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  • A Sky High Request

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    Customer: “Come quick! There’s a weird loud noise!”

    Me: “Is it the air conditioner? Is it another guest?”

    Customer: “No, it’s neither of those! I don’t know what it is but it’s keeping me up!”

    (I go to see.)

    Customer: “You hear it? It’s here.”

    (I hear a faint thud thud thud noise.)

    Me: “Sir, I think that’s a helicopter outside.”

    Customer: “It keeps coming back. What are you go to do about it?”

    Me: “Sir that’s probably a government helicopter. I can’t call the government and tell it not to go.”

    Customer: “Stupid government!”

    Can’t Keep Account Of The Year

    | NB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging, Time

    (I work at the front desk of a hotel and I take a call.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for this Monday for three rooms.”

    Me: “Absolutely! Have you stayed with us before?”

    Customer: “Yes, I have, and I am set up with a direct billing account as well. It’s under [Company Name].”

    (I search but find nothing in the system for this company.)

    Me: “Hmm, I can’t seem to find you here. Have you stayed with us recently? As in, the last 12 months?”

    Customer: “Ugh, YES! Why does this happen every time I make a reservation with you all?! We were here a couple months ago and we went through this same ordeal and I’m not re-sending any information!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve probably just spelled it wrong. [Company Name] is an acronym, yes? I’ll find it one way or another.”

    Customer: “You’d better!”

    (I look under every possible spelling of the name and find nothing. I attempt to find her most recent reservation, hoping that the company profile info is attached to it but find nothing at all. The entire time she is sighing heavily and telling me how angry she is with our company for never having her account on file.)

    Customer: “This is unacceptable! Every time I call you guys I have to re-send all the information! I keep telling your manager to keep my account open until further notice. Yet you people keep closing my account. This is unbelievable!”

    (I know for a fact this is not the case. Our system is set up to automatically delete any profile or account after 12 months of inactivity due to the large volume of company accounts we have being created all the time. Also, we can only access accounts created at our own hotel, not others within our chain. I try gently to explain all this but she insists none of this applies to her situation.)

    Customer: “Ugh, fine. Just make sure I have three rooms, all under [Customer] for Monday at the corporate rate. I should get them free though for all this trouble! Is your pool actually working this time?”

    Me: “Um… yes, of course. Everything here is always in good working order.”

    Customer: “Well, it wasn’t the last time! The pool was out of order the entire four days we were there. My employees asked me to make sure it was working this time. Also the time before that the restaurant was closed for renovations. You guys just don’t seem to be with it, EVER!”

    Me: “Are you absolutely certain that the last time you stayed here the pool was out of order?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “You never stayed here after that time, and the restaurant was definitely closed the time before that?”

    Customer: “Yes, why? Am I being compensated now?”

    Me: “Okay… Ma’am, I think I see the problem here and I know why you’ve had to reopen your account with us. Our pool was out of order two and a half years ago. We did some major renovations to prepare for the summer season. That is nearly 30 months ago which is much more than 12 so the system definitely would have deleted your AR account and company profile.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t realize it was so long ago. Well, fine! But the time before that was just a couple months…”

    Me: “Also, we don’t have a restaurant. The only hotel in the our chain in this province that has a restaurant is in [Major City Four Hours Away]. I remember they had a kitchen fire around Halloween 2011 and had to close for a few weeks for repairs. We wouldn’t have been able to access your profile or account at your next visit. ”

    Customer: “Uh…”

    Me: “Hey, at least we know this wasn’t the result of our employees incompetence though, right? Would you like our fax number so you can forward us your information to set up an account and profile?”

    Customer: “Yes. Yes, but you should have been clearer! It felt like we were just there, and how should I know 12 months is less than two years?”

    Me: “There are 12 months in a year—”

    Customer: “YOU SHOULD HAVE A RESTAURANT!” *click*

    This Conversation Has No Cardinal Directions

    | ID, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Hotels & Lodging

    (In college, I worked for a large chain hotel that had several different locations, though each had a different title and some were owned by different companies. A customer calls me up for directions:)

    Customer: “Can you tell me why I’m at the Hotel Safari, not the Hotel Lodge?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I got off my plane at the airport, and the guy at [Car Rental Company] told me to go here, and it’s not the right hotel!”

