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    Inn-Experienced Guest

    | Olympia, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a room for the night.”

    Me: “Okay, the rate for tonight is [price].”

    Customer: *confused*”You mean it’s not free?”

    Me: “No, it’s [price].”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Not free?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Do the people upstairs know about this?”

    Me: “Yes. They all paid the same thing.”

    Customer: *walking away* “Crazy people.”

    Related:
    Inn-Experienced Dialer

    For The Love Of God, Get GPS, Part 2

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Geography

    Caller: “Hi. I’m trying to find you, but seem a bit lost.”

    Me: “That’s no problem. Do you approximately where you are?”

    Caller: “Nova Scotia.”

    Me: “That’s good, but I will need a bit more information. Are you in Halifax or Dartmouth?”

    Caller: “Canada.”

    Me: “Do you know which city you are in?”

    Caller: “Canada.”

    Me: “Canada is the country. Which area of the city are you in. Do you know which road you are on?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Where have you driven from?”

    Caller: “My aunt’s house.”

    Me: “Do you know your aunt’s address?”

    Caller: “She lives in Nova Scotia.”

    Me: “Can you see any signs or landmarks?”

    Caller: “I have some water on my right and some trees on my left.”

    Me: “Any shops or gas stations?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “You will need to keep going straight and call me back as soon as you see a sign or can stop at a gas station or shop and ask for help.”

    Caller: “I thought you were guest services. Why won’t you help me?”

    Me: “I am trying, but need a basic idea where you are.”

    Caller: *shouting* “I’m. In. Canada!”

    Related:
    For The Love Of God, Get GPS

    Ron Service Isn’t Available

    | Virginia, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you sir?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m calling for a person. He is in room 159F.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have a room with that number.”

    Caller: “Are you sure? He is an old friend and said he was staying at this hotel.”

    Me: “Yes sir, I am sure we don’t have that room. But if you give me his name, I can see if we have a guest with that name.”

    Caller: “Ron.”

    Me: “Last name?”

    Caller: “I don’t know. He’s from Canada.”

    Me: “Sorry sir, I need more to go on than that.”

    Caller: “Can’t you just call every room and ask for a Ron from Canada?”

    Me: “No sir. No I can’t.”

    Caller: “It’s okay, I’ll hold.”

    Naturally Stupid

    | Minnesota, USA |

    Me: “Front desk, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “There’s a noise outside and it’s keeping me awake.”

    Me: “What does it sound like ma’am?”

    Customer: “Squeaky toys or something. Do you allow dogs here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do, but they’re all on the first floor. Let me see if we anyone is out back and I’ll call you right back to let you know what I find out.”

    (I go and check out back and there isn’t anyone out there. However, the sound of the early spring frogs is deafening. I call her back.)

    Me: “Ma’am, those are frogs.”

    Customer: “Well, can you turn them off?”

    Me: “No ma’am, they’re frogs.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t come here for your nature sounds. I’m only staying here because I need a place to sleep. I refuse to pay for the sound of frogs.”

    Me: “Well, the nature sounds are complimentary.”

    Customer: “Oh, well…goodnight, then.”

    Of Breath Smoke And Breast Strokes

    | Asheville, NC, USA |

    (A customer with children in tow tries to book a smoking room, but we are sold out.)

    Customer’s kids: “We want to go swimming!”

    Customer: “They don’t have any smoking rooms, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.”

    Customer’s kids: “Can’t you just go outside and smoke?”

    Customer: “It’s snowing outside! Oh, you’d like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn’t you?”

    Me: “I can call the motel next door for you and see if they have any smoking rooms available.”

    Customer’s kids: “But they have an indoor pool here! We want to go in the pool!”

    Customer: “That’s all you do, isn’t it? All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!”


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