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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Tasting Is Believing

    | SSM, Ontario, Canada |

    (The pool I work at is run using a salt water system instead of chlorine. I am in the process of adding salt to the pool when a hotel guest shouts at me from a poolside chair.)

    Hotel guest: “Miss! What are you putting in that pool?”

    Me: “It’s just salt. It’s not dangerous to you or anyone swimming in it. In fact, it makes the water that much safer.”

    Hotel guest: “Salt? That makes no sense! No one puts salt in a pool! They put chlorine! Why are you lying to me?”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you that this is nothing more than food grade salt.”

    Hotel guest: “I don’t believe you! It has to be chlorine! Get over here!”

    (I walk over to the man with my bucket of salt, where he proceeds to stick his entire hand in, pick up salt, and eat it.)

    Hotel guest: “Oh…I guess it is salt. Can I have a glass of water?”

    Lost Within A Hundred Feet Of Paradise

    | Anaheim, CA |

    Guest: “I need you to put [theme park] into my GPS.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s right around the corner. We even have a free shuttle that’ll take you over.”

    Guest: “No, I want to DRIVE. Just put the coordinates into my GPS.”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s probably already a landmark in your GPS, but as I said, you just have to go out of the parking lot and turn right. The parking structure is just across the way there.”

    Guest: “I need exact directions! Put the location into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you, it’s already in your GPS. If you’d like, I can also provide you with a map. See?”

    (I show him a pre-printed paper map that indicates the parking structure is literally across the street.)

    Guest: “I want the park put into my GPS!”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you that the park is in your GPS already, unless it’s a very cheap unit.”

    Guest: “It came with my BMW rental!”

    Me: “Then it’s in there, I promise you.”

    Guest: “No, it’s not! Come out to my car and put it in!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t leave the desk, but if you bring the unit in, I will find the location for you.”

    Guest: “Fine!”

    (He leaves, and then returns with a high-end GPS unit.)

    Guest: “Here!”

    (I take the unit and call up the landmarks menu. Sure enough, there’s the park.)

    Me: “Here it is, sir.”

    Guest: *looks at the GPS unit* “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS AROUND THE D*** CORNER?!”

    Hear No Evil, Get Blinded By No Evil

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to change my room. I’m on the first floor and my window faces the outside, but I like to walk around naked with the curtains open.”

    (I search his face for hint of a joke, but I see none; he seems completely serious.)

    Me: “Of course, sir, I can put you on the fifth floor and make sure your window doesn’t face any other rooms.”

    Customer: “Thank you, that’d be great!”

    (I finish the room change and proceed to help the next customer.)

    Me, to the next customer: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Next customer: “Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…”

    An Idiot At Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (Note: GPS systems in the area around our hotel rarely work.)

    Caller:: “I’m lost. How do I get to you?”

    Me: “Where are you?”

    Caller:: “I don’t know! I’m lost!”

    Me: “What are you near?”

    Caller:: “Bushes.”

    Me: “You’re going to have to be more precise. I can’t tell where you are just by your description.”

    Caller:: “They’re small bushes!”

    Why Husbands Need Training Wheels

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    Me: “Sir, it says we have you in a room with two queen size beds. Is that correct?”

    Wife: “That’s right. At home, we have a Tempur-Pedic bed, so when we stay places, we need two beds.”

    Husband: “Yeah, I flail–”

    Wife: “–he bounces in his sleep–”

    Husband: “–and not in the good way.”

    Wife: “Yeah, it starts out as the good kind of bouncing, and then it doesn’t stop–”

    Husband: “Yes, honey, that’s TMI. TMI!”


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