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    They Made An Unsafe Assumption

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging

    (A guest calls down to the front desk.)

    Guest: “Hi. Yeah, umm. How do I get the microwave in the room working?”

    Me: “Sorry, Mrs. [Name], but we don’t have any microwaves in the room.”

    Guest: “Yes, you do. It’s on the 2nd shelf of the closet, has a digital screen and my frozen pizza in it, but it won’t start.”

    Me: “Madam is this microwave black and with a thick steel door?”

    Guest: “Yes.”

    Me: “That is not a microwave, but the in-room safe, Mrs. [Name].”

    Guest: “Oh!” *obviously embarrassed* “That explains why there was a power outlet on the inside…Thank you.” *click*

    Half-Brain

    | Yosemite National Park, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Tourists/Travel

    (A tourist walks up to me at the front desk.)

    Tourist: “Is that Half Dome outside?”

    Me: “Half Dome is one of the many mountain features outside if you face east.”

    Tourist: “Which one is it?”

    Me: “It is the one that is exactly half of a granite dome… to the east.”

    Tourist: “How much concrete was used to make it?”

    Me: “… Seriously?”

    Tourist: *stares blankly at me*

    Me: “I couldn’t tell you, but they decided to ditch the building project once they ran out of re-bar.”

    Trying To Run A Monkey Business

    | IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Hotels & Lodging, Money, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a hotel in a college town. It is quite common to require a two-night minimum purchase when booking a room for a special event weekend such as a football game, graduation, etc.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I was wondering if you had any rooms available for this coming Friday.”

    Me: “We do have a few rooms available; however it is a two-night minimum for both Friday and Saturday night.”

    Caller: “Okay, I have to ask you the same as the last hotel I called. What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you?”

    Me: “… Excuse me?”

    Caller: “What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you? Why would you even think that I would want a room for two nights if the football game is only one day?!”

    Me: “We require a two night minimum stay for all special event weekends, ma’am. It’s quite a common policy here.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what your policy says. It’s just stupid! You’re just insane!”

    Me: “… Okay.”

    Caller: “If your two night minimum is so common, then why did the 12 other hotels that I called that were sold-out not say anything about a two night minimum, then. Huh?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, if they are sold out that means they don’t have any more rooms to sell you at their property, so the two night minimum wouldn’t really matter for them because they don’t have anything.”

    Caller: “See! You said it doesn’t matter.”

    Me: “Our minimum is still in effect for the few remaining rooms we have.”

    Caller: “You’re just a brainless monkey!”

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Caller: “No. Goodbye!” *click*

    Me: “And here I thought I was just a desk monkey.”

    No Man-Maid Fantasies

    | Bodø, Norway | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    Me: *knocks on the door* “Housekeeping!”

    (I hear the voice of the male guest inside.)

    Guest: “Like a maid?”

    Me: “Uh… yes, I suppose.”

    Guest: “Are you wearing a maid’s outfit?”

    Me: “I can bet money that it’s not the outfit you are mentally picturing right now, sir.”

    Guest Relations Gone Bitter

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

    (Our hotel offers free coffee to any guest. One day a man walks in. It’s obvious that he’s not a guest.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get a coffee?”

    Me: “Well… I guess so. Just this once.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (He drinks it and goes away. The next day he comes in and asks again.)

    Customer: “Can I…?”

    Me: “No. I’m sorry but that is only for the guests.”

    Customer: “WHY NOT?! You said I could!”

    Me: “I meant for just that day yesterday. Not every day!”

    Customer: “Well, you should have specified!”

    Me: “I did.”

    Customer: “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going to have a coffee if I want to! It’s my right!”

    (He marches over to the coffee. I call a manager and explain the situation. The manager goes to speak with him.)

    Manager: “You cannot have free coffee here. It’s for the guests only.”

    Customer: “She said I could!”

    (The man marches off. Every morning after that, he would march in without saying anything, grab his coffee, and march out. Eventually he was banned.)


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