(A guest approaches the hotel front desk.)

Guest: “Um, hi…it looks like there was a pretty bad accident right down the street there…”

Me: “Oh okay, I’ll call 911.”

Guest: “It looks like a cab and a bus.”

Me: “Okay, thank you.” *picks up the phone*

Guest: What are you doing?

Me: “Calling 911.”

Guest: “Look, a lot of people have cell phones, I’m sure it’s fine. What I’m concerned about is that I think that was my cab.”

Me: “?”

Guest: “SO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB OR NOT?!”

Caller: “Yes, I would like a room for tonight.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. We are completely sold out.”

Caller: “Really!? I can’t believe that.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We truly do not have any rooms to sell.”

Caller: “Can I be put on a waiting list?”

Me: “No, we do not do waiting lists.”

Caller: “Who has rooms then?”

Me: “I would try **** and ****. They may still have rooms available.”

Caller: “You mean you don’t know?”

Me: “Um…no. I’m sorry I do not.”

Caller: “Well book me a room at one of those then!”

Me: “Yeah…there is no way for me to do that. I can give you their phone numbers though.”

Caller: “Why can’t you just book them for me? Use your fingers at your little computer and get me a room!”

Me: “Thank you for calling Guest Relations, this is ********. How can I assist you today?”

Guest: “I need to cancel my reservation I had a death in the family, and I won’t be able to make it.”

Me: “I’m certainly sorry to hear about that. I can contact the hotel for you and see if they would be willing to cancel the reservation without penalty. Can you give me the confirmation number?”

(Just then his wife is in the back ground yelling at him trying to take the phone away. She was calling him a liar and telling him that he was going to h*** if he did not tell me the truth. Just then she gets on the phone and says…)

Guest’s Wife: “I’m really sorry, but my husband is a liar and there was no death in the family. He made a mistake and booked the wrong hotel, and he doesn’t have the balls to admit it.”

Me: “Oh! Well then, yeah…”

Guest’s Wife: “I have told him not to do it, but he did.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our policies and procedure for this rate are very strict. I would not be able to cancel the reservation for you without a penalty.”

Guest’s Wife: “SO YOU’RE A LIAR TOO!!! You told my husband you would see if you can cancel without a penalty and now you can’t! BULLSH*T!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have to ask you to watch your language. We can contact the hotels if its an emergency. But we can never guarantee that it will be cancelled without a penalty for you. I advised that I would ask for you–”

Guest’s Wife: “FINE THEN! IF IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY THEN I DIED JUST TELL THEM THAT. I’M SURE THEY WOULD CANCEL THAT THEN. RIGHT!?”

Me: “But ma’am you can’t be dead–I am talking to you. I’m sorry…I can’t cancel the reservation for you. If I do you will be charged.”

Guest’s Wife: “YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON! YOU DONT CARE IF WE DIED! I DEMAND A REFUND OF THIS. NOW.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I’m not able to assist at this time, so you guys have a great day.”

Guest’s Wife: “FINE THEN! THIS WAS POINTLESS. Thanks for nothing you heartless b***h.”

Me: “You have a great day!”

(This person was the laughing stock of the day. She had the nerve to call back 4 times and try to convince some one to cancel the reservation for her with the same sob story again. Some people…)

Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you guys overcharged me and I will accept nothing short of a full refund. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to help. Do you have your confirmation number?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s ********.”

Me: “Great. One moment, please.”

(I look at their reservation history.)

Me: “Okay, sir. So I’m showing you have a reservation arriving tonight. One king bed, non-smoking, booked at a rate of $1297.66. What were you quoted?”

Customer: “I was quoted a rate of $1297.63.”

Me: “So you were misquoted by 3 cents?”

Customer: “Yes. And I demand the rate I was quoted be honored.”

Me: “But it’s 3 cents…”

Customer: “YOU **** corporations! WHY ARE YOU RIPPING ME OFF!?”

(On the phone…)

Customer: “Hi, I want to book a room with 2 beds for tomorrow.”

Me: “Sure thing sir, lucky for you we’re not busy this weekend and have several rooms available. ”

Customer: “Great, and how many pillows do the beds have?”

Me: “Umm, I think there’s 2 on each bed.”

