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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Married To No One Inn Particular

    | Annapolis, MD, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m checking in a woman who walked into our hotel. We have 2 rooms left, and are one of the pricier hotels in the area.)

    Me: “Your room will be [price] plus tax per night.”

    Customer: “You don’t have anything cheaper?”

    Me: “Not right now. We are almost sold out tonight.”

    Customer: “Not triple A?”

    Me: No, I’m sorry.

    Customer: *mumbling* “My house burned down!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry.”

    Customer: *mumbling* “I’m dying!”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Customer: “My husband just died!”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “He was in the military! I want a room for a hundred dollars less!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t ever offer rooms that low. There are hotels right across the street that do, though.”

    Customer: “No! I want to stay here! My husband loves this place. It’s the only place he will stay.”

    Me: “Your deceased husband?”

    Customer: “Uh, no, the other one.”

    Me: “Your other husband?”

    Customer: “Just give me a room.”

    (She gets keys, walks out of the hotel, and returns with a man.)

    Customer: “See, he isn’t dead!”

    Me: “I’m glad to see that.”

    Customer: *to man* “She was trying to kill you!”

    Weeding Out The Good Customers

    | Outer Banks, NC, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    (It is a slow night and I am working with a co-worker when a guy walks in.)

    Co-Worker: “Hi! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Do you have a room for tonight?”

    Co-Worker: “Just tonight?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Co-Worker: “How many in your party?”

    Customer: “Just one.”

    Co-Worker: “Do you have a smoking preference?”

    Customer: “Weed?”

    Me: *just hearing the last part of the conversation* “What?”

    Co-Worker: “We’re keeping him.”

    Excuses That Don’t Hold Water

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thanks for calling [hotel], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a room next weekend. My kid has a swim meet down there.”

    Me: “Okay. Rooms with two doubles are going for $135.”

    Customer: “Give me a corporate rate on that room.”

    Me: “Sir, corporate rates are for business travel. You just told me you were coming for a swim meet.”

    Customer: “Well, uh, I sell swimsuits!”

    Related:
    Logic That Doesn’t Hold Water

    Lost A Sense Of Irony

    | Wildwood, NJ, USA | Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “Hi, can I check your lost and found? I think I left my phone here the other night.”

    Me: “Sure.” *gets out box* “Here you go.”

    Customer: *rummages through the box* “Whoa!”

    (She finds a very expensive MP3 player and begins to pocket it.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you said you left your phone here.”

    Customer: “Yea so? I still want this.”

    Me: “But it’s not yours, someone else lost it and will probably be looking for it.”

    Customer: “Well if they were stupid enough to lose something so expensive they don’t deserve to have it! Oh, here’s my phone!”

    (She walks away with her brand new iPhone 4.)

    On Completely Different Wavelengths

    | Chesapeake, VA, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    (Note: the caller ID shows an out of town number.)

    Caller: “Uh, hi. My room radio doesn’t work anymore.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. What room are you in?”

    Caller: “Oh, no, I’m at home! I took the radio home and now the buttons on top don’t work. It’s just fuzz! No music!”

    Me: “Wait. So you stole a radio, took it home, and now you’re calling because the pre-assigned buttons don’t work?”

    Caller: “Can you fix it or not?!”

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