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    Unable To Order, Drunken Disorder

    | Alberta, Canada | Hotels & Lodging

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

    Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

    (After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

    Me: “Front desk.”

    Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Girl I am sure! My phone is not working.”

    Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ’9′ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

    Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

    Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

    *Silence for a moment.*

    Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

    Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

    Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”

    Loonie Toonies

    | Niagara Falls, ON, Canada | Canada, Hotels & Lodging

    Me: “Good evening, sir. How can I help you?”

    Guest: “I need change for $5.00 so I can leave the maid a tip.”

    (The guest hands me a Canadian $5.00 bill and I open my register and take out a ‘toonie’ and three ‘loonies’ and hand it to the guest.)

    Guest: *blank look* “What is this?”

    Me: “That is change for $5.00.”

    Guest: “Is this real?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Guest: “Are you kidding me?”

    Me: “No, sir. I assure you that is Canadian change for five dollars.”

    Guest: “Is the maid going to understand what this stuff is?”

    Smoking Rate Gets Smokers Irate

    | Tennessee, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    Customer: “I have a smoking fee on my bill but I didn’t smoke in the room!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, the security officer last night saw you with a lit cigarette in your hand when he went to your room last night.”

    Customer: “Well, it wasn’t me! I didn’t smoke last night!”

    Me: “I’m really sorry, but if anyone smoked in the room last night we have to charge you for it since it was your room.”

    Customer: “But even if it wasn’t me?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Security said that someone was smoking in the room.”

    Customer: “But I put it out right away! I didn’t smoke any more after that!”

    Me: “So you did actually smoke in the room then?”

    Customer: “Can I just pay half the fee since I only smoked half the cigarette?”

    Inn-Experienced Guest

    | Olympia, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a room for the night.”

    Me: “Okay, the rate for tonight is [price].”

    Customer: *confused*”You mean it’s not free?”

    Me: “No, it’s [price].”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Not free?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Do the people upstairs know about this?”

    Me: “Yes. They all paid the same thing.”

    Customer: *walking away* “Crazy people.”

    Related:
    Inn-Experienced Dialer

    For The Love Of God, Get GPS, Part 2

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Geography

    Caller: “Hi. I’m trying to find you, but seem a bit lost.”

    Me: “That’s no problem. Do you approximately where you are?”

    Caller: “Nova Scotia.”

    Me: “That’s good, but I will need a bit more information. Are you in Halifax or Dartmouth?”

    Caller: “Canada.”

    Me: “Do you know which city you are in?”

    Caller: “Canada.”

    Me: “Canada is the country. Which area of the city are you in. Do you know which road you are on?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Where have you driven from?”

    Caller: “My aunt’s house.”

    Me: “Do you know your aunt’s address?”

    Caller: “She lives in Nova Scotia.”

    Me: “Can you see any signs or landmarks?”

    Caller: “I have some water on my right and some trees on my left.”

    Me: “Any shops or gas stations?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “You will need to keep going straight and call me back as soon as you see a sign or can stop at a gas station or shop and ask for help.”

    Caller: “I thought you were guest services. Why won’t you help me?”

    Me: “I am trying, but need a basic idea where you are.”

    Caller: *shouting* “I’m. In. Canada!”

    Related:
    For The Love Of God, Get GPS

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