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    Three Cents Of Nonsense

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Money

    Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, you guys overcharged me and I will accept nothing short of a full refund. This is ridiculous.”

    Me: “I’d be more than happy to help. Do you have your confirmation number?”

    Customer: “Yes. It’s ********.”

    Me: “Great. One moment, please.”

    (I look at their reservation history.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. So I’m showing you have a reservation arriving tonight. One king bed, non-smoking, booked at a rate of $1297.66. What were you quoted?”

    Customer: “I was quoted a rate of $1297.63.”

    Me: “So you were misquoted by 3 cents?”

    Customer: “Yes. And I demand the rate I was quoted be honored.”

    Me: “But it’s 3 cents…”

    Customer: “YOU **** corporations! WHY ARE YOU RIPPING ME OFF!?”

    Precision Pillows

    | British Columbia, Canada |

    (On the phone…)

    Customer: “Hi, I want to book a room with 2 beds for tomorrow.”

    Me: “Sure thing sir, lucky for you we’re not busy this weekend and have several rooms available. ”

    Customer: “Great, and how many pillows do the beds have?”

    Me: “Umm, I think there’s 2 on each bed.”

    Customer: “Can you check?”

    Me: “Okay….I’ll just be a moment.”

    (I go and check the nearest room’s bed and the next room along to be safe.)

    Me: “Yes, 2 per bed.”

    Customer: “So my room will have 2 pillows on each bed?”

    Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

    Customer: “I only like one pillow on my bed, can you give me a different room with a bed that only has one pillow on one of the beds?”

    Me: “Umm…you could always just take the other pillow off your bed when you go to sleep.”

    Customer: “What? No, I want one of the rooms with one less pillow on one bed.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms with specific numbers of pillows–”

    Customer: “–but you have rooms with specific number of beds!”

    Me: “Yes…that’s pretty much the norm, sir…”

    Customer: “Don’t get smart honey, I want a room with 2 beds, 2 pillows on one of them but only 1 on the other. That’s what I want.”

    Me: *sigh* “Okay sir, I’ll personally remove one of the bed’s pillows before you arrive tomorrow, how’s that?”

    Customer: “Good, that works for me. Hang on, are the pillows thick fluffy ones or skinny flat ones? Because if they’re skinny, I’ll just keep both of them.”

    Me:

    No More Miss Cleo For You

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is *** speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. One of your hotels stole something from me and I would like you to return that item to me or I will sue you.”

    Me: “We will certainly conduct an investigation. What property was it left at?”

    Customer: “The [hotel chain name].”

    Me: “Ok…what city and state?”

    Customer: “The [hotel chain name]!”

    Me: “I understand which brand name…can you please tell me the location of the property?”

    Customer: “It’s on Bradford.”

    Me: “Ok, and what city and state is that in?”

    Customer: “By the ocean.”

    Me: “Ok….which city and state?”

    Customer: “Florida. It’s not my job to tell you where it’s located…”

    Me: “Well, as I’m sure you can appreciate, we have over 3,000 properties in the US alone. So I will need you tell me which City in Florida this is located…”

    (Customer provides name of city.)

    Me: “Ok, great. And this is the [hotel chain name] on Bradford, correct? So what is missing?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “You don’t know?”

    Customer: “No. I visited my psychic this week, and she told me that one of the employees at that hotel where I just came from this past weekend, stole something from me. The employee is female with dark hair and her name starts with an ‘M’.”

    Me: “Ok…but can you tell me what you’re missing please? That way I can have this documented and the hotel can investigate the situation.”

    Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS STOLEN, BUT MY PSYCHIC DOES NOT LIE.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I certainly apologize for any inconvenience experienced…but I’m sure you can appreciate that I would need to know what was taken to forward over to the hotel. Have you gone through your items?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “And?”

    Customer: “I can’t find anything. But your hotel better return my items or I will sue you!”

    Me: “I’d love to help you. Please call us back when you have discovered what was missing. Thank you.”

    Must Have Been A Looooong Pregnancy

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Pregnant Customer: “I want to be reimbursed because I did not get a ground floor unit, because I was promised one when I booked the reservation due to the fact that I’m pregnant.”

    Agent: “But ma’am, you booked this reservation eleven months in advance.”

    Maybe If You Click Your Heels Three Times

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to the Award Winning XXXXXX, How may I help you?”

    Potential Guest on the Phone: “I would like a room.”

    Me: “And when would you be arriving sir?”

    Guest: “Huh?”

    Me: “When do you want the room?”

    Guest: “Oh! Tonight…”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we are completely booked tonight, would you like me to provide the number of a nearby establishment?”

    Guest: “You got no rooms? Can’t you just give me one of the emergency rooms?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have any rooms like that, we sell our rooms until we are out. We don’t keep any rooms for ‘emergencies.’”

    Guest: “Oh, you have suites too don’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, we do, but we are completely booked, so there are no rooms available, every kind.”

    Guest: “No rooms?”

    Me: “No rooms.”

    Guest: “No Suites?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we have no rooms of any kind, Suite or otherwise, now unless you want to book a room for another night, I am going to have to hang up.”

    Guest: “No rooms?”

    *click*


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