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    The Imperial Left Or The Metric Left

    | London, UK |

    Guest: “How do you get to a cash machine??”

    Me: “You exit the hotel, turn left, and then–”

    Guest: “Turn left?”

    Me: “Yes, left.”

    Guest: “Left?”

    Me: “Yes, left.” *pointing with my hand*

    Guest: *confused* “Left…right…”

    Me: “Left in England is the same as left in America.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay! I get it!”

    A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

    | Oregon, USA |

    (A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I worked, a huge snowstorm knocked out the power. I was working night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about 2 in the morning.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

    (Note: I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Who said that? Oh God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

    Me: “Yeah…what can I do for you, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to check in!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

    Customer: “Well, fix it!”

    Me: “Fix what?”

    Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

    Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

    Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

    Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

    Tasting Is Believing

    | SSM, Ontario, Canada |

    (The pool I work at is run using a salt water system instead of chlorine. I am in the process of adding salt to the pool when a hotel guest shouts at me from a poolside chair.)

    Hotel guest: “Miss! What are you putting in that pool?”

    Me: “It’s just salt. It’s not dangerous to you or anyone swimming in it. In fact, it makes the water that much safer.”

    Hotel guest: “Salt? That makes no sense! No one puts salt in a pool! They put chlorine! Why are you lying to me?”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you that this is nothing more than food grade salt.”

    Hotel guest: “I don’t believe you! It has to be chlorine! Get over here!”

    (I walk over to the man with my bucket of salt, where he proceeds to stick his entire hand in, pick up salt, and eat it.)

    Hotel guest: “Oh…I guess it is salt. Can I have a glass of water?”

    Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

    | Anaheim, CA |

    Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

    Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

    Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

    (I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

    Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

    Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

    Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

    Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

    Guest: “Fine!”

    (He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

    Guest: “Here!”

    (I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

    Me: “Here it is, sir.”

    Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

    Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

    (I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

    Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

    Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

    (I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Next customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

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