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    Stuck In A Lupe

    | Asheville, NC, USA |

    Me: “Hello this is [Hotel] how may I help?”

    Caller: “Do you have a housekeeper named Guadalupe?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t.”

    Caller: “Or Lupe?”

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Caller: “I spent the night with her a week ago and I’m trying to find her. We had a good time. Guadalupe?”

    Me: “Is it possible she goes by another name?”

    Caller: “No. Guadalupe.”

    Me: “There is no Guadalupe here.”

    Caller: “Okay.”

    (Two minutes later, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Hello this is [Hotel] how may I help?”

    Caller: “What about Maria?”

    When Logic Comes Crumbling Down

    | Virginia, USA |

    (It’s 1 am in late August.)

    Me: “Hello, guest services.”

    Guest: “Yes, my air conditioner has stopped working. Can you send a maintenance man up here right now to fix it?”

    Me: “Sir, our maintenance guy will be here at 5 am. I can send him there as soon as he arrives. If the room is unbearable, I will gladly place you in a room with a working air conditioner.”

    Guest: “No, I don’t want to switch rooms. If you can’t come up here yourself to fix it now, I am going to jump in your pool!”

    Me: “Sir, the pool is closed for the night, but it will open at 7 am. Unfortunately, I am not sure how to fix your air conditioner. However, I will gladly put you in another room.”

    Guest: “Listen here, either you fix the machine right now or you let me get in the pool! Or… let me have some cookies.”

    Me: “Cookies, sir?”

    Guest: “Yes, cookies!”

    Me: “Sir, we have cookies down in the lobby 24/7. You are welcome to take all you want.”

    Guest: “Ok, I’ll be right there!”

    Contains Scenes Of A Fraudulent Nature

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Guest: “Hi, I just accidentally ordered a movie, and I didn’t mean to. Take it off my bill.”

    Me: “Let me just look that up.”

    (I see that he’s had a movie voided off his bill every day he’s been here this week. I had my manager listen in.)

    Me: “Sir? You say this was a mistake?”

    Guest: “Yeah, I didn’t mean to order it.”

    Me: “It looks like you’ve asked that a movie be voided off your bill every day that you’ve been here this week. Is that correct?”

    Guest: “Yeah, it’s this stupid TV. It just starts the movies even if you don’t want them to start. It’s not my fault. I was just looking at the description.”

    (My boss goes over to our cable system, where we look at each movie order and the length of time they’ve watched each movie. Based on the price, we knew he was watching ‘adult’ films.)

    Me: “Sir, it looks like you’ve watched this movie for 20 minutes. Is there a reason you watched that much before calling us?”

    Guest: “I don’t need the damn movie anymore, okay? I don’t need it anymore!”

    Me: “Sir, that is too much information, and we will not be crediting any more movies off your bill.”

    The Hangover Doesn’t Taste So Suite

    | USA |

    Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this 500 dollars is on my d*** bill!”

    (After looking up his bill, I see that not only did they smoke a number of substances which they left evidence of in the room, but they also broke the entire bathroom mirror, and burned a heart design into the computer desk.)

    Me: “Sir, it appears that have charge a fee on each of your rooms for damage as well as a fee for smoking in the room. This is a non-smoking property.”

    Caller: “I can’t help what my girl does.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we have a strict no-smoking policy, and you are responsible for the state of the room because you made the reservation.”

    Caller: “I can’t help it! My girl likes to smoke afterwards!”

    Me: “It also looks like you broke a mirror in one of the rooms.”

    Caller: “That was Bibby. Bibby crazy, girl. Bibby crazy.”

    Me: “Well sir, you made the reservations, so you are responsible for your girlfriend, as well as ‘Bibby’.”

    Caller: “She ain’t my girlfriend, she just my girl.”

    Me: “Someone burned a heart into the desk in one of the rooms, and we had to bring in a steam cleaner for both carpets, because of the vomit.”

    Caller: “I told you Bibby was crazy.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we are keeping the damage fee, even though ‘Bibby’ burned the desk.”

    Caller: “Oh, no the desk was me.”

    Me: “Then it is absolutely your responsibility.”

    Caller: “It was a declaration of love, woman. She wanted a declaration of love!”

    Me: “If you have any further questions, sir, you’re going to have to call our corporate customer care line.”

    Caller: “It was for LOVE!”

    Dog Teeth Are Not Rootine

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I have a toothbrush?”

    Me: “Sure.” *I hand her a toothbrush*

    (The customer leaves, and she comes back about five minutes later.)

    Me: “Do you need toothpaste?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I was just wondering if this toothbrush is ADA approved? It doesn’t say that on the label.”

    Me: “That’s because we special order our toothbrushes in bulk. The box that the shipment comes in says it’s ADA approved, though, if you want me to show you that.”

    Customer: “I should. Harry is very finicky about his teeth, and I forgot his toothbrush at home.”

    (I get the box and show her that the toothbrush is ADA approved.)

    Customer: “Oh, good, Harry will be so happy! Here, let me show you some pictures of my baby!”

    (She takes out her wallet and shows me pictures of a golden retriever.)

    Me: “Um…is Harry a dog?”

    Customer: “Of course! He’s my baby!”

    Me: “We don’t allow pets in this hotel.”

    Customer: “Oh. Can I still keep the toothbrush?”

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