    Me: “I apologize that happened to you. Can I give you directions to our hotel?”

    Customer: “I want you to explain how you let this happen.”

    Me: “I don’t… I don’t work for the car rental company. Someone sent you to the wrong hotel. I don’t know why they did that.”

    Customer: “You could have called them to make sure they know where your f****** hotel is!”

    Me: ” Would you like me to give you directions?”

    (After going back and forth for a few minutes, he finally agrees to let me give him directions.)

    Me: “So you’re still at the Hotel Safari, right?”

    Customer: “No, I’m driving around looking for your f****** hotel.”

    Me: “Can you tell me what street you’re on?”

    Customer: “Did you listen to what I’m saying, buddy? I’m not from here. I don’t know the streets.”

    Me: “Can you look at a street sign and tell me what it says?”

    Customer: *tells me the street name*

    Me: “Okay, I need you to go south, that will take you to the freeway on-ramp.”

    Customer: “Buddy, I am not from here! How am I supposed to know which way that is?”

    Me: “South is the same direction no matter what city you’re in.”

    Customer: “That’s not true.”

    (We argue about that, until I finally ask him where the setting sun is, on his right or on his left. We argue about the sun, too, until he tells me that it’s on his right.)

    Me: “So the sun sets in the west. If the setting sun is on your right, that means you’re facing south, and I just need you to drive the same direction you’re on down that street, and get on the freeway.”

    Customer: “Well how will I know where the freeway is?”

    Me: “Uh…” *I pause, not knowing how to phrase this without sounding rude*

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s a problem, isn’t it, buddy?”

    Me: “No, I’m just wondering if you’ve ever seen a freeway before.”

    (He insists that I stay on the phone with him and navigate him all the way to the hotel. Finally, he gets in the door, and is just as snippy as I ask him to fill out the guest information form and sign his name.)

    Customer: “I didn’t mean to be rude with you, but you have to realize I’m not from here.”

    Me: “I apologize. No one ever taught me how to give directions without using street names or cardinal directions.”

    (He started to get angry, and then realized I have a point. He took his keys and went to his room, and I never heard from him again.)

    Fools Give Vent To Their Rage

    | Portland, OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (We have a full house of baseball teams, 14-16-year-old boys. At approximately 11 pm, a mother comes up to the front desk.)

    Mother: “Why is there pornography on channel 16? We obviously didn’t order anything!”

    (We don’t have the option to order movies or pornography, so we look up what channel this was and find out it’s our [Cable Channel] channel playing a movie called ‘Erotic Engagement.’)

    Me: “Ma’am, that is our premium channel [Cable Channel], which is commonly known for playing adult themed movies this late at night. Our suggestion would be to keep an eye on your team as to not be watching [Cable Channel] this late at night.”

    Mother: “That is not [Cable Channel]. That is graphic pornography. You either refund my stay or we will check out right now.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I understand your frustration, but again, we do not have pornographic channels—”

    Mother: “You obviously don’t know what you are talking about and now my child is scarred for life. I hope you are happy and I hope God strikes you down for your disregard for protecting us from that filth!”

    Me: “Proverbs 29:11, if you want to get biblical. Have a nice night, ma’am.”

    (The scripture states: ‘Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.’)

    Their Own Private Joke

    | Spain | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Tourists/Travel

    (This happens on a class trip to Spain after a girl realizes she left her comb at home.)

    Girl: *walks up to front desk* “Do you have any combs?”

    Employee: “No hablo Ingles.”

    Girl: *in Spanish* “Necesito un pene, por favor.”

    Employee: *laughs hysterically*

    Girl: *angry* “Hey! Necesito un pene!” *pantomimes brushing hair*

    Employee: *realizes what’s going on, takes out comb, and hands it to girl*

    Girl: “Sí!”

    Employee: “Ese es ‘un peine.’” *That’s ‘un peine.’* “Un pene es:” *points to his privates*

    Girl: “Oh. S***!”

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