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    Pay Me Up, Scotty

    | South Carolina, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    Caller: “I would like to make a reservation.”

    Me: “Sure, we require a one night advance deposit to reserve a room. What type of card will you be using?”

    Caller: “I would like to pay that in cash.”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir. I am unable to take a cash payment over the phone.”

    Caller: “I called yesterday and was told that you accept cash.”

    Me: “That is correct, sir, we do accept cash. However you must be present to pay cash.”

    Caller: “But I have the cash right here!”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir, I am unable to take cash through the phone. I will either need a credit card number, or you are more than welcome to come to the hotel when you arrive and pay cash.”

    Caller: “Ugh, fine. Here is my credit card number!”

    Related:
    Fax Me Up, Scotty

    Jacket Of All Trades

    | State College, PA, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    (For a small period of time during training for a new job, I worked 2nd shift at a chain hotel, then immediately worked 3rd shift at my new job at a four-star hotel. A guest returns to my desk a few minutes after checking in at the chain hotel.)

    Guest: “This hotel is not acceptable! My room looks nothing like I saw on the website! There’s no way I’m staying here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry we don’t meet your standards, ma’am. I would be glad to check you out at no fee.”

    Guest: “Good! I’m going to find a place to stay that’s actually acceptable!”

    (She storms off. Later that evening, I go to my 3rd shift job. All I need to do is put on a suit jacket over the shirt and tie I have on for the 1st job. Skip ahead to about 6:30 AM the next morning. The same guest approaches me at the front desk of the four-star hotel.)

    Guest: *without recognizing me* “Checking out.”

    Me: “You made the right choice, ma’am.”

    Guest: “Excuse me?”

    (I open my suit jacket a bit to show her the name tag I still have on underneath, from the first hotel, clearly displaying its logo.)

    Me: “I hope everything was better for you here instead, ma’am. I prefer it more, too.”

    Guest: *clearly embarrassed* “Oh, yeah, it was. Thanks.”

    Physically Checked In, Mentally Checked Out

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I’m almost done checking in a hotel guest and am giving them the customary closing spiel.)

    Me: “We have a full hot buffet breakfast from 6-10 AM, which is included in your room rate. There is wireless internet throughout, with no password needed to log on. The pool, hot-tub, and gym are at the end of the hallway on the first floor here, and is open from 8 AM to 10 PM. Please let me know if you have any questions. Someone is at the desk 24/7.”

    Guest: “Thank you so much. You’ve been so helpful!”

    Me: “Okay, here are your room keys. The room number is written inside and the elevator is around the corner.”

    Guest: “Great, thanks! Oh, I was just wondering, do you have a breakfast?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we do. It’s from 6-10 AM tomorrow, down here next to the lobby in the breakfast room.”

    (I point to room right next to lobby.)

    Guest: “Okay. Now, I have a laptop. Do you have wireless internet and what’s the password to log on?”

    Me: “Yes, there’s wireless throughout the hotel; there is no password.”

    Guest: “Where’s your gym? Are you open now?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s open until 10 PM. It’s down the hallways.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay. I just wanted to ask everything before you went home for the day because there’s no one here after midnight, I assume.”

    Me: “As I mentioned, there is someone at the desk 24/7.”

    (The guest’s girlfriend/wife, who has been waiting in the car, comes in.)

    Wife: “What’s taking so long?”

    Guest: “I have to ask all these questions because she didn’t tell me anything about the hotel when I checked in!”

    Me: *shakes head and just smiles*

    Guest: “Oh, where’s our room number? You never told me it!”

    Things People Say When Stalling

    | Bozeman, MT, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    (I work housekeeping at a hotel. We knock and give the guest a few moments of privacy before we enter.)

    Me: *knocking* “Housekeeping!”

    Guest: “Who’s there?”

    Me: “Housekeeping!”

    Guest: “What kind?”

    Fully Booked, Literally

    | North Carolina, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Wild & Unruly

    (An older gentleman comes in. I get his ID and other information and begin the check-in process. After I’ve entered everything and tell him that the total is ~$90, he shows me a coupon in a book that he was hiding behind his back.)

    Customer: “I’d like to use the coupon in this book to get the room for $57.99.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a limited number of rooms we are able to sell at that rate. Do you happen to be a member of AAA or AARP?”

    Customer: “No, and I want the room at this price! If you’re not going to give it to me for this price, don’t print it in the d*** book!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. I see you’ve never stayed with us before. I can give you a first-time discount, which would bring the price of the room down to $65.”

    Customer: “You will give me the room for $57.99 like it says in the book! Get a real job! Loser kids…” *mumbles*

    Me: “I’m a college student and I work full-time.”

    Customer: “I don’t give a d***! F*** you!” *throws book at me*

    (I duck just in time. The book hits the wall behind me.)

    Me: “Have a great night, sir!”

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