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    Can’t Keep Up With The Joneses

    | Annapolis, MD, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “I want to look at my final bill.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Your room number?”

    Customer: *already angry by the question* “331!”

    Me: *looking at the name on the room* “331. Ms. Jones?”

    Customer: “Yeah! What’s the charge?”

    Me: “It’s $434.67.”

    Customer: “What! That’s insane! What did you people do? It should only be a hundred dollars!”

    Me: “Your bill shows a number of movie charges and quite a few items from our market here. It is 331, right, Ms. Jones?”

    Customer: “That’s insane! What did you do?! I knew this was going to happen! I knew you were going to try and cheat us and we wouldn’t know it till we got home!  I read on the internet that hotels always do this! Print that bill up right now! I’m going to sue you with it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about  the confusion, Ms. Jones. Here’s your bill.  Let me get my manager so we can look over this and figure out the problem.”

    (As my manager approaches, she grabs the bill out of my hand so hard she tears part of it.)

    Me: “Here you are, Ms. Jones. And here’s my manager.”

    Customer: *looking at bill* “This isn’t me!”

    Me: “You are not Ms. Jones, in 331?”

    Customer: “No! What is wrong with you?!” *turning to my manager* “Why do you let idiots work here?!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, what is your last name?”

    (The customer rattles off a long, hyphenated name that could not be further from Jones if she tried.)

    Manager: “Then I have to ask why, when my employee asked you if you were Ms. Jones, did you say yes?”

    Customer: “I don’t get paid to know who I am!”

    Talentless Pool

    | Wisconsin, USA | Family & Kids

    (A customer approaches the front desk.)

    Customer: “Can I get a large gauze and band aid? And maybe some ointment as well?”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Customer: “My son swam into the pool wall, and he cut his head open.”

    Me: “Is he okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, just bleeding. He’s so used to swimming in the ocean with no walls. Poor thing.”

    Me: “How old is your son?”

    Customer: “19.”

    Walking Tall, Risking Small

    | Dayton, OH, USA | Crazy Requests

    Guest: “How do I get to the mall from here?”

    Me: “Oh, it’s really easy, sir. You just make a right out of our lot, and you come to a lighted intersection. Go straight through the light and you will be in the mall parking lot.”

    Guest: “Alright, then.”

    (The guest goes to walk there, and then comes back.)

    Guest: “Are there no sidewalks here?”

    Me: “Well, no, not really, but there’s a light to protect you. Our roads have really wide shoulders, so there’s plenty of room to walk.”

    Guest: “Oh. So you really have to take you life into your hands to walk anywhere here, huh?”

    Unable To Order, Drunken Disorder

    | Alberta, Canada | Hotels & Lodging

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

    Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

    (After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

    Me: “Front desk.”

    Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Girl I am sure! My phone is not working.”

    Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ’9′ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

    Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

    Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

    *Silence for a moment.*

    Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

    Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

    Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”

    Loonie Toonies

    | Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Canada, Hotels & Lodging

    Me: “Good evening, sir. How can I help you?”

    Guest: “I need change for $5.00 so I can leave the maid a tip.”

    (The guest hands me a Canadian $5.00 bill and I open my register and take out a ‘toonie’ and three ‘loonies’ and hand it to the guest.)

    Guest: *blank look* “What is this?”

    Me: “That is change for $5.00.”

    Guest: “Is this real?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Guest: “Are you kidding me?”

    Me: “No, sir. I assure you that is Canadian change for five dollars.”

    Guest: “Is the maid going to understand what this stuff is?”

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