This is Patrice. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’d like to check your availability for December 24th to the 26th.”

    Me: “We do have rooms available for those dates.”

    Caller: “I work for the government, and I’m wondering if you have the government discount?”

    Me: “Only government employees on official government business are eligible for our government rates.”

    Caller: “I’m on official business, then!”

    Me: “… You’re trying to book a room for Christmas.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Top

    (The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night the kid’s mother found me.)

    Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl Alice that was working last night!”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I am.”

    Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, I was here for that.”

    Mom: “Well, the police told me a girl named Alice told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

    Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

    Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

    Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

    Me: “For what?”

    Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

    Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

    Mom: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

    Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

    Me: “Well, sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

    Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

    Me: “You might be a while ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

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