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    Physician, Heal Thyself

    | Pawtucket, RI, USA |

    Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

    Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

    Caller: “Not specific ones.”

    Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

    Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

    Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

    Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

    A-Pee-l For An Appointment

    | OR, USA | Health & Body

    (Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)

    Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon if you’d like?”

    Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”

    A Dead Giveaway

    | TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I am answering the switchboard for a large hospital.)

    Caller: “Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me what phone company the hospital uses?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. The person that has that information left at 5:00 p.m. But if you call our purchasing office in the morning, they can tell you.”

    Caller: “Oh, no! It is a matter of grave importance that I find out right now!”

    Me: “What is the situation? Maybe I can help?”

    Caller: “My grandmother died there about a week ago and she didn’t have a will. I know for a fact that all the phone companies record all of our conversations. So, I thought maybe grandma called someone while she was in the hospital and told them what she left me.”

    Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

    | UK |

    (I’m a nurse in the UK. I’m letting a family of American tourists know that their son, who has recovered from a fever, as been discharged from hospital.)

    Me: “Mr & Mrs [name] I’ve got some good news! Your son is fine and has been discharged. You can continue your holiday now!”

    Father: “How much do we owe you? Do you need our insurance details?”

    Me: “Oh nothing, your son did not need any medication. There will be no bills at all.”

    Father: “Free? But what about consultation fees?”

    Me: “Yes, free. Consultation is covered by our national health service.”

    Father: “Free, like communism?”

    Me: “Well, I guess you could say it’s sort of socialist.”

    Father: “So we owe you nothing?”

    Me: “Nope, not a penny.”

    Father: “If I go home and cancel my health insurance, then get sick, I’ll get my medical treatment for free if I fly to the UK!?”

    Me: “Not unless you had travel insurance, or lived in a country we have a medical agreement with. The US health care system is private so we can’t make an agreement.”

    Father: “But you just said the UK was communist!? If it’s communist health care should be free!”

    Me: “It is, if you’re British or from an EU state.”

    Father: “Whatever. Communists!”

    Not Quite Getting To Beirut Of The Matter

    | Sydney, Australia | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (An elderly man, his son and a nurse stop by the hospital cafe. The man is looking at the soft drinks in the fridge.)

    Man: “I want a lemonade!”

    Me: “Are you allowed to have lemonade?” *to son* “Isn’t he diabetic?”

    Son: “No, he’s Lebanese.”


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