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    Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

    | Anaheim, CA |

    Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

    Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

    Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

    (I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

    Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

    Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

    Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

    Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

    Guest: “Fine!”

    (He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

    Guest: “Here!”

    (I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

    Me: “Here it is, sir.”

    Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

    Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

    (I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

    Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

    Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

    (I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Next customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

    An Idiot At Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (Note: GPS systems in the area around our hotel rarely work.)

    Caller:: “I’m lost. How do I get to you?”

    Me: “Where are you?”

    Caller:: “I don’t know! I’m lost!”

    Me: “What are you near?”

    Caller:: “Bushes.”

    Me: “You’re going to have to be more precise. I can’t tell where you are just by your description.”

    Caller:: “They’re small bushes!”

    Why Husbands Need Training Wheels

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    Me: “Sir, it says we have you in a room with two queen size beds. Is that correct?”

    Wife: “That’s right. At home, we have a Tempur-Pedic bed, so when we stay places, we need two beds.”

    Husband: “Yeah, I flail–”

    Wife: “–he bounces in his sleep–”

    Husband: “–and not in the good way.”

    Wife: “Yeah, it starts out as the good kind of bouncing, and then it doesn’t stop–”

    Husband: “Yes, honey, that’s TMI. TMI!”

    General Housekeeping

    | Edmond, OK, USA |

    (A hotel guest walks in with his significant other and approaches the front desk.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Hotel guest: “You wouldn’t happen to have like, tarps and scalpels?”

    Me: “…No…sorry.”

    Hotel guest: “Worth a shot!” *returns to hotel room*

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