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    Warning: IQ May Be Inversely Proportional To Wavelength

    | Milan, Italy |

    Guest: “Do you have a macrowave?”

    Me: “You mean a microwave? It’s at the–”

    Guest: “I don’t like your microwave. I need a macrowave.”

    Me: “There’s no such thing as a macrowave.”

    Guest: “Well, your microwave isn’t heating my food fast enough. I want a macrowave instead!”

    Me: “Sorry, but it’s a standard microwave. Perhaps you can check if you have it on a low setting?”

    Guest: “What?”

    Me: “There’s should a dial going from from low to high under the timer dial.”

    Guest: “It’s on low.”

    Me: “Change it to high.”

    Guest: “So, it’s macrowaves now?”

    Me: “No, but your food will now heat faster.”

    Guest: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes. Ring us again if there’s a problem.”

    A Day Of Ups And Downs

    | Freeport, ME, USA |

    Guest: “Excuse me, where is the elevator?”

    Me: “Around the corner and to the right, ma’am.”

    (The guest walks towards the elevator, stops, and comes back to the front desk.)

    Guest: “Sorry, where is the elevator?”

    Me: “See where the carpet starts right over there? It’s right after that, ma’am.”

    (The guest walks towards the elevator again, stops, and returns to the desk.)

    Guest: “Is it in the same place on every floor?”

    There Is No App For That

    | Canterbury, England, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling reception. How may I help?”

    Guest: *in heavily accented English* “The phone is not working!”

    Me: “I beg your pardon, sir, but the phone does seem to be working as you are calling me on it.”

    Guest: “No! The phone is not working!”

    Me: “The phone is definitely working sir. If you would like an outside line, dial 9.”

    (I hear button being pressed.)

    Me: “No, not when you’re on the phone to me. You need to hang up and then press 9.”

    Guest: “Wait, I’ll get my wife.”

    (There’s a brief pause. His wife gets on the phone.)

    Wife: “The phone is not working!”

    Me: “The phone is working, madam. You need to hang up, then pick up again and press 9.”

    Wife: “But the phone is not working!”

    Me: “Did you try the international dialling code?”

    Wife: “No! The phone is not working–and my hair is wet!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Wife: “The hair-phone! The hair-phone is not working!”

    Me: “Do you mean hairdryer?”

    Wife: “Yes! The hairdryer is not working!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll send someone up.”

    Safe In Mind

    | Fort Myers, FL, USA |

    (All of our hotel rooms have safes. Each safe has a set of instructions on how to input your own 4-digit code.)

    Me: “Front desk, how may I help you?”

    Guest: “What’s my code?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Your code?”

    Guest: “Yes, my 4-digit secret code?”

    Me: “You make it up yourself. We aren’t allowed to know it.”

    Guest: “I make it up myself? How am I supposed to know what code to use?”

    Witless Vs Witness

    | Kingston, ON, Canada |

    (I am checking out an elderly woman. Off to the side is a younger woman, waiting impatiently and tapping her foot.)

    Impatient customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m just finishing up with this lady here, and I’ll be right with you.”

    (The impatient customer lets out a loud sigh, and walks out the door. She talks to her boyfriend. He then comes in.)

    Impatient customer’s boyfriend: “What the h***, bro? Were you just rude to my woman?”

    Me: “No, actually. Quite the opposite. Your friend was rude to this lady here as I was still waiting on her.”

    Impatient customer’s boyfriend: “Whatever, bro. You’re lucky I don’t come over there and kick your a**.”

    (The elderly customer claps, looking at me.)

    Elderly customer: “I’ll stay and watch and be your witness!”

    (The boyfriend doesn’t know what to say, and then hesitantly leaves.)

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