Customer: “Can you check?”

Me: “Okay….I’ll just be a moment.”

(I go and check the nearest room’s bed and the next room along to be safe.)

Me: “Yes, 2 per bed.”

Customer: “So my room will have 2 pillows on each bed?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “I only like one pillow on my bed, can you give me a different room with a bed that only has one pillow on one of the beds?”

Me: “Umm…you could always just take the other pillow off your bed when you go to sleep.”

Customer: “What? No, I want one of the rooms with one less pillow on one bed.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms with specific numbers of pillows–”

Customer: “–but you have rooms with specific number of beds!”

Me: “Yes…that’s pretty much the norm, sir…”

Customer: “Don’t get smart honey, I want a room with 2 beds, 2 pillows on one of them but only 1 on the other. That’s what I want.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay sir, I’ll personally remove one of the bed’s pillows before you arrive tomorrow, how’s that?”

Customer: “Good, that works for me. Hang on, are the pillows thick fluffy ones or skinny flat ones? Because if they’re skinny, I’ll just keep both of them.”

Me: …

Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. One of your hotels stole something from me and I would like you to return that item to me or I will sue you.”

Me: “We will certainly conduct an investigation. What property was it left at?”

Customer: “The Holiday Inn.”

Me: “Ok…what city and state?”

Customer: “The Holiday Inn!!!!”

Me: “I understand which brand name…can you please tell me the location of the property?”

Customer: “It’s on Bradford.”

Me: “Ok, and what city and state is that in?”

Customer: “By the ocean.”

Me: “Ok….which city and state?”

Customer: “Florida. It’s not my job to tell you where it’s located…”

Me: “Well, as I’m sure you can appreciate, we have over 3,000 properties in the US alone. So I will need you tell me which City in Florida this is located…”

(Customer provides name of city.)

Me: “Ok great. And this is the Holiday Inn on Bradford, correct? So what is missing?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “No. I visited my psychic this week, and she told me that one of the employees at that hotel where I just came from this past weekend, stole something from me. The employee is female with dark hair and her name starts with an ‘M’.”

Me: “Ok….but can you tell me what you’re missing please? That way I can have this documented and the hotel can investigate the situation.”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS STOLEN BUT MY PSYCHIC DOES NOT LIE.”

Me: “Ma’am, I certainly apologize for any inconvenience experienced…but I’m sure you can appreciate that I would need to know what was taken to forward over to the hotel. Have you gone through your items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And?”

Customer: “I can’t find anything. But your hotel better return my items or I will sue you!”

Me: “I’d love to help you. Please call us back when you have discovered what was missing. Thank you.”

Pregnant Customer: “I want to be reimbursed because I did not get a ground floor unit, because I was promised one when I booked the reservation due to the fact that I’m pregnant.”

Agent: “But ma’am, you booked this reservation eleven months in advance.”

Me: “Welcome to the Award Winning XXXXXX, How may I help you?”

Potential Guest on the Phone: “I would like a room.”

Me: “And when would you be arriving sir?”

Guest: “Huh?”

Me: “When do you want the room?”

Guest: “Oh! Tonight…”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we are completely booked tonight, would you like me to provide the number of a nearby establishment?”

Guest: “You got no rooms? Can’t you just give me one of the emergency rooms?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have any rooms like that, we sell our rooms until we are out. We don’t keep any rooms for ‘emergencies.’”

Guest: “Oh, you have suites too don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, we do, but we are completely booked, so there are no rooms available, every kind.”

Guest: “No rooms?”

Me: “No rooms.”

Guest: “No Suites?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we have no rooms of any kind, Suite or otherwise, now unless you want to book a room for another night, I am going to have to hang up.”

Guest: “No rooms?”

*click*

Hotel Guest: “So how does parking work at the hotel?”

Me: “Oh sir, parking is complimentary anywhere on site.”

Hotel Guest: “How much does it cost?”

Me: “It’s complimentary … It’s free …”

Hotel Guest: “Do you have rooms available on Monday?”

Me: “What date?”

Guest: “Monday!”

Me: “No, what date?”

Guest: (In an, aren’t you f**king psychic tone) “Jeez, the 11th.”

Me: “Of what month?”

Guest: “MONDAY!”

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