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    It’s Never Too Late To Find Your Higher Calling, Part 2

    | Northridge, CA, USA |

    (A frantic, middle-aged man rushes to the check-in counter at my hospital.)

    Patient: “I need a doctor!”

    Me: “What’s seems to be your problem, sir?”

    Patient: “I don’t feel good! My heartbeat is racing fast! I can’t see straight. I need a doctor NOW!”

    Me: “Sir, please calm down. When did you start having these symptoms? Did you take any medication today?”

    Patient: “I don’t know! It started after I smoked that joint. It was my first time!”

    Related:
    It’s Never Too Late To Find Your Higher Calling

    Much Askew About Nothing

    | MD, USA | Top

    (A client walks into clinic as the floors are being mopped. She notices the ‘wet floor’ sign, and immediately starts flailing around as if she’s slipping.)

    Me: “I haven’t mopped that part of the lobby yet.”

    (The client immediately stops her dramatics.)

    Client: “Oh, okay.”

    Romance Isn’t Dead, It’s Just Asleep

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    (A patient is signing consents. They will receive conscious sedation before a small, outpatient surgery.)

    Patient: “So, when I get upstairs, they’re going to seduce me?”

    Physician, Heal Thyself

    | Pawtucket, RI, USA |

    Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

    Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

    Caller: “Not specific ones.”

    Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

    Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

    Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

    Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

    A-Pee-l For An Appointment

    | OR, USA | Health & Body

    (Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)

    Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon if you’d like?”

    Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”

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