A Quack Of All Trades

| Springfield, MA, USA | Health & Body

(I work at the information desk in a section of the hospital allocated for renting to private practices. It’s a pretty large building, so we get a lot of patients asking directions to a certain doctor’s office.)

Patient: “I have an appointment at 2:00. Where do I go?”

Me: “Well, this is a large building with a lot of doctors in it. Who did you need to see?”

Patient: “I don’t know. Can’t you look it up? My name is [name].”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the doctors’ schedules. Do you remember what kind of doctor it was? General practitioner, cardiologist—”

Patient: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “What were you seeing the doctor for?”

Patient: “My kidneys, I think…”

(I start going through the list of doctors looking for nephrologists.)

Me: “Does [nephrologist] sound familiar?”

Patient: “I don’t remember! Just tell me where my appointment is!”

Never Get Between A Man And His Metabolism

| Singapore | Food & Drink, Health & Body

Me: “So, you can’t consume any food or drink after 12 midnight today—”

Patient: “Do you want me to starve to death?”

Me: “Actually, sir, you’re one of the earlier cases. Your reporting time is at 9:30 am.”

Patient: “I’ll still starve to death! What the h*** are you people trying to do, kill me?!”

Brains Over Brawn

| Germany | Food & Drink

(I work as a patient coordinator in an outpatient clinic. In our waiting room, we have a coffee machine that has three options on it: mild, regular, and bold. To use it, one simply opens up the compartment and places a single packet on the tray.)

Coworker: “There’s coffee everywhere in the waiting room!”

(I go to check it out. There is coffee all in the general area, on a patient, who is unhurt, and all of her papers. I ask the patient what happened)

Patient: “Your coffee machine is terrible; that’s what happened! Your coffee is so weak and I tried to make it stronger! Then, it shot coffee everywhere!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that! Let me see what I can do.”

(I open the coffee machine to see that the patient has shoved two coffee packets in the compartment, which clearly is supposed to take one. It’s a wonder the machine didn’t break.)

Me: “Ma’am, did you place two coffee packets in the compartment?”

Patient: “Of course! How else can I make it stronger?”

Me: *noticing the “Mild” option is selected* “Next time, please press the button that says ‘Bold’.”

Related:
Brawn Over Brains

America: Land Of The Delusional

| Boston, MA, USA | Bigotry

(I am an Asian American girl without any accent. I’m working the information desk in a busy, urban hospital setting. An older, kindly woman approaches my desk.)

Woman: *in a perfect Irish brogue* “I just wanted to ask you a question.”

Me: “Sure. What can I help you with?”

Woman: “Are you American?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Woman: *smiles kindly* “No, you’re not.” *walks away*

It’ll Go Away If You’re Belieber

| Illinois, USA | Family & Kids, Top

(I work as a nurse in hospital in Illinois. Keep in mind where quite busy at the moment. A woman rushes up to me dragging a preteen girl behind her.)

Woman: “Help! Please help! My daughter needs a vaccine!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I need to know what the vaccine is for. Do you have an appointment?”

Woman: “No! I don’t have any appointment! My daughter has a fever!”

Daughter: “Mom! I don’t have a fever!”

Woman: *still looking at me* “Her aunt told me she has it! The Heever Fever!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you trying to say ‘Bieber Fever’?”

Woman: “Yes! That!”

Daughter: “Mom! You’re embarrassing me!”

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