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    The Hangover Doesn’t Taste So Suite

    | USA |

    Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this 500 dollars is on my d*** bill!”

    (After looking up his bill, I see that not only did they smoke a number of substances which they left evidence of in the room, but they also broke the entire bathroom mirror, and burned a heart design into the computer desk.)

    Me: “Sir, it appears that have charge a fee on each of your rooms for damage as well as a fee for smoking in the room. This is a non-smoking property.”

    Caller: “I can’t help what my girl does.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we have a strict no-smoking policy, and you are responsible for the state of the room because you made the reservation.”

    Caller: “I can’t help it! My girl likes to smoke afterwards!”

    Me: “It also looks like you broke a mirror in one of the rooms.”

    Caller: “That was Bibby. Bibby crazy, girl. Bibby crazy.”

    Me: “Well sir, you made the reservations, so you are responsible for your girlfriend, as well as ‘Bibby’.”

    Caller: “She ain’t my girlfriend, she just my girl.”

    Me: “Someone burned a heart into the desk in one of the rooms, and we had to bring in a steam cleaner for both carpets, because of the vomit.”

    Caller: “I told you Bibby was crazy.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we are keeping the damage fee, even though ‘Bibby’ burned the desk.”

    Caller: “Oh, no the desk was me.”

    Me: “Then it is absolutely your responsibility.”

    Caller: “It was a declaration of love, woman. She wanted a declaration of love!”

    Me: “If you have any further questions, sir, you’re going to have to call our corporate customer care line.”

    Caller: “It was for LOVE!”

    Dog Teeth Are Not Rootine

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I have a toothbrush?”

    Me: “Sure.” *I hand her a toothbrush*

    (The customer leaves, and she comes back about five minutes later.)

    Me: “Do you need toothpaste?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I was just wondering if this toothbrush is ADA approved? It doesn’t say that on the label.”

    Me: “That’s because we special order our toothbrushes in bulk. The box that the shipment comes in says it’s ADA approved, though, if you want me to show you that.”

    Customer: “I should. Harry is very finicky about his teeth, and I forgot his toothbrush at home.”

    (I get the box and show her that the toothbrush is ADA approved.)

    Customer: “Oh, good, Harry will be so happy! Here, let me show you some pictures of my baby!”

    (She takes out her wallet and shows me pictures of a golden retriever.)

    Me: “Um…is Harry a dog?”

    Customer: “Of course! He’s my baby!”

    Me: “We don’t allow pets in this hotel.”

    Customer: “Oh. Can I still keep the toothbrush?”

    Just Give Them A Watered Down Answer

    | Niagara Falls, ON, Canada |

    (I work at a hotel half an hour away from Niagara Falls.)

    Customer: “What time do the Falls stop?”

    Me: “You mean the stores? I think they’re probably closed-”

    Customer: “No, no, the Falls. What time do they run until?”

    Me: “The lights? I believe 10 or so–”

    Customer: “No, no, I mean the actual waterfall, what time do they turn it off?”

    Me: “Midnight.”

    (It’s about 11:30pm, so they thank me and run out. Two hours later, they return.)

    Customer: “Thanks a lot for the help earlier! I guess it was our lucky day. They didn’t turn them off yet!”

    The Devil Is In The Pre-Sales

    | Pennslyvania, USA |

    (I’m working at the hotel on Christmas Day.)

    Customer, to husband: “See that girl there? She must be one of those devil worshipers! Why else would she be here on the day of Christ’s birth?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Who do you worship? Why are you working on Christmas? You worship the devil!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m working because I don’t have any children. A lot of the other employees do so they’re home with their families.”

    Customer: “Who do you worship?”

    Me: “I’m a Christian.”

    Customer: “DO NOT LIE! GOD WILL STRIKE YOU! GOD KNOWS ALL!”

    Husband: *laughing* “Yes, just like Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.”

    Customer: “Santa has NOTHING to do with Christ. You’ll offend them both!”

    Related:
    The Devil Revils In The Details
    The Devil Is In The Ridiculous Details
    The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

    Questionable Intelligence

    | Alabama, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [hotel]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you tell me what room is beside 106?”

    Me: “Um…room 107?”

    Customer: “That’s the one! Thanks so much!” *hangs up*

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