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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Locked, Off The Clock, And Blocked

    | California, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m a night auditor at a hotel. I’m doing some paperwork at 4am when a mildly perturbed customer comes to the front desk. He says that his key isn’t working, so I reprogram it and he leaves. He comes back a few minutes later, fuming, saying that the key is still not working. I decide to go to his room and try it myself, and confirm that it’s not working. I try my master key, but still nothing.)

    Me: “I’m sorry about this, sir. I’ll get the maintenance guy up here in a few minutes. He’s off the clock, but lives in the hotel.”

    Guest: “So, what are you going to do to fix this? Are you going to comp my room? Do you just want to give me some blankets and pillows so I can sleep on the f***ing floor?!”

    Me: “Like I said, sir, the maintenance guy is on his way. If this is our fault, we can gladly give you a discount pending manager approval.”

    Guest: “See that you do! This is f***ing ridiculous!”

    (I return to the front desk, and the maintenance guy comes to pick up his tools. He starts to walk towards the room when the customer bursts in.)

    Guest: “I demand to see a manager!”

    Me: “Sorry, but the manager isn’t in right now.”

    Guest: “Then give me your name!” *snaps his fingers at the maintenance guy* “And you, hurry your a** up! Freaking ridiculous!”

    (10 minutes later, the poor maintenance guy comes back to the front desk.)

    Me: “How’d it go?”

    Maintenance Guy: “You were right; he was an a**hole.”

    Me: “I told you. What happened with the door? Did you get it open?”

    Maintenance Guy: “You’re not going to believe this. I start to jimmy the door open, and the noise woke the guy’s grandma, who was sleeping inside, and had hard-locked the door. She opened the door, I flipped the lock, and the key worked perfectly.”

    Me: “Wow. Did he say anything?”

    Maintenance Guy: “He still wanted a full refund!”

    His Story Isn’t Rat-ified

    | Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am waiting to check in to a small hotel. When I walk up to the front desk, the concierge is answering the phone. The speaker is loud enough that I can follow most of the conversation.)

    Concierge: “Hello, front desk.”

    Caller: “There’s a squirrel in my room!”

    Concierge: “A squirrel in your room? Please be careful, sir. We’ll send someone along right away to remove it.”

    Caller: “Better hurry, it’s a big one! It opened the window!”

    Concierge: “Sorry, did you say the squirrel was able to open the window?”

    Caller: “Yeah, with its little hands!”

    Concierge: “You should leave your room right now and we’ll send someone along.”

    Concierge: *over the radio* “Security to room [number] to remove a squirrel, please.”

    (I check in. As I do so, the concierge is very flustered and apologetic about the squirrel issue.)

    Security: *radio* “Uh, front desk, this ain’t a squirrel.”

    Concierge: “What? What is it?”

    Security: “A raccoon. And the windows sealed shut.”

    (My spouse works in animal control and I know we’re in an area that has a rabies problem, so I feel the need to speak up.)

    Me: “There’s a rabies risk here, so you should really call animal control.”

    Concierge: “Okay, I’m gonna—”

    Security: “Also, this guy’s drunk as s***, and he’s telling me the raccoon is his pet cat.”

    Concierge: “F*** it. I’m calling the cops.”

    (Luckily, the raccoon was healthy, but the unfortunate hotel guest was deemed drunk, disorderly, and in possession of a local zoo’s stolen raccoon!)

    The Price For Room To Improve

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Money

    Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “What are your rooms at for Thursday night?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we’ve sold out. Would you—”

    Caller: “Okay, but what are the prices?”

    Me: “Well, the prices are based on availability, so I can’t give an exact quote, but I can—”

    Caller: “What do you mean?! Why can’t you just give me the price?!”

    Me: “Well, based on other nights, it would be between $169 and $199, plus the local tax, but we are sold—”

    Caller: “No! You’re not hearing me! What’s the exact amount!?!”

    Me: “That would be $222.88, ma’am.”

    Caller: *in a very condescending tone* “There! That wasn’t so hard, was it!?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “So, how many of those do you have left?”

    No Vocation For Location, Part 4

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Geography, Hotels & Lodging, Tourists/Travel

    (A nice German family is checking into the hotel around 10:30 at night.)

    Father: “We have to be up early tomorrow. We’re driving to Disneyland tomorrow.”

    Me: “Wow, that’s a heck of a drive. When do you think you’ll get there?”

    Father: “I don’t know. I was hoping mid-afternoon.”

    Me: “I think you might want to check your directions. California is 2,000 miles away.”

    Father: “But it’s just the other side of the country.”

    Me: “The US is a big country, sir.”

    Related:
    No Vocation For Location, Part 3
    No Vocation For Location, Part 2
    No Vocation For Location

    Great Service, With Ifs And Butts

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I am a concierge at an historic hotel in the downtown area, and a common call that I receive is to deal with is customers losing items in the rooms.)

    Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [hotel]. This is [my name]. How can I be of service?”

    Caller: “Hello, my name is [name] and I stayed a few nights there last weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I believe I may have, um, left some… jewellery in the room.”

    Me: “Ah, well, I would be glad to ring the maid service and have them check their lost and found. Could you describe the item that you’re looking for?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s the thing. You see, I kind of want you to be discreet about this.”

    Me: “Of course sir; if you wish, I will check for the item myself.”

    Caller: “That would be great. Now, what I’m looking for is very expensive; it’s silver with several small diamonds in it.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, but what exactly is it?”

    Caller: *obviously flustered at this point* “Well, um, it’s a…” *in a whisper* “…butt plug.”

    Me: *I wasn’t really sure that I heard what I just heard.* “Excuse me, sir?”

    Caller: “A butt plug? You know, for…”

    Me:*interrupting* “Oh, yes, yes. I understand. Let me have your contact information and I will check the lost and found. But, to be honest, it is possible that it was thrown away, considering.”

    Caller: “Oh, I hope not, that thing was very expensive! To be honest, I really just need to be careful where I leave that thing.”

    (I almost died holding back laughter at this point.)

    Caller: “Well, if it shows up you can call me at [phone number]. Thank you, young man, you’ve been very helpful. Just let me know!”


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