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    Great Service, With Ifs And Butts

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I am a concierge at an historic hotel in the downtown area, and a common call that I receive is to deal with is customers losing items in the rooms.)

    Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [hotel]. This is [my name]. How can I be of service?”

    Caller: “Hello, my name is [name] and I stayed a few nights there last weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I believe I may have, um, left some… jewellery in the room.”

    Me: “Ah, well, I would be glad to ring the maid service and have them check their lost and found. Could you describe the item that you’re looking for?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s the thing. You see, I kind of want you to be discreet about this.”

    Me: “Of course sir; if you wish, I will check for the item myself.”

    Caller: “That would be great. Now, what I’m looking for is very expensive; it’s silver with several small diamonds in it.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, but what exactly is it?”

    Caller: *obviously flustered at this point* “Well, um, it’s a…” *in a whisper* “…butt plug.”

    Me: *I wasn’t really sure that I heard what I just heard.* “Excuse me, sir?”

    Caller: “A butt plug? You know, for…”

    Me:*interrupting* “Oh, yes, yes. I understand. Let me have your contact information and I will check the lost and found. But, to be honest, it is possible that it was thrown away, considering.”

    Caller: “Oh, I hope not, that thing was very expensive! To be honest, I really just need to be careful where I leave that thing.”

    (I almost died holding back laughter at this point.)

    Caller: “Well, if it shows up you can call me at [phone number]. Thank you, young man, you’ve been very helpful. Just let me know!”

    Someone Freed Willy

    | College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

    Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

    Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

    Drunkenness Can Give Birth To Wordlessness

    | California, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (A husband and wife are staying at our hotel because they are visiting the wife’s father, whose own wife is giving birth. One evening, the husband and father-in-law come stumbling into our front office.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Husband: “Quick, I need… um…” *turns to father-in-law* “What’s the word…”

    Father-In-Law: *shrugs*

    (The husband says the word several times in another language. My coworker hears this and approaches.)

    Coworker: *to me* “I got it.”

    (My coworker speaks to them in the language they were speaking. She then nods, calls them a taxi, and enters a note on their account for the manager.)

    Me: “What was that about?”

    Coworker: “Well, you know how he and his wife were here to celebrate with her dad?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, well, since his wife is pregnant and can’t drink, he and his father-in-law were in the hotel bar alone. The father-in-law wanted to tell him he was ordering traditional Irish baby gifts when they got a call that his wife had gone into labor.”

    Me: “Oh wow! That’s great! Wait… what was he confused about, then?”

    Coworker: “Oh, they were too drunk to remember the English words for ‘hospital’ and ‘taxi’.”

    Me: “I’m so glad you weren’t on your lunch break!”

    Disturbingly Dense, Part 2

    | Michigan, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (We are a small hotel in an even smaller town. Because of our size, we only have housekeeping until about 1 pm. After that, the front desk can stock towels and things, but we don’t fully clean the room.)

    Guest: “We left at 9:30 this morning to go out for the day. It is now 12:50 and we still don’t have maid service!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. We can have housekeeping come up immediately and clean that for you.”

    Guest: “Absolutely not! We will be here for an hour. Then you can get in!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we do not have 24 hour housekeeping service. Housekeeping is not offered after 1 pm.”

    Guest: “But we put out our sign!”

    Me: “The sign on the inside of the door? Your ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign?”

    (Upon saying this, the guest realizes that they are in error.)

    Guest: “Well, yeah… but they should’ve know we weren’t in here!”

    Me: “If there is a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign up, sir, they are not supposed to disturb you.”

    Guest: “You are incompetent! I demand to speak to a manager!”

    Me: “You’re speaking to her, sir.”

    Guest: *click*

    Related:
    Disturbingly Dense

    How About We Show You The Door

    | England, UK | Hotels & Lodging, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I overhear this as I’m checking in to a hotel in England.)

    Guest: *with an American accent* “You chauvinistic pig! I can open doors by myself, you know!”

    Employee: “Madam, I’m the doorman…”


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