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    The Following Stupidity Takes Place In Real Time

    | Boulder, CO, USA |

    (A very intoxicated guest walks in at night.)

    Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

    Guest: “I lost the key to my room.”

    Me: “Do you have your photo ID?”

    Guest: “No, I lost it. My room number is 4321.”

    (Our highest room number is 558.)

    Me: “What is the name on the room?”

    Guest: “Jack. Jack Bauer.”

    Me: “We don’t have a Mr. Bauer staying with us tonight.”

    Guest: “That’s ridiculous! Jack Bauer fights terrorism everywhere! All the time!”

    Walking Tall, Thinking Small

    | South Portland, ME, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], how can I help you?”

    Guest: “I’m wondering if you have any vacancies tonight?

    Me: “Sure!”

    (I tell her the availability and prices.)

    Guest: “Well, I have a walk-in coupon for a lower price. Can I use that?”

    Me: “Sure, but I wont be able to make a reservation for that price because it is for a walk-in only.”

    Guest: “Okay, I’ll need to take your airport shuttle though. Can I still use the walk-in rate?”

    Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

    Guest: “I’m taking a shuttle. I wont be walking in!”

    Related:
    Walking Tall, Thinking Small

    Inn-Experienced Guest, Part 2

    | Saint John, NB, Canada |

    Guest: “So, is this hotel open 24 hours?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Guest: “Really?”

    Me: “Yes, otherwise we would have to kick everyone out at 11 pm so we could go home.”

    Related:
    Inn-Experienced Guest

    Room Service Goes Down The Toilet

    | OK, USA |

    (A guest staying in the hotel calls the Front Desk at 3:30 AM.)

    Me: “Front Desk.”

    Guest: *slurring* “I messed my bed!”

    Me: “What do you mean by ‘mess’, sir?”

    Guest: “I mean I s*** my bed. You are gonna have to come clean it up!”

    Me: “You are more than welcome to come down to the–”

    Guest: “You are gonna come clean this up! I need new sheets!”

    Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but I am not coming to your room to clean up your feces. I can give you fresh sheets at the front desk.”

    Guest: “You are going to clean my s***!”

    (This goes back and forth for several minutes, when I look in the computer to see that the guest is in a room with two beds.)

    Me: “Sir, are you in this room by yourself?”

    Guest: “Yes!”

    Me: “Is the other bed broken?”

    Guest: “No!”

    Me: “Could you, perhaps, sleep in the other bed until housekeeping can give you fresh sheets?”

    Guest: “You won’t charge me for using the other bed?”

    Married To No One Inn Particular

    | Annapolis, MD, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m checking in a woman who walked into our hotel. We have 2 rooms left, and are one of the pricier hotels in the area.)

    Me: “Your room will be [price] plus tax per night.”

    Customer: “You don’t have anything cheaper?”

    Me: “Not right now. We are almost sold out tonight.”

    Customer: “Not triple A?”

    Me: No, I’m sorry.

    Customer: *mumbling* “My house burned down!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry.”

    Customer: *mumbling* “I’m dying!”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Customer: “My husband just died!”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “He was in the military! I want a room for a hundred dollars less!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t ever offer rooms that low. There are hotels right across the street that do, though.”

    Customer: “No! I want to stay here! My husband loves this place. It’s the only place he will stay.”

    Me: “Your deceased husband?”

    Customer: “Uh, no, the other one.”

    Me: “Your other husband?”

    Customer: “Just give me a room.”

    (She gets keys, walks out of the hotel, and returns with a man.)

    Customer: “See, he isn’t dead!”

    Me: “I’m glad to see that.”

    Customer: *to man* “She was trying to kill you!”

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