His Story Isn’t Rat-ified

| Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am waiting to check in to a small hotel. When I walk up to the front desk, the concierge is answering the phone. The speaker is loud enough that I can follow most of the conversation.)

Concierge: “Hello, front desk.”

Caller: “There’s a squirrel in my room!”

Concierge: “A squirrel in your room? Please be careful, sir. We’ll send someone along right away to remove it.”

Caller: “Better hurry, it’s a big one! It opened the window!”

Concierge: “Sorry, did you say the squirrel was able to open the window?”

Caller: “Yeah, with its little hands!”

Concierge: “You should leave your room right now and we’ll send someone along.”

Concierge: *over the radio* “Security to room [number] to remove a squirrel, please.”

(I check in. As I do so, the concierge is very flustered and apologetic about the squirrel issue.)

Security: *radio* “Uh, front desk, this ain’t a squirrel.”

Concierge: “What? What is it?”

Security: “A raccoon. And the windows sealed shut.”

(My spouse works in animal control and I know we’re in an area that has a rabies problem, so I feel the need to speak up.)

Me: “There’s a rabies risk here, so you should really call animal control.”

Concierge: “Okay, I’m gonna—”

Security: “Also, this guy’s drunk as s***, and he’s telling me the raccoon is his pet cat.”

Concierge: “F*** it. I’m calling the cops.”

(Luckily, the raccoon was healthy, but the unfortunate hotel guest was deemed drunk, disorderly, and in possession of a local zoo’s stolen raccoon!)

The Price For Room To Improve

| Omaha, NE, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Money

Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

Caller: “What are your rooms at for Thursday night?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’ve sold out. Would you—”

Caller: “Okay, but what are the prices?”

Me: “Well, the prices are based on availability, so I can’t give an exact quote, but I can—”

Caller: “What do you mean?! Why can’t you just give me the price?!”

Me: “Well, based on other nights, it would be between $169 and $199, plus the local tax, but we are sold—”

Caller: “No! You’re not hearing me! What’s the exact amount!?!”

Me: “That would be $222.88, ma’am.”

Caller: *in a very condescending tone* “There! That wasn’t so hard, was it!?”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “So, how many of those do you have left?”

No Vocation For Location, Part 4

| Chicago, IL, USA | Geography, Hotels & Lodging, Tourists/Travel

(A nice German family is checking into the hotel around 10:30 at night.)

Father: “We have to be up early tomorrow. We’re driving to Disneyland tomorrow.”

Me: “Wow, that’s a heck of a drive. When do you think you’ll get there?”

Father: “I don’t know. I was hoping mid-afternoon.”

Me: “I think you might want to check your directions. California is 2,000 miles away.”

Father: “But it’s just the other side of the country.”

Me: “The US is a big country, sir.”

Related:
No Vocation For Location, Part 3
No Vocation For Location, Part 2
No Vocation For Location

Great Service, With Ifs And Butts

| Tampa Bay, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a concierge at an historic hotel in the downtown area, and a common call that I receive is to deal with is customers losing items in the rooms.)

Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [hotel]. This is [my name]. How can I be of service?”

Caller: “Hello, my name is [name] and I stayed a few nights there last weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I believe I may have, um, left some… jewellery in the room.”

Me: “Ah, well, I would be glad to ring the maid service and have them check their lost and found. Could you describe the item that you’re looking for?”

Caller: “Well, that’s the thing. You see, I kind of want you to be discreet about this.”

Me: “Of course sir; if you wish, I will check for the item myself.”

Caller: “That would be great. Now, what I’m looking for is very expensive; it’s silver with several small diamonds in it.”

Me: “Okay, sir, but what exactly is it?”

Caller: *obviously flustered at this point* “Well, um, it’s a…” *in a whisper* “…butt plug.”

Me: *I wasn’t really sure that I heard what I just heard.* “Excuse me, sir?”

Caller: “A butt plug? You know, for…”

Me:*interrupting* “Oh, yes, yes. I understand. Let me have your contact information and I will check the lost and found. But, to be honest, it is possible that it was thrown away, considering.”

Caller: “Oh, I hope not, that thing was very expensive! To be honest, I really just need to be careful where I leave that thing.”

(I almost died holding back laughter at this point.)

Caller: “Well, if it shows up you can call me at [phone number]. Thank you, young man, you’ve been very helpful. Just let me know!”

Someone Freed Willy

| College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

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