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    Check Out With A Check

    | Fort Lauderdale, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a small, boutique hotel. At about 6:15 am, a guest comes up to the desk to check out.)

    Me: “How was your stay, ma’am?”

    Guest: “Great!”

    Me: “I see that there was a cash deposit on the room. Unfortunately, as you were told at check-in, we are not able to process the deposit at this time, as it is locked in the safe, and the person who can open it will not be here until 9 am. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

    Guest: “That’s unacceptable! I can’t believe you are refusing to give me my money! I am going to complain to Corporate. Now give me my money!”

    Me: “I am sorry, but I as I just explained to you, I am unable to do that at this time.”

    Guest: “I don’t care! What a rip-off! You will give me my money now! I am not coming back to this h***-hole!”

    Me: “No problem; we will send a check to the address we have on file.”

    Me: “That’s not acceptable! I demand you f****** crooks give me my money!”

    (This goes on for another 10 minutes; every time I try to explain the issues, she cuts me off. Finally, I have had enough.)

    Me: *firmly* “Madam! If you would allow me to finish, the only guest we have on record for that room is a 32-year-old man. Is Mr. [Name] with you?”

    Guest: “No! He said I could get it for him. Now give me my money!”

    Me: “In that case, ma’am, I’m afraid you just don’t get it.”

    Guest: ” Listen, fat-a**. Give me my money, or I’ll break your face!”

    Me: “We have no authority to let anyone besides the registered guest receive those funds, after the room has been inspected, and the safe has been opened. Now, this conversation is over! Please leave the property before I call the police to have you removed.”

    (My boss has just come in, and he also orders her off the property. When she tries to go after him, he instructs me to call 911. We finally get her to leave before the police arrive. My boss turns to me.)

    Boss: “You’re too patient! She’s probably a hooker trying to score herself a tip! Call 911 first next time!”

    All Buttoned Up And Going Nowhere

    | Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Technology

    (A guest calls from the elevator to the front desk.)

    Guest: “Um yeah. Your elevator is not working.”

    Me: “What seems to be wrong, ma’am?”

    Guest: “It won’t move anywhere.”

    Me: “Okay, I will be right down to check it out.”

    (I go to the elevator. The guest is on the first floor, hitting the ’1′ button.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you are on the first floor hitting the first floor button.”

    (She was quite embarrassed. I can’t say I blame her!)

    Not Quite Seasoned With The Omelet Station

    , | Nashville, TN, USA | Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

    (I work for a hotel with a complimentary breakfast that includes a made-to-order omelet station. I am making the omelets in plain sight of the customers, with all of my ingredients on display. A customer walks up and ignores a sign with ingredients listed and bowls on display, full of veggies.)

    Customer: “I want an omelet with all the vegetables.”

    Me: “Okay, all of the vegetables including the ja—”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “YES! All of them.”

    Me: “Okay, because we have—”

    Customer: *walks off*

    (I make an omelet with all of the vegetables, and call it out when it’s done. She comes and picks it up and walks off with out a word. About two minutes later, she comes back. Her face is red, and there are tears running down her face.)

    Customer: “I didn’t realize you had jalapeños!”

    Convicted By His Convictions

    | Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Religion, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work in a five-star hotel in Amsterdam. It is standard policy that guests give their credit card number upon check-in, or a cash deposit if they do not have a credit card. If they use up a lot of their credit, sometimes reception has to contact the guest for an extra cash deposit. We notice on a Saturday that a guest has completely spent his deposit on watching pay TV of a certain explicit nature. My coworker rings the guest in his room with the request that he should come down to reception to give us more cash.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Well, that did not go down very well. He says he did not spend any of his deposit, and he is coming down to reception to see the bill after he is finished praying.”

    (At that moment, the elevator door opens and man in full Jewish prayer garb steps out.)

    Guest: “I have just been called about my bill, and I would like to see it.”

    Coworker: “Sure, I have already printed it out. As you can see, you have watched TV here, here and here, and that is why your balance is so low.”

    Guest: “There is no way I watched that filth! Look at me! Do I look like a man who would watch that sort of shocking thing? I don’t understand that a hotel would subject its guests to that kind of immoral muck in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that! God-fearing people like I should be protected from accidentally zapping to those kinds of channels.”

    Coworker: “Well, sir, you did not accidentally zap to that channel. You have to type your room number to activate this program. After five minutes, you get a message on screen that you have to start paying now, and type in the room number again. Then the system asks you to press the confirm button. You cannot do all that by accident. Furthermore, I can see in the records that you watched this channel on three different days for more than two hours at a time. This indicates to me that you have watched a full movie on all these occasions, so I am not satisfied that you accidentally landed on this channel for a few seconds.”

    (The guest throws a few banknotes in my coworker’s face and marches off.)

    Me: *to coworker* “I have a feeling this is not the end of it”.

    (At that moment, the phone rings, and I can see the guest’s room number in the display.)

    Me: *to coworker* “It’s your friend from the pay TV room; you’d better take this call.”

    Coworker: *on the phone to the guest* “Yes, sir, you told me that you could not understand that a hotel would subject its guests to that kind of immoral muck in the first place, that you did not want anything to do with that, and that God-fearing people like you should be protected from accidentally zapping to that kind of channels. So I put the child lock on so that you did not have to be subjected to the filth anymore. Have a nice day…”

    Womb Mates Looking To Be Room Mates

    | IA, USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a nighttime desk clerk at a hotel. Two teenage boys enter.)

    Older Boy: “Yeah, we’d like a room for the night.”

    Me: *suspicious* “Okay, I’ll need to see some ID.”

    (The older boy hands over his ID.)

    Me: “This says you’re only 17. I can’t give you a room unless you’re 18, especially if you’re checking in with someone else. Besides, I can’t even tell if this is you. The picture’s all smudged out.”

    Older Boy: “Oh wait, that’s not my ID. It’s my twin brother’s ID.”

    Me: “Your twin brother…”

    Older Boy: “Yeah! I mean, can’t you see the family resemblance?”


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