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    Won’t Step Foot In Without Square Footing

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling. This is the front desk. How may I help?”

    Caller: “You can help me by telling me some info on your rooms!”

    Me: “Okay, what would you like to know?”

    (I’m expecting the usual questions, like how many beds, whether there’s a fridge, etc.)

    Caller: “Tell me, what is the square footage of the rooms?”

    Me: “Square footage? I don’t… know.”

    Caller: “What do you mean? It’s a simple question!”

    Me: “Well, it’s the first time I had a question like that. You’ll have to ask the contractor who designed the place, or the owner might know…”

    Caller: “Give me them, then! I need to know now!”

    Me: “They aren’t here. It’s three am where we are now.”

    (The man rants about stupid people, and calling corporate, and me being unhelpful, etc. using foulest language I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard lots. At his pause I speak up.)

    Me: “Would you like to book here?”

    Caller: *still screaming* “No, I wouldn’t ever want to book there—”

    Me: “That’s very good news. We thank you.” *I hang up*

    A Low Satisfaction Curve

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    (The hotel I work in is round and the outside wall of each room follows the curve of the hotel. Upon request the guest has been given an early check-in. Not 10 minutes later she comes back down to the desk.)

    Me: “Good morning again. Is there something else I could help you with?”

    Guest: “Yes. I want another room.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Is anything in particular wrong with your current room?”

    Guest: “I don’t like the way the room curves… You know?”

    Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, but every room curves in much the same fashion.”

    Guest: “You should get that fixed.”

    Making Room For Error

    | Caddo Valley, AR, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

    (It’s almost two am and I am about to start running the night audit when my manager, who stays on the property, calls the front desk.)

    Manager: *sounding alarmed* “There’s a guy in our room. He says he can’t find his room. Can you look him up in the computer?”

    Me: “Uh… okay.”

    (She gives me the man’s name, and I check the computer, but he is not one of our listed guests. I explain this, and she tells me that she’ll send her husband down with the errant guest. A few minutes later, the husband comes in with a man who seems disoriented and smells so strongly of alcohol that I notice it from behind the desk.)

    Customer: “…Yeah, my wife checked in, and now I can’t find my room! So I just went around and tried opening doors.”

    Me: “Oookay. What’s your wife’s name?”

    Customer: “[Name]. Or she might be under [Other Name]. I don’t know. Can you hurry up? I just want to go to sleep.”

    (The manager’s husband and I exchange looks. Both he and his wife are sick, and have work at seven in the morning. I’m surprised they didn’t just call the cops when they found a strange man in their room. After about twenty minutes, we manage to explain that there is no record of either the man or his wife checking into our hotel.)

    Customer: “Well, sh***! I know it was this hotel! Maybe she checked out and left me?”

    Me: “No, sir. Nobody’s checked out since this afternoon.”

    Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I don’t wanna sleep in my car!”

    Manager’s Husband: “You know what? You can always rent another room tonight, and we’ll sort this out in the morning.”

    Customer: “But I don’t wanna spend any more money!”

    Manager’s Husband: *red-eyed and fed up, but still smiling* “Well, you can’t stay with us!”

    (Eventually, we persuaded him to check into a room, and he went there to sleep off his hangover. When I came in to work the next night, I found out that he disappeared without a word during the day. We figured he went to the local drinking spot, got blitzed, and ended up at the wrong hotel. We never figured out how he got into the manager’s room, though!)

    You’re In His Sights

    | Bodø, Norway | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging

    (I work as a room attendant. It’s a busy day, with a lot of people moving about in the corridors. An elderly man approaches me briskly, and doesn’t stop until he has properly breached my comfort zone. I recognise him as a guest, though, one who is partially blind, so I put on a big and polite smile.)

    Guest: “Hey, you, can you help me find room number 444? Is it down this way?” *points down the corridor I’m currently in*

    Me: “Ah, no, sir. It’s in the other direction, but it’s past the conference halls. Do you want me to walk you there?”

    Guest: *briskly* “Yes.”

    Me: *smiles, nods and begins walking down in the right direction* “It’s down here, you see.”

    Guest: *suddenly angry* “NO I CAN’T SEE OR I WOULDN’T HAVE ASKED FOR HELP!”

    A Rested Development

    | Rapid City, SD, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Religion, Theme Of The Month

    (A guest due to check out comes to the front desk to extend her stay. It is a Sunday. I am not a Christian.)

    Guest: “Yes, I’d like to extend my stay one more night.”

    Me: “Okay, I just need your key cards, and I can re-make them for tonight.”

    Guest: “You know, we wanted to leave today, but it’s Sunday. It’s the Lord’s Day, the day of rest, so we’re doing as he commands.”

    Me: *blinking at this woman while rapidly coming up with a politically correct and professional answer* “There is no such thing as a day of rest in hospitality.”

    (The guest didn’t say another word while I took care of her reservation for another ‘day of rest.’)

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