Me: "Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?"”

Caller: "I would like to know where people go to buy those cups."

Me: What kind of cups are you looking for, sir?"

Caller: "Sample cups."

Me: "Sample cups? Do you mean like for a urine sample?"

Caller: "Yeah! I need quite a few."

Me: "I guess you could get them at a medical supply company. Have you tried that?"

Caller: "Oh boy! Thank you, lady! You have helped me so much! See, I am looking for work and most places require a urine test. I want to have my samples all ready to go!"

(I work in a hospital kitchen with an adjoining cafeteria. A doctor pokes his head in the door and calls attention to himself. I stop what I’m doing to help him.)

Doctor: “Excuse me, the coolers in the cafeteria are all turned off. Could you please turn them on?”

Me: “Well, there’s nothing in them right now. We’re still making the food. It would be a waste of electricity to turn on an empty cooler.”

Doctor: “But I’m a doctor.”

Me: “I…I know that.”

Doctor: “If you know, then why won’t you turn them on?”

Me: “Sir, I can’t turn them on. There’s no need.”

Doctor: *pauses* “But I’m a doctor.”

Me: “Sir–”

Doctor: “I’m a doctor!”

Me: “Okay, I can turn them on.”

(I walk into the cafeteria with him and flip the switches on the empty coolers.)

Doctor: “Thank you.”

(He walks away empty-handed, apparently satisfied.)

Me: “Okay then.”

(I turn the coolers off again and go back to the kitchen.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

Me: “Uh.”

Patient: “Stop judging me!”

(I have just found a spare eyeglass case for one of our doctors.)

Doctor: “Thanks, what do I owe you?”

Me: “Eh, don’t worry about it. We usually charge, but I’ve got you covered my friend.”

Doctor: “Oh! I guess next time you need a prostate exam I’ll try and hook you up.”

Me: “Uh, thanks?”

(I work at a small shop in a hospital.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Is this the only shop here?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “And that’s the only cafe?” *points towards the cafe*

Me: “Yep!”

Customer: “Why aren’t there more?”

Me: “Well, we only really need one shop and one cafe for this hospital.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! I don’t need beds, I need more
shops! I’m going to complain